Wednesday, October 20, 2010


It has been a long time since I last wrote here. XP

I have read through all the posts I have written here and I have realized one thing: they were good memories. However they shall remain as memories and good reminders of who I was in the past.

My reflections, my pains, my joys, my experiences.

Instead of penning another entry here to talk about all these, I decided to close this blog and do something else. Something I should have done long ago.

Instead of talking the talk, I am walking it.

So this is my last entry. I do not need to write here just to remind myself what has happened.


What God revealed to me, is revealing to me, and will reveal to me, is for me should He desires so.

Any last words regarding this blog?

The past has gone. The future is yet to be set.
God's gift for me, or anyone else, is the present. Cherish it.


Saturday, February 13, 2010

The night of staying awake Part 2...

The year 2010 AD... The month of February... The date that is 14th... I mentioned earlier my decision to stay throughout the night. This part is on Valentine...

I have encountered twenty nine February 14ths in my life. Well the first fifteen or so has no significance to me. I was innocent and slow... The latter fourteen does somewhat catch my attention but I never actively do anything about it and it passed by me just like any other days that seems significant to me, which actually is not.

I remembered the first time I began to realize my "momentum building" attraction towards the opposite gender. I had totally no idea how did that happen. It just did. The would haves versus the have nots. I can remember so clearly who I was attracted to and who were attracted to me. Hey, I am not being egoistic to acknowledge I am handsome or what. I only came to realize it happened based on my observations and reflections. Period.

So Valentine's day suddenly became a day I noticed and rightly so: with all the hiking prices for roses and restaurants, couples hand in hand with gifts and other stuffs, places displayed with decorations of hearts and cupids. It is just SO~~~ obvious... Isn't it?

Only when I was told Valentine's day also meant friendship day did that have a different, a more liberating effect on me. I could bless others without the wrong ideas stirring. I could be out with friends with no strings attached. I could finally put this day behind me and treat it as any other day, which means all days (except Easter and Christmas) meant little to me.

I will not write down what I have written in the journal earlier on in here. But I will summarize it in a different, more PG 13-esque standard so everyone can digest it well and not have wrong assumptions. When I wrote halfway through, I thought much about this. Finally, instead of fantasizing about the possibilities, I decided to dedicate this particular Valentine to God himself.

Interesting move, some would say, but not without giving serious thoughts to this. Who deserves such attention and love more than the creator of us? The author of the greatest love story? I spent some time recalling my experiences through life as a christian and how God has stayed by me. I have seen how people have changed throughout the years (including myself) but God still stayed with me.

People may mind my social standing, God does not. People may mind my financial standing, God does not. People may mind my being as a core, God do not. I will disappoint people and upset them, God included! BUT God do not. I will not live up to people's expectations (this is ridiculous by the way...), but God don't see it that way. He made me the way he wanted. This is what he got and this is who I am. I live according to how I was made and I live for him. Even if others say I should do this or do that, so long as it is contradictory to what God says, I will only listen to him.

I have concerns how my life will pen out. That is why I look to him for comfort and reassurance. The things I cannot achieve or get by human standard; ALL that I have mentioned earlier will be futile and for nothing in the end. Even if living in Singapore based on who I am and what I have will cost me dearly; I most likely won't be financially abundant or socially well adept, I have no qualms with that. This life is a rehearsal for what is to come. If people cannot accept my way of life, how I live it, or what I will be missing out, fine with me. This is their thinking. They cannot see what I see: I hope they can but it is not for me to judge that. This is me. Period.

How I love others will be based on how God loves me and how much I loves him. I cannot provide the best people have to offer, but I can provide the best that I have and the best that I am. It is this heart intent that makes a smile; if not in others, at least in me. It is this that brings into eternity. It is this that defines me. I rather be financially poor and love richly than be financially rich and love poorly.

Perhaps in time God will change me to see things differently from all these. I do not know what will happen, but I do know this: At the end of the day as our journey to be more Christ-like is nearer and nearer, all will be well. All will be worth it. I end this with a verse that suddenly popped up in my mind.

Matthew 19:24 - "Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of God."


The night of staying awake Part 1...

The year 2010 AD... The month of February... The date that is 14th... It has two meanings that everybody in the land of Singapore will have in mind. The Chinese Lunar New Year, and Valentine's day. What kind of meaning... or implication does this have on everyone? What is going through their minds?

More than eleven hours ago, I have decided to stay awake throughout the night. Initially it was for the intention of 守夜 (guarding the night for my parents). However I decided to dedicate the time to God instead. No better reason comes to my mind when I decided this than the simple fact that I love our Holy Father.

When I wrote in my journal what I want to dedicate and commit, I had a quiet and peaceful time to think through what is going on in my mind. I shall not disclose everything that is written in the journal to this blog but instead I am writting the opposite, more intentionally meant for readers who wants to find a sense of reconciliation.

The first is regarding the HOPE church building fund. I understood that my life is not a life of wealth and luxury. Every cent counts... well... to the best of our abilities in my family. Still I grew up not having the intensity of having the value of money stewardship as some other friends that I know. To me, money is something I would say... second place compared to others I considered worth dying for.

However this amount that I have... this amount that I am about to give is something that has bothered me ever since the movement started. I have plans. We all have plans. This sum can help me to prepare for the future, but what is the future that we can be certain of that we have yet to see? Still I am committed to give. But to give means I have to let go of this future I am hoping for. I have to let go of control.

The one thing that bugs me is how can I be a good steward of finance if I am unable to plan and prepare with what I have financially? Now that I have decided to commit most of what I have left, away from my wealth. How would that reflect on my financial stability? I am 30 years of age. I have yet to find a job after some break. I have no money for anything that I want in a house. I cannot even guarantee I can rear a family KNOWING the career or path I am about to embark is not a financially assuring one. But I trust in the Lord. Period.

Giving to the Lord is something I always love. You know, when you sacrifice lovingly, God will bless you in ways you cannot fathom. So wonderful are his ways you can only give glory and thanks to him. This one is no different. I have no qualms giving money so long as it is worth it. BUT I do not want to just give it blatantly. I remembered Yan Jie shared with me his experience in giving to the fund. He wanted to make full use of the experience to grow. I love his sharing, but I cannot feel the same if I were to do it in the same manner as his... or anyone else for that matter. That is not me.

Then I was memorizing the verses I purposely selected and I recited upon this one.

1 Corinthians 13:3 - "If I give all I have to the poor and sacrifice my body to the flames, BUT HAVE NOT LOVE. I gain nothing."

I just stopped.

I took quite a while away from my journalling and spent some time thinking through this verse and talking to God what is the meaning of this. After all the rationalizing and discussion, I realized the more I try to go deeper, the more it eludes me. There is no way I can grasp a handful of sand slipping away. I have to let go... Thus I decided to let it go. Simply put: I will not find any "strings" attached to this decision I make. I will give... not for the sake of giving. I will give... because I decided to love and commit. Whatever happens from then on will not affect me much because I have already got my "end of the bargain".

Even when I get nothing in the end (and I shouldn't have such expectations on bartering or trade), I am glad I still decided because I believed I have gone one step closer to obedience. That is good enough for me.


Friday, January 1, 2010

The life of a bubble

Today I went to East Coast Park: practising guitar and blow some wind... of course the actual reason is to get some suntan... XD As I went to a shelter to practice the guitar strumming, a little girl nearby blow some soap bubbles and these bubbles flew besides me. It was colourful, floating freely as the wind guides along until it burst into the ground.

I kind of enjoyed looking at how the bubbles floated freely. The multi coloured reflection from the bubbles reminded me of the colourful life it must have had. However each bubble only lasted a few seconds. The longest was around ten seconds as it flew quite far before reaching the sandy beach. Seems similar to a man's life...

Even though man can now prolong his lifespan beyond eighty years, he will still have to face the ending of his life journey. No man can can live an unending life in this world. Yet the world still goes on for "God knows how many" years. The history of human still moves on for thousands of years. What is a mere eighty years of life compared to thousands, maybe millions of human years? Isn't it like how short the lifespan of a bubble compared to the entire day you can spend doing whatever you want to do?

Yet, as short as the life of the bubbles seem to have, it displayed its vibrant colour and absolute freedom while it lived. It lived joyfully, attracting bypassers to gaze at its colourful but short life. They give pleasant and wonderful memories to those who see them. As I pondered through these thoughts while looking at the bubbles, I wonder if people would ask questions in their mind: where does the bubbles come from? How did it get such colourful details?

It also reflected on how we, humans, lived our lives. Do we live a colourful life or a colourless life? How has our lives impacted or touched the lives of others? Do we lived fruitfully and at the end of the day we can say, "It is done, I am at peace."? How often have we missed the chances to stay focused on our dreams and make it into a reality? How often have we missed out on opportunities that can define us? How often did we knew we could make an impact and yet let it go by?

Life is short... Seems like almost everybody who claims to be "wise" know this sentence. XD However the crucial part, which defines how you live your life, is this: what are you going to do with this short life of yours? Some took it to the extreme and they are remembered for reasons people hated. Others took it to a different direction and are remembered as role models to follow.

So how do you want to live your life?

Tuesday, December 29, 2009


29 years of Christmas. Every Christmas spent is a different experience for me. I remember when I was young, Christmas was a magical period. Partly because it was school holiday and I get to watch alot of movies along the way. XD As I grew older, Christmas became more of a holiday to me. So what is it about Christmas that I want to pen down here?

Christmas is a time when people would buy gifts and give it to the people they loved. I definately loved those times when I get a present or more: unwrapping it, scanning the gift and then using it to the fullest. Cherishing it until the next Christmas or till I get bored of it. XP The atmosphere itself was beautiful, especially when I was young, I always get the magical feel in it. It was as if something wonderful was about to happen.

As I grew up, I became more cynical and Christmas was no more than some holiday for me to slack and play. I did not have that magical feel: possibly my heart was closed towards it? I enjoyed nothing of it as I was growing up in an environment no one could share with me the joys of celebrating Christmas. I sort of grew cold towards it.

It was only when I got into contact with the Clementi gang in my late teens (Ah Mun, Denan, Jun Wei, Wei Yao and me) that I once again got back into the magical mood whenever Christmas was near. We would meet together and celebrate Christmas, mostly staying over in Wei Yao's place. Exchanging gifts and having fun, it was good times with friends I cherished.

Then when I became a christian, Christmas holds a new meaning to me. The greatest gift ever presented to me and everyone else: Jesus Christ, from God himself! When you realised that all you have known, all that you stood for, all that you believed, based on human or worldly standards, do not tally with what is right in your heart and you know it deep inside, you know that there is no real human standards to follow because all standards that human made can be misused and misinterpreted. God's standard is the only absolute: this means this, that means that. No hidden message inbetween to second guess.

Have you ever wondered why many people look forward to Christmas? Have you ever thought it would be nice if someone gave you a gift without you having to return the favour? Have you ever wished something miraculous would happen? It all happened, and his name is Christ. Thus Christmas. This magical feeling is not there for nothing, you realised that?

Sometimes I wonder will I be able to enjoy this magical feeling again considering I am no longer a child. I believe so: every child in us wants this and this will be made possible if we allow the child in us to express the childlike joy and anticipation of Christmas. I know many people would rather keep the inner child in them because they think they should be full adults in this sense, aka cynical. That is where I think they are not happy many times, because they think it is childish and people will look at them in a different light. Oh yes, people WILL look in a different light: a light that can tell the joy in life and one they will ask "Why can't I have it?".

As long as you go with the "flow" that says "we are too old for Christmas" or "I am an adult. I have no need to celebrate it in this manner", you will never get to enjoy Christmas for what it is: a joy and a gift. For once, break free from the common worldly saying and embrace the inner child in you. Give the inner child a chance to express joy and gladness during Christmas. That is one of the first step to embracing who you really are and where to seek true joy and peace.

Ok... I have difficulty uploading a video here. So might as well post the link:

The song is titled "We are the reason" by Avalon. It is a song aptly chosen to tell us the greatest gift given to us during the first Christmas in human history. Enjoy. ^___^

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Purpose versus Desire

I still remember when I was young, I told my mother I would get married by age 25. Ever since I passed the 25 mark, my mother never stopped teasing me on this. One advice to the young kids: NEVER promise something to your parents until you are CERTAIN, especially when you get married. Your parents, especially your mother, WILL REMEMBER. XD

Talking about marrying, I have spent a considerable amount of time contemplating the joys and implications of marriage. This is especially so when I became a christian. One fundamental thing I know is that marriage requires commitment. One of the brothers asked this, "What happen if one day you realised you no longer love her?" I know this is debatable, but this is a question deep in our hearts which we cannot ignore.

Now what is the link? I admit: I am interested in someone. I desire a relationship between a man and a woman. I have thought of every possible scenarios, from time to confess, to rejection, to acception, to courtship, to marriage and beyond. I have also considered how to make life exciting from day one. Still I know I have something else to fulfil. Something bigger perhaps and this is where the implication comes in. I owe my life to God. I love Him and I even claimed I would do anything for Him. Now what IF He told me to go to a faraway place and help a destitute community there? What IF He told me NOT to get married? What IF He told me that my life will be subjected to torture and martyrdom?

Ok, seems abit extreme. However I am not ignorant and stupid. Being a christian is more than just "repent and be saved". Being a christian is to spread His Word. His message of the good news that is mentioned in the four gospels. And more often than not, the fellow christians who do that face persecutions, abuse, insults and more... daily if I might add.

I accepted the fact about my heart for the weak, the underdogs, the oppressed. I cannot stand the unjust treatment they get while many rich and powerful figures go about wasting their lives away. I am even preparing myself to serve the under-served, local or abroad. But this begs the question: would the person I fancy support my stance? Would she be prepared to sacrifice for God? Can she take it? Similarily can I support her decisions? Can I make the necessary sacrifices? Can I take it? If any of us cannot, being together as a couple, married or no, will only bring more disputes and pain.

I am sure many who read my above comments would tell me to place it all into God's hand and He will deliver. I do not disagree nor doubt their sincerity behind it, but... let's just say I am very cautious, especially when other people's feelings are at stake here. There are many times when I felt all these are... meaningless. Meaningless when at the end of the day, you have no one to account to for all the things you have done... except God. For a person who do not know Jesus intimately, how can he or she be at peace in the deathbed when reflecting through the things done throughout his or her life?

Ok... off-tracked. The thing is: what is my purpose or rather, what is God's purpose for me? Should I continue to act on my own, I will come to a point when I face the decision either to follow His will or go ahead with my desire. Even if that desire is quite well-intentioned; to be with the person I fancy. Now, I know quite abit on "knowing the person better before deciding if she is the one" and others like, 'clicking on a common purpose'. So I will skip that altogether. Any well intentioned decision may not be the best, but God's purpose is definately NOT the worst.

After so long, I only realised that it was all over imagination on my part. Nothing is set but God has put in motion. Whether He wants me to go or wait, it is in motion. My desire to have a relationship can wait. Whether I am ready or not, He will know. It is all in His timing, His good timing. It's only a matter of: am I able to wait patiently...

Saturday, April 25, 2009

The Cross

Rarely do I get a chance to spend time alone with God deliberately. Work, studies coupled with other commitments do not grant me the luxury to have time for myself, let alone spend time with other people. Still, there is one issue I wanted to address with God personally. The cross.

Many times I do not understand why I have the tendency to cry when I see the cross where Jesus was hung there. For a while I thought it was a man (God) who do not deserve to be there and yet he did what he was supposed to do: to fulfil what his Father told him and die as a sin sacrifice for all of us. Still that does not answer the question why I cry when I see the cross.

Many times I do not understand why I cry so easily. Being emotional is one thing. Being aware and yet feel overwhelmed by the helplessness is another. Being painfully aware of what I have missed is yet another thing. Knowing what I have gained and lost is also another thing.

When I saw Jesus hung on the cross, it hurts me... more than I could ever bear... Have you ever saw a friend of yours got hurt protecting you? Have you ever got into a situation whereby a buddy paid the penalty for you? Have you ever witness a colleague took the arrows for you? If you do, then consider yourself blessed because more often than not, you do not deserved it and you know it. Through this "pain", I could see the emotions that transpired between the Holy Father that is God and Jesus, the son of God.

"This is painful, but necessary. My love for them (humans) knows no bound but sin is too deep in them. This hurts me more but it is necessary..."

This seems to be God's message to Jesus from how I felt it. I do not know what exactly happened but my heart told me that much because my heart hurts. My heart hurts because at that point of cruxification, I thought I lost a teacher, a leader and a friend when I wasn't ready. Mind you, we all know what happens next after the 3rd day but that is not the point. The point is the awareness that a person was pinned on the cross because he was willing to take ALL the sin told me how unworthy I was. The unworthy me was yelling, "Why are you doing all these, knowing the pain and agony? Knowing I am not worth it?"

He answered, "Because I love you."

Now, this is no advertisement. It is real to me. I can tell you one thing: I spent a long time crying over this. I spent a long time figuring out what can I do about it. I spent a long time talking to Jesus why I felt this way. Sometimes I wonder what is the link between my name, Jason, and what I've experienced. "Jason" is a greek name that means: "one who heals" or a "healer". The funny thing is I spent a long time trying to heal myself. XD

Have I found an answer from God that answers my question? Not yet, but I did have progression during my time with Him alone. I somewhat see there is a bigger picture to what I have gone through. Perhaps someone out there felt the same as me but is still baffled. I am one step ahead, I guess. Maybe I can tell the person that.

I always thought that everyone has an emotional or spiritual "hole" in his or her heart and God can fill that hole, but in this case, it is more than that. It is more than just being whole in God. Perhaps this was what I was designed to do; understanding how my personal life is linked with what God has planned ahead and doing something about it. Showcase my life to others? Maybe. Advocate for others because of what I know? Perhaps. Taking that first step among others to live my life genuinely for God? I don't deny that.

How I wish everyone saw what I saw through the cross. Then again it may not be a good idea for not everyone can bear this. Perhaps this song can help to illustrate better what I am trying to say.

The song is titled "Why" by Nicole Nordeman, with the video made by HOPE Singapore.