The year 2010 AD... The month of February... The date that is 14th... It has two meanings that everybody in the land of Singapore will have in mind. The Chinese Lunar New Year, and Valentine's day. What kind of meaning... or implication does this have on everyone? What is going through their minds?
More than eleven hours ago, I have decided to stay awake throughout the night. Initially it was for the intention of 守夜 (guarding the night for my parents). However I decided to dedicate the time to God instead. No better reason comes to my mind when I decided this than the simple fact that I love our Holy Father.
When I wrote in my journal what I want to dedicate and commit, I had a quiet and peaceful time to think through what is going on in my mind. I shall not disclose everything that is written in the journal to this blog but instead I am writting the opposite, more intentionally meant for readers who wants to find a sense of reconciliation.
The first is regarding the HOPE church building fund. I understood that my life is not a life of wealth and luxury. Every cent counts... well... to the best of our abilities in my family. Still I grew up not having the intensity of having the value of money stewardship as some other friends that I know. To me, money is something I would say... second place compared to others I considered worth dying for.
However this amount that I have... this amount that I am about to give is something that has bothered me ever since the movement started. I have plans. We all have plans. This sum can help me to prepare for the future, but what is the future that we can be certain of that we have yet to see? Still I am committed to give. But to give means I have to let go of this future I am hoping for. I have to let go of control.
The one thing that bugs me is how can I be a good steward of finance if I am unable to plan and prepare with what I have financially? Now that I have decided to commit most of what I have left, away from my wealth. How would that reflect on my financial stability? I am 30 years of age. I have yet to find a job after some break. I have no money for anything that I want in a house. I cannot even guarantee I can rear a family KNOWING the career or path I am about to embark is not a financially assuring one. But I trust in the Lord. Period.
Giving to the Lord is something I always love. You know, when you sacrifice lovingly, God will bless you in ways you cannot fathom. So wonderful are his ways you can only give glory and thanks to him. This one is no different. I have no qualms giving money so long as it is worth it. BUT I do not want to just give it blatantly. I remembered Yan Jie shared with me his experience in giving to the fund. He wanted to make full use of the experience to grow. I love his sharing, but I cannot feel the same if I were to do it in the same manner as his... or anyone else for that matter. That is not me.
Then I was memorizing the verses I purposely selected and I recited upon this one.
1 Corinthians 13:3 - "If I give all I have to the poor and sacrifice my body to the flames, BUT HAVE NOT LOVE. I gain nothing."
I just stopped.
I took quite a while away from my journalling and spent some time thinking through this verse and talking to God what is the meaning of this. After all the rationalizing and discussion, I realized the more I try to go deeper, the more it eludes me. There is no way I can grasp a handful of sand slipping away. I have to let go... Thus I decided to let it go. Simply put: I will not find any "strings" attached to this decision I make. I will give... not for the sake of giving. I will give... because I decided to love and commit. Whatever happens from then on will not affect me much because I have already got my "end of the bargain".
Even when I get nothing in the end (and I shouldn't have such expectations on bartering or trade), I am glad I still decided because I believed I have gone one step closer to obedience. That is good enough for me.
^oo^
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