Rarely do I get a chance to spend time alone with God deliberately. Work, studies coupled with other commitments do not grant me the luxury to have time for myself, let alone spend time with other people. Still, there is one issue I wanted to address with God personally. The cross.
Many times I do not understand why I have the tendency to cry when I see the cross where Jesus was hung there. For a while I thought it was a man (God) who do not deserve to be there and yet he did what he was supposed to do: to fulfil what his Father told him and die as a sin sacrifice for all of us. Still that does not answer the question why I cry when I see the cross.
Many times I do not understand why I cry so easily. Being emotional is one thing. Being aware and yet feel overwhelmed by the helplessness is another. Being painfully aware of what I have missed is yet another thing. Knowing what I have gained and lost is also another thing.
When I saw Jesus hung on the cross, it hurts me... more than I could ever bear... Have you ever saw a friend of yours got hurt protecting you? Have you ever got into a situation whereby a buddy paid the penalty for you? Have you ever witness a colleague took the arrows for you? If you do, then consider yourself blessed because more often than not, you do not deserved it and you know it. Through this "pain", I could see the emotions that transpired between the Holy Father that is God and Jesus, the son of God.
"This is painful, but necessary. My love for them (humans) knows no bound but sin is too deep in them. This hurts me more but it is necessary..."
This seems to be God's message to Jesus from how I felt it. I do not know what exactly happened but my heart told me that much because my heart hurts. My heart hurts because at that point of cruxification, I thought I lost a teacher, a leader and a friend when I wasn't ready. Mind you, we all know what happens next after the 3rd day but that is not the point. The point is the awareness that a person was pinned on the cross because he was willing to take ALL the sin told me how unworthy I was. The unworthy me was yelling, "Why are you doing all these, knowing the pain and agony? Knowing I am not worth it?"
He answered, "Because I love you."
Now, this is no advertisement. It is real to me. I can tell you one thing: I spent a long time crying over this. I spent a long time figuring out what can I do about it. I spent a long time talking to Jesus why I felt this way. Sometimes I wonder what is the link between my name, Jason, and what I've experienced. "Jason" is a greek name that means: "one who heals" or a "healer". The funny thing is I spent a long time trying to heal myself. XD
Have I found an answer from God that answers my question? Not yet, but I did have progression during my time with Him alone. I somewhat see there is a bigger picture to what I have gone through. Perhaps someone out there felt the same as me but is still baffled. I am one step ahead, I guess. Maybe I can tell the person that.
I always thought that everyone has an emotional or spiritual "hole" in his or her heart and God can fill that hole, but in this case, it is more than that. It is more than just being whole in God. Perhaps this was what I was designed to do; understanding how my personal life is linked with what God has planned ahead and doing something about it. Showcase my life to others? Maybe. Advocate for others because of what I know? Perhaps. Taking that first step among others to live my life genuinely for God? I don't deny that.
How I wish everyone saw what I saw through the cross. Then again it may not be a good idea for not everyone can bear this. Perhaps this song can help to illustrate better what I am trying to say.
The song is titled "Why" by Nicole Nordeman, with the video made by HOPE Singapore.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
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