tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-69857759542956399602023-11-15T06:30:45.265-08:00Just another place to browse through...Jiaxianghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07382054083186808384noreply@blogger.comBlogger19125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6985775954295639960.post-37671886369953728522010-10-20T18:49:00.000-07:002010-10-20T18:56:26.462-07:00EndIt has been a long time since I last wrote here. XP<br /><br />I have read through all the posts I have written here and I have realized one thing: they were good memories. However they shall remain as memories and good reminders of who I was in the past.<br /><br />My reflections, my pains, my joys, my experiences.<br /><br />Instead of penning another entry here to talk about all these, I decided to close this blog and do something else. Something I should have done long ago.<br /><br />Instead of talking the talk, I am walking it.<br /><br />So this is my last entry. I do not need to write here just to remind myself what has happened.<br /><br />No.<br /><br />What God revealed to me, is revealing to me, and will reveal to me, is for me should He desires so.<br /><br />Any last words regarding this blog?<br /><br />The past has gone. The future is yet to be set.<br />God's gift for me, or anyone else, is the present. Cherish it.<br /><br />Adios.Jiaxianghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07382054083186808384noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6985775954295639960.post-60538724900206565252010-02-13T19:37:00.001-08:002010-02-13T20:56:49.211-08:00The night of staying awake Part 2...<span style="font-family:times new roman;">The year 2010 AD... The month of February... The date that is 14th... I mentioned earlier my decision to stay throughout the night. This part is on Valentine...</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">I have encountered twenty nine February 14ths in my life. Well the first fifteen or so has no significance to me. I was innocent and slow... The latter fourteen does somewhat catch my attention but I never actively do anything about it and it passed by me just like any other days that seems significant to me, which actually is not.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">I remembered the first time I began to realize my "momentum building" attraction towards the opposite gender. I had totally no idea how did that happen. It just did. The would haves versus the have nots. I can remember so clearly who I was attracted to and who were attracted to me. Hey, I am not being egoistic to acknowledge I am handsome or what. I only came to realize it happened based on my observations and reflections. Period.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">So Valentine's day suddenly became a day I noticed and rightly so: with all the hiking prices for roses and restaurants, couples hand in hand with gifts and other stuffs, places displayed with decorations of hearts and cupids. It is just SO~~~ obvious... Isn't it?</span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">Only when I was told Valentine's day also meant friendship day did that have a different, a more liberating effect on me. I could bless others without the wrong ideas stirring. I could be out with friends with no strings attached. I could finally put this day behind me and treat it as any other day, which means all days (except Easter and Christmas) meant little to me.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">I will not write down what I have written in the journal earlier on in here. But I will summarize it in a different, more PG 13-esque standard so everyone can digest it well and not have wrong assumptions. When I wrote </span><span style="font-family:times new roman;">halfway through, I thought much about this. Finally, instead of fantasizing about the possibilities, I decided to dedicate this particular Valentine to God himself.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Interesting move, some would say, but not without giving serious thoughts to this. Who deserves such attention and love more than the creator of us? The author of the greatest love story? I spent some time recalling my experiences through life as a christian and how God has stayed by me. I have seen how people have changed throughout the years (including myself) but God still stayed with me.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">People may mind my social standing, God does not. People may mind my financial standing, God does not. People may mind my being as a core, God do not. I will disappoint people and upset them, God included! BUT God do not. I will not live up to people's expectations (this is ridiculous by the way...), but God don't see it that way. He made me the way he wanted. This is what he got and this is who I am. I live according to how I was made and I live for him. Even if others say I should do this or do that, so long as it is contradictory to what God says, I will only listen to him.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">I have concerns how my life will pen out. That is why I look to him for comfort and reassurance. The things I cannot achieve or get by human standard; ALL that I have mentioned earlier will be futile and for nothing in the end. Even if living in Singapore based on who I am and what I have will cost me dearly; I most likely won't be financially abundant or socially well adept, I have no qualms with that. This life is a rehearsal for what is to come. If people cannot accept my way of life, how I live it, or what I will be missing out, fine with me. This is their thinking. They cannot see what I see: I hope they can but it is not for me to judge that. This is me. Period.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">How I love others will be based on how God loves me and how much I loves him. I cannot provide the best people have to offer, but I can provide the best that I have and the best that I am. It is this heart intent that makes a smile; if not in others, at least in me. It is this that brings into eternity. It is this that defines me. I rather be financially poor and love richly than be financially rich and love poorly.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">Perhaps in time God will change me to see things differently from all these. I do not know what will happen, but I do know this: At the end of the day as our journey to be more Christ-like is nearer and nearer, all will be well. All will be worth it. I end this with a verse that suddenly popped up in my mind.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;"><em>Matthew 19:24 - "Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of God."</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">Shalom</span>Jiaxianghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07382054083186808384noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6985775954295639960.post-58072144537669193842010-02-13T18:59:00.000-08:002010-06-07T00:31:22.411-07:00The night of staying awake Part 1...The year 2010 AD... The month of February... The date that is 14th... It has two meanings that everybody in the land of Singapore will have in mind. The Chinese Lunar New Year, and Valentine's day. What kind of meaning... or implication does this have on everyone? What is going through their minds?<br /><br />More than eleven hours ago, I have decided to stay awake throughout the night. Initially it was for the intention of 守夜 (guarding the night for my parents). However I decided to dedicate the time to God instead. No better reason comes to my mind when I decided this than the simple fact that I love our Holy Father.<br /><br />When I wrote in my journal what I want to dedicate and commit, I had a quiet and peaceful time to think through what is going on in my mind. I shall not disclose everything that is written in the journal to this blog but instead I am writting the opposite, more intentionally meant for readers who wants to find a sense of reconciliation.<br /><br />The first is regarding the HOPE church building fund. I understood that my life is not a life of wealth and luxury. Every cent counts... well... to the best of our abilities in my family. Still I grew up not having the intensity of having the value of money stewardship as some other friends that I know. To me, money is something I would say... second place compared to others I considered worth dying for.<br /><br />However this amount that I have... this amount that I am about to give is something that has bothered me ever since the movement started. I have plans. We all have plans. This sum can help me to prepare for the future, but what is the future that we can be certain of that we have yet to see? Still I am committed to give. But to give means I have to let go of this future I am hoping for. I have to let go of control.<br /><br />The one thing that bugs me is how can I be a good steward of finance if I am unable to plan and prepare with what I have financially? Now that I have decided to commit most of what I have left, away from my wealth. How would that reflect on my financial stability? I am 30 years of age. I have yet to find a job after some break. I have no money for anything that I want in a house. I cannot even guarantee I can rear a family KNOWING the career or path I am about to embark is not a financially assuring one. But I trust in the Lord. Period.<br /><br />Giving to the Lord is something I always love. You know, when you sacrifice lovingly, God will bless you in ways you cannot fathom. So wonderful are his ways you can only give glory and thanks to him. This one is no different. I have no qualms giving money so long as it is worth it. BUT I do not want to just give it blatantly. I remembered Yan Jie shared with me his experience in giving to the fund. He wanted to make full use of the experience to grow. I love his sharing, but I cannot feel the same if I were to do it in the same manner as his... or anyone else for that matter. That is not me.<br /><br />Then I was memorizing the verses I purposely selected and I recited upon this one.<br /><br /><em>1 Corinthians 13:3 - "If I give all I have to the poor and sacrifice my body to the flames, BUT HAVE NOT LOVE. I gain nothing."</em><br /><br />I just stopped.<br /><br />I took quite a while away from my journalling and spent some time thinking through this verse and talking to God what is the meaning of this. After all the rationalizing and discussion, I realized the more I try to go deeper, the more it eludes me. There is no way I can grasp a handful of sand slipping away. I have to let go... Thus I decided to let it go. Simply put: I will not find any "strings" attached to this decision I make. I will give... not for the sake of giving. I will give... because I decided to love and commit. Whatever happens from then on will not affect me much because I have already got my "end of the bargain".<br /><br />Even when I get nothing in the end (and I shouldn't have such expectations on bartering or trade), I am glad I still decided because I believed I have gone one step closer to obedience. That is good enough for me.<br /><br />^oo^Jiaxianghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07382054083186808384noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6985775954295639960.post-44344933187820529232010-01-01T00:19:00.000-08:002010-02-13T03:17:17.773-08:00The life of a bubble<span style="font-family:times new roman;">Today I went to East Coast Park: practising guitar and blow some wind... of course the actual reason is to get some suntan... XD As I went to a shelter to practice the guitar strumming, a little girl nearby blow some soap bubbles and these bubbles flew besides me. It was colourful, floating freely as the wind guides along until it burst into the ground.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">I kind of enjoyed looking at how the bubbles floated freely. The multi coloured reflection from the bubbles reminded me of the colourful life it must have had. However each bubble only lasted a few seconds. The longest was around ten seconds as it flew quite far before reaching the sandy beach. Seems similar to a man's life...</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">Even though man can now prolong his lifespan beyond eighty years, he will still have to face the ending of his life journey. No man can can live an unending life in this world. Yet the world still goes on for "God knows how many" years. The history of human still moves on for thousands of years. What is a mere eighty years of life compared to thousands, maybe millions of human years? Isn't it like how short the lifespan of a bubble compared to the entire day you can spend doing whatever you want to do?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">Yet, as short as the life of the bubbles seem to have, it displayed its vibrant colour and absolute freedom while it lived. It lived joyfully, attracting bypassers to gaze at its colourful but short life. They give pleasant and wonderful memories to those who see them. As I pondered through these thoughts while looking at the bubbles, I wonder if people would ask questions in their mind: where does the bubbles come from? How did it get such colourful details?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">It also reflected on how we, humans, lived our lives. Do we live a colourful life or a colourless life? How has our lives impacted or touched the lives of others? Do we lived fruitfully and at the end of the day we can say, "It is done, I am at peace."? How often have we missed the chances to stay focused on our dreams and make it into a reality? How often have we missed out on opportunities that can define us? How often did we knew we could make an impact and yet let it go by?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">Life is short... Seems like almost everybody who claims to be "wise" know this sentence. XD However the crucial part, which defines how you live your life, is this: what are you going to do with this short life of yours? Some took it to the extreme and they are remembered for reasons people hated. Others took it to a different direction and are remembered as role models to follow.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">So how do you want to live your life?</span>Jiaxianghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07382054083186808384noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6985775954295639960.post-53876810875638727672009-12-29T07:48:00.000-08:002010-01-08T18:37:20.980-08:00Christmas<span style="font-family:times new roman;">29 years of Christmas. Every Christmas spent is a different experience for me. I remember when I was young, Christmas was a magical period. Partly because it was school holiday and I get to watch alot of movies along the way. XD As I grew older, Christmas became more of a holiday to me. So what is it about Christmas that I want to pen down here?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Christmas is a time when people would buy gifts and give it to the people they loved. I definately loved those times when I get a present or more: unwrapping it, scanning the gift and then using it to the fullest. Cherishing it until the next Christmas or till I get bored of it. XP The atmosphere itself was beautiful, especially when I was young, I always get the magical feel in it. It was as if something wonderful was about to happen.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">As I grew up, I became more cynical and Christmas was no more than some holiday for me to slack and play. I did not have that magical feel: possibly my heart was closed towards it? I enjoyed nothing of it as I was growing up in an environment no one could share with me the joys of celebrating Christmas. I sort of grew cold towards it.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">It was only when I got into contact with the Clementi gang in my late teens (Ah Mun, Denan, Jun Wei, Wei Yao and me) that I once again got back into the magical mood whenever Christmas was near. We would meet together and celebrate Christmas, mostly staying over in Wei Yao's place. Exchanging gifts and having fun, it was good times with friends I cherished.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">Then when I became a christian, Christmas holds a new meaning to me. The greatest gift ever presented to me and everyone else: Jesus Christ, from God himself! When you realised that all you have known, all that you stood for, all that you believed, based on human or worldly standards, do not tally with what is right in your heart and you know it deep inside, you know that there is no real human standards to follow because all standards that human made can be misused and misinterpreted. God's standard is the only absolute: this means this, that means that. No hidden message inbetween to second guess.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">Have you ever wondered why many people look forward to Christmas? Have you ever thought it would be nice if someone gave you a gift without you having to return the favour? Have you ever wished something miraculous would happen? It all happened, and his name is Christ. Thus Christmas. This magical feeling is not there for nothing, you realised that?</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Sometimes I wonder will I be able to enjoy this magical feeling again considering I am no longer a child. I believe so: every child in us wants this and this will be made possible if we allow the child in us to express the childlike joy and anticipation of Christmas. I know many people would rather keep the inner child in them because they think they should be full adults in this sense, aka cynical. That is where I think they are not happy many times, because they think it is childish and people will look at them in a different light. Oh yes, people WILL look in a different light: a light that can tell the joy in life and one they will ask "Why can't I have it?".</span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">As long as you go with the "flow" that says "we are too old for Christmas" or "I am an adult. I have no need to celebrate it in this manner", you will never get to enjoy Christmas for what it is: a joy and a gift. For once, break free from the common worldly saying and embrace the inner child in you. Give the inner child a chance to express joy and gladness during Christmas. That is one of the first step to embracing who you really are and where to seek true joy and peace.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">Ok... I have difficulty uploading a video here. So might as well post the link:</span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wuG1XSihf0I">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wuG1XSihf0I</a></span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">The song is titled "We are the reason" by Avalon. It is a song aptly chosen to tell us the greatest gift given to us during the first Christmas in human history. Enjoy. ^___^</span>Jiaxianghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07382054083186808384noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6985775954295639960.post-49927168294793837252009-06-21T05:24:00.000-07:002009-06-23T05:24:39.209-07:00Purpose versus Desire<span style="font-size:85%;color:#000000;">I still remember when I was young, I told my mother I would get married by age 25. Ever since I passed the 25 mark, my mother never stopped teasing me on this. One advice to the young kids: NEVER promise something to your parents until you are CERTAIN, especially when you get married. Your parents, especially your mother, WILL REMEMBER. XD<br /><br />Talking about marrying, I have spent a considerable amount of time contemplating the joys and implications of marriage. This is especially so when I became a christian. One fundamental thing I know is that marriage requires commitment. One of the brothers asked this, "What happen if one day you realised you no longer love her?" I know this is debatable, but this is a question deep in our hearts which we cannot ignore.<br /><br />Now what is the link? I admit: I am interested in someone. I desire a relationship between a man and a woman. I have thought of every possible scenarios, from time to confess, to rejection, to acception, to courtship, to marriage and beyond. I have also considered how to make life exciting from day one. Still I know I have something else to fulfil. Something bigger perhaps and this is where the implication comes in. I owe my life to God. I love Him and I even claimed I would do anything for Him. Now what IF He told me to go to a faraway place and help a destitute community there? What IF He told me NOT to get married? What IF He told me that my life will be subjected to torture and martyrdom?<br /><br />Ok, seems abit extreme. However I am not ignorant and stupid. Being a christian is more than just "repent and be saved". Being a christian is to spread His Word. His message of the good news that is mentioned in the four gospels. And more often than not, the fellow christians who do that face persecutions, abuse, insults and more... daily if I might add.<br /><br />I accepted the fact about my heart for the weak, the underdogs, the oppressed. I cannot stand the unjust treatment they get while many rich and powerful figures go about wasting their lives away. I am even preparing myself to serve the under-served, local or abroad. But this begs the question: would the person I fancy support my stance? Would she be prepared to sacrifice for God? Can she take it? Similarily can I support her decisions? Can I make the necessary sacrifices? Can I take it? If any of us cannot, being together as a couple, married or no, will only bring more disputes and pain.<br /><br />I am sure many who read my above comments would tell me to place it all into God's hand and He will deliver. I do not disagree nor doubt their sincerity behind it, but... let's just say I am very cautious, especially when other people's feelings are at stake here. There are many times when I felt all these are... meaningless. Meaningless when at the end of the day, you have no one to account to for all the things you have done... except God. For a person who do not know Jesus intimately, how can he or she be at peace in the deathbed when reflecting through the things done throughout his or her life?<br /><br />Ok... off-tracked. The thing is: what is my purpose or rather, what is God's purpose for me? Should I continue to act on my own, I will come to a point when I face the decision either to follow His will or go ahead with my desire. Even if that desire is quite well-intentioned; to be with the person I fancy. Now, I know quite abit on "knowing the person better before deciding if she is the one" and others like, 'clicking on a common purpose'. So I will skip that altogether. Any well intentioned decision may not be the best, but God's purpose is definately NOT the worst.<br /><br />After so long, I only realised that it was all over imagination on my part. Nothing is set but God has put in motion. Whether He wants me to go or wait, it is in motion. My desire to have a relationship can wait. Whether I am ready or not, He will know. It is all in His timing, His good timing. It's only a matter of: am I able to wait patiently...</span>Jiaxianghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07382054083186808384noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6985775954295639960.post-8563690542500850922009-04-25T07:54:00.000-07:002010-01-26T01:21:58.624-08:00The Cross<span style="font-family:times new roman;">Rarely do I get a chance to spend time alone with God deliberately. Work, studies coupled with other commitments do not grant me the luxury to have time for myself, let alone spend time with other people. Still, there is one issue I wanted to address with God personally. The cross.<br /><br />Many times I do not understand why I have the tendency to cry when I see the cross where Jesus was hung there. For a while I thought it was a man (God) who do not deserve to be there and yet he did what he was supposed to do: to fulfil what his Father told him and die as a sin sacrifice for all of us. Still that does not answer the question why I cry when I see the cross.<br /><br />Many times I do not understand why I cry so easily. Being emotional is one thing. Being aware and yet feel overwhelmed by the helplessness is another. Being painfully aware of what I have missed is yet another thing. Knowing what I have gained and lost is also another thing.<br /><br />When I saw Jesus hung on the cross, it hurts me... more than I could ever bear... Have you ever saw a friend of yours got hurt protecting you? Have you ever got into a situation whereby a buddy paid the penalty for you? Have you ever witness a colleague took the arrows for you? If you do, then consider yourself blessed because more often than not, you do not deserved it and you know it. Through this "pain", I could see the emotions that transpired between the Holy Father that is God and Jesus, the son of God.<br /><br /><em><span style="color:#ff0000;">"This is painful, but necessary. My love for them (humans) knows no bound but sin is too deep in them. This hurts me more but it is necessary..."</span></em><br /><br />This seems to be God's message to Jesus from how I felt it. I do not know what exactly happened but my heart told me that much because my heart hurts. My heart hurts because at that point of cruxification, I thought I lost a teacher, a leader and a friend when I wasn't ready. Mind you, we all know what happens next after the 3rd day but that is not the point. The point is the awareness that a person was pinned on the cross because he was willing to take ALL the sin told me how unworthy I was. The unworthy me was yelling, "Why are you doing all these, knowing the pain and agony? Knowing I am not worth it?"<br /><br />He answered, <span style="color:#ff0000;"><em>"Because I love you."</em></span><br /><br />Now, this is no advertisement. It is real to me. I can tell you one thing: I spent a long time crying over this. I spent a long time figuring out what can I do about it. I spent a long time talking to Jesus why I felt this way. Sometimes I wonder what is the link between my name, Jason, and what I've experienced. "Jason" is a greek name that means: "one who heals" or a "healer". The funny thing is I spent a long time trying to heal myself. <strong>XD</strong><br /><br />Have I found an answer from God that answers my question? Not yet, but I did have progression during my time with Him alone. I somewhat see there is a bigger picture to what I have gone through. Perhaps someone out there felt the same as me but is still baffled. I am one step ahead, I guess. Maybe I can tell the person that.<br /><br />I always thought that everyone has an emotional or spiritual "hole" in his or her heart and God can fill that hole, but in this case, it is more than that. It is more than just being whole in God. Perhaps this was what I was designed to do; understanding how my personal life is linked with what God has planned ahead and doing something about it. Showcase my life to others? Maybe. Advocate for others because of what I know? Perhaps. Taking that first step among others to live my life genuinely for God? I don't deny that.<br /><br />How I wish everyone saw what I saw through the cross. Then again it may not be a good idea for not everyone can bear this. Perhaps this song can help to illustrate better what I am trying to say.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">The song is titled "Why" by Nicole Nordeman, with the video made by HOPE Singapore.</span><br /><p><span style="font-family:times new roman;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mckYML9O8Ws">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mckYML9O8Ws</a><br /><br />Shalom</span></p>Jiaxianghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07382054083186808384noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6985775954295639960.post-1720399897758682812008-11-23T05:35:00.000-08:002009-04-26T04:55:15.522-07:00The struggles within...<span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">It has been a long time since I last went in here. Quite a number of complaints have 'urged' me to do something about the blog. I wondered for a while what should I write to remind myself in the future what did I penned in here. I guess the title should be good enough to start me wondering...</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">It has been 2+ years since I became a christian. All the while I thought God had things settled for me. Apparantly He had other ideas. Nice~~~ </span><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">I wonder... What would have happened IF I have never accepted Jesus into my life? Most likely I would still be stuck in the pile of mud or in a pit as I was 4 years back. I would have never understand why am I here. I would have never come to terms with my existence. I would have never cherish myself and the people around me more than I ever did.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">When Guang An started the sharing of conversion stories within the CG, I thought, "Have my fervor to share my story with others died down compared to when I first became a christian? Have I became mellowed? Have I became uninterested!?"</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">I recalled my life as one who had his path laid before him. Primary education, secondary and polytechnic education, national service. I never had to decide what should I choose or make the critical decisions that would change my life. I took things as they come. I still remember quite a number of my friends saw me as a 'happy-go-lucky' kind of guy. I was never in need. I was never disasstisfied. I saw life as simple as it was: to live and let live.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">I was well protected from the many harms and temptations that came along the way: drugs, gangsterism, disease, handicap. Yet I was not immune to what is common to the average man: lust, anger, greed, envy, sloth, gluttony and pride. Everyday I face different issues that seem minor to some and huge to others. Yet I somehow survived it eventually.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">I could not have made sense of the life I lived after NS back then. Cooping myself in my room, shutting myself away from society, asking the questions I could never find a satisfactory answer afterwards. No work, no income, no confidence, no face, no life, no hope. For 2 years I spent my life wondering in a mess. 2 years have been spent in barren times. I hate that: no meaning, no balance, no sense.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">I wonder if it is normal for a typical man to really shut his emotions and assume he needs to tackle EVERY problem on his own? Is it really that embarassing to share his thoughts or emotions to people he trust? Is it really that difficult to open up? I thought so for a time. It wasn't 'man' to do that. Yet man is only man, only human and human is not invincible. Humans do fall. Humans do make mistakes. Humans are mortal.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">The pain that was in me, the humiliation that walked side by side with me, the anguish that clinged to me like UHU glue; confusion has led my life at that time and I felt helpless. I wanted so much to scream, to cry, or to the extreme; destroy what I knew as 'humanity' and everything with it. I hated humans, I hated everything they do, but most of all I hated myself.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">Rewind back to 2 years before, I made a decision to get out of that shell and face reality. I have no idea how to work things out. I was lagging behind everybody in terms of life progression. I was scared. I knew my friends were concerned about me and they were nice enough not to probe any deeper than I could give because I do not know how to answer them.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">I remembered the day when I went to meet a close friend (brother) and before I accepted Christ into my heart. I was hurting, I was lost, I felt like a Windows XP operating system stucked in a 200 MB hard disk drive, waiting to explode. I knew I was an emotional person. As much as I tried to hold back my tears, I could not. For 14 years I did not cry. For 14 years I thought I was a 'man'. For 14 years I was protected like some spoilt kid, unwilling to face the truth that is before him. I felt like letting everything go.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">I wanted so much to relinquish my responsibilities as a man, a friend and a son but I could not. I wanted so much to deny myself and go into oblivion but yet I could not. I cannot escape from my responsibilities. I cannot run from what I was meant to do. I cannot hide from the fact that I am alive.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">When God forgave me of my sins through Jesus as I repented, I felt lighter. I felt a heavy burden just taken off my shoulders. I did not feel a 180º change but I felt things will turn out better because I believed. Besides I have no one else to turn to at that time anyway... XP</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">I thought life as a christian would be like a bed of roses, but I left out the part where roses have thorns. It was a struggle as I found many things hard to swallow. There are many issues I could not make sense of or come to terms with. Why must I be righteous all the time? Why do I have to be so caring and serving? Why can't I put down all these? Its very tiring!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">I did my part to help and encourage as well, but more than half is out of my own strength and character than through the grace of God. When I saw the brothers and sisters do their part to help and encourage the people around them, it made me wonder where do they find that strength and perseverence? What made them kept going on despite getting nothing in return? Why do they even try so hard when eternal life is awaiting them? I can tell some are doing it to the point of breaking down. Some even did it without knowing why. However they have one thing in common: the belief that God would deliver them and bless them.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">The little things that happened to me and around me were very obvious for me to reflect upon. Little by little I realised who I am. Slowly I came to terms with many things I could not agree upon. Surely I am starting to make sense of everything that has happened and how everything fitted in like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. Such a level of awareness was given to me by God after I prayed for it. Woo hoo!</span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Even as of now, I still struggle with many things. I do not know how can I face it in the meantime but everytime I see Jesus on the cross, I felt the pain. Mainly because that act of crucifixion touched me deeply, personally. He died for people and they (I) do not deserve it. That serves as a somber reminder of my sins that have already been washed away and how his sacrifice can overcome all things that I find it hard to deal with.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">Tired... need to sleep...</span>Jiaxianghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07382054083186808384noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6985775954295639960.post-44644366855044111852008-01-15T19:17:00.000-08:002008-01-15T19:21:07.254-08:00Bitterness & Forgiveness<span style="font-family:times new roman;">How can I deal with bitterness and residues of bitterness...<br /><br />Frankly speaking, after all these years I still do not understand how to 'deal' with bitterness besides the obvious answer (through God, that is). I only know that my handling of bitterness is at best 'throwing the trash into the rubbish bin'.<br /><br />I took a long time to figure out WHY am I holding on to the bitterness I have for those whom I 'hated' or held grudge against. Everytime I am bitter towards somebody, I seem to have different answers but they came from the same root issue - genuine love for them.<br /><br />If you have no genuine love/feelings for this person, how can you hate them? You do not hate for no reason unless you have nothing to do...<br /><br />I have had bitterness towards many people in my life: my grandma, my mum, some other friends and even Kin Wee at one point but they are just varying degrees of bitterness and some are very minor compared to the two I mentioned in the previous thread. However non can compare to the bitterness I have for myself.<br /><br />Many times I keep asking myself, "What the **** am I doing here on this planet?"<br /><br />I do not score good grades, I cannot play sports very well too, I even felt my playing of video games are only of average standard. Better still, I was never good in time management. I put an unreasonable and unrealistic standard on myself and I always compare with others.<br /><br />'Why can he score 281 for PSLE!?', 'How did he grow to 1.85m tall?', 'Why can she get $200 for monthly allowance?', 'How come his muscles get bigger and bigger!?', 'Why is he that lucky with girls?', 'How insignificant am I in this population of 6 billion!!!', etc, etc...<br /><br />I can list all the ikan bilis of comparisons & crap but they are just a result of many factors in me: low self-esteem, small heartedness, inexperienced, pride, expectations, etc, etc...<br /><br />This is the major reason why I spent 2 barren years wondering what is going on. That is until God found me. He forgave me through Jesus Christ and no matter what, I am glad he did. Now I am learning to forgive myself.</span>Jiaxianghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07382054083186808384noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6985775954295639960.post-90356145880011373002008-01-15T01:23:00.000-08:002008-01-15T01:45:37.395-08:00Personality...?<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="2" width="350" align="center" border="0"><tbody><tr><td style="COLOR: #eeeeee" align="middle"><span style="font-size:+0;"><b>You Are An INFP</b></span></td></tr><tr><td bgcolor="#ffffff"><center><img height="100" src="http://www.blogthingsimages.com/whatsyourpersonalitytypequiz/infp.gif" width="100" /></center><span style="color:#000000;">The Idealist<br />You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world. Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships. It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close. But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop.<br />In love, you tend to have high (and often unrealistic) standards. You are very sensitive. You tend to have intense feelings.<br />At work, you need to do something that expresses your personal values. You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.<br />How you see yourself: Unselfish, empathetic, and spiritual<br />When other people don't get you, they see you as: Unrealistic, naive, and weak</span></td></tr></tbody></table><div align="center"><a href="http://www.blogthings.com/whatsyourpersonalitytypequiz/">What's" Your Personality Type?</a></div>Jiaxianghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07382054083186808384noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6985775954295639960.post-59649761752966214582007-10-19T21:01:00.001-07:002007-10-19T21:04:10.884-07:00Anger<span style="font-family:times new roman;">Anger. What is anger? Is anger a necessary emotion? Can anger helps the person? How does anger harms the person?<br /><br />It has been a long time since I last posted in here. Right now I am feeling blank about what to pen down. Why am I using this issue 'anger' as the topic for this post? I guess it is to serve as a reminder of what I am capable of... What I fear I am capable of...<br /><br />Anger is another inborn emotion that is with us ever since we were conceived. When we do not get what we want, we are angry. When someone offends us, we are angry. When we cannot agree on mutual terms, we are angry. Getting angry seems so easy, but lets not forget if left unchecked it can cause unimaginable destruction in its path.<br /><br />In the past I get angry easily. Its just an expression to show how I feel, how I react, how I vent out. Nowadays I am more solemn or rather do not possess the fiery vigor of youth. However I do know I still have that huge fire in me should I blow up. It may be a short while but its definately not desirable from my point of view.<br /><br />A few days ago, it happened. Even if I do not like it, I chose not to deal with it in the best way possible. My brother was doing things despite my adamant statements not to do it. Bit by bit, the anger ate into me. I could tolerate it for quite a while but his refusal to comply kept coming like waves after waves that build up & finally I could not contain the anger & I released it out the worst possible way I knew. I screamed at him.<br /><br />In my life I never screamed at my brother the way I did. He was shocked and my mum was not happy as well. I did not explain anything to my mum because I still let my anger control my rational thinking. After a while I cooled down & I felt bad. I felt horrible. I have hurt my brother, upset my mother and worse: I knew more about myself in this manner.<br /><br />I apologised to my brother and asked for his forgiveness. He forgave me, but I could not forgive myself. I fear all the more when will I blow again. I fear I will one day hurt the people I loved. I fear I will once again give in to anger in the worst way possible.<br /><br />Is anger something necessary? Why do we need anger when all it does is cloud our judgement most of the time, make our faces red, grow more wrinkles, raise body temperature and others? Ever wonder why steam gushes out when you are boiling water? In scientific terms its a change of state from liquid to gas. The same could be applied to anger (in a way): All the pent up unaddressed issues, suppressed emotions, indignant receivings will transform into violent, exploding reaction. No way to make them disappear that simply.<br /><br />At times I wonder why God created this emotion called 'anger'. Anger has to be expressed and expressed correctly. Giving in to anger blindly can only cause hurt, hatred and regret. Yet so many people, myself included, has difficulty handling anger correctly.<br /><br />How does anger helps a person? Is that even possible? I am still searching for an answer regarding this. I know the Bible mention something with regards to this, but I forgot where it is...<br /><br />We all know how anger can harm a person, be it the angry one or the one being targetted. It hurts the person's pride. It bites at the memory. It scares the mind. It tears at the relationship. It bring out the worst possible character in the person and so much more. All these are possible if anger is not managed well.<br /><br />I am not happy with this anger of mine, but I do know God revealed it to me for a reason. To make me more aware of this and in the future to learn how to manage it better. Why I say manage? Because control over anger is virtually impossible. Control over any emotion, from what I learnt is not the best way of accounting to oneself. Awareness of anger, management of the emotion, submission of contempt to God. This is what I can do and this is what I will do should this happen again because I know what I am capable of...</span>Jiaxianghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07382054083186808384noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6985775954295639960.post-17369627526731381642007-08-15T11:57:00.000-07:002007-08-15T13:00:06.442-07:00Confusion amidst the calm...<span style="font-family:times new roman;">5th August 07 was the last day for the annual Festival of Praise. Marcus brought Jacky & I there early (we reached there at 3pm when the event started at 730pm). Later we were joined by Yeu Ann & Pei Fang as the 5 of us enjoyed the FOP. No mere human language can fully describe the atmostphere & feelings there. It was great! "Now THAT is a concert!" & praise the Lord for that!</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">What has this got to do with what I am about to write? Well... walking a life of a Christian is never easy. Many people could not keep up with all the 'rules & regulations' that comes with being a Christian. I, for one, struggled to cope with the everyday issues and temptations as I walk closer to God day by day. 'Confusion' is the main topic in recent period.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Human beings have emotions, I am no exception. In fact I think I am much more emotional than a typical guy (maybe over sensitive and over reacting...) and I tend to think of things which are beyond my control. I just could not help it. As I began the week after the FOP with renewed faith and hope, I battled the daily mundane issues that appeared infront of me with ease as I know my source of solace & comfort comes from Him alone. However, all these have changed when a friend sms me.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">"Hey, may I ask is there a verse or smth that is quoted in the Bible that dictates that a christian should not marry a non-christian?"</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">What kind of an answer do you want actually? There is no way you can fully grasp the meaning as long as you never get to know Him at an intimate level or even let Christ into your heart. I have asked Peter & Jun Wei for advise and they told me, "No matter what, never freak out and always be sensitive towards him."</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">The funniest thing is: this is not the major issue at hand, though its the first one... (Now I understand even better what is snowballing effect...)</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Last saturday was the day where I prepared for the U-bash. A roller blading session with the Unit and basically, everybody had fun despite many never had any experience in blading and as a result a number had injuries. My confusion suddenly just appeared in the middle of the fun. Suddenly I just thought of her and the feelings were strangely more provoking & mind boggling. I thought I had dealt with it in the past, keeping myself in control and doing what I can instead of dwelling in the fantasy and ultimately, despair.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">It never occur to anybody how I felt at that time because I don't easily show my feelings unless one is very observant. I myself was not even fully aware of this situation I was in during the whole time except for the occassional silence from me at intervals. I had a wonderful day and even enjoyed a few actions in the new season of EPL!</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">During my sleep, I was further provoked by the thought of her. I wasn't sure how. I never dreamt about her. Too tired to even think. Maybe I forgot to have a quiet time with God that made my mind & heart wander. It was during the HOP on sunday that I felt the full extent of the situation I was in and how helpless I was in dealing with it.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">I could not concentrate. I could hardly or sincerely pray and intercede. I just could not take it. When Peter asked for us to pray for the people around us or even ourselves, I had wanted to pray for a few in mind but I could not focus and I had to pray for myself.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">"I pray hard to you Lord that despite the condition I am in, You are with me. I am confused. I could not control myself. I could not get her out of my mind. It just suddenly blown out of proportion. But I know you will help me. I confess of my negligence and lack of faith. I acknowledge that I took her as a major comfort instead of You. I am sorry. My thoughts of her are hindering my relationship with You. I do not know what to do. I cannot think clearly. I ask for your forgiveness & help."</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">The brothers especially, prayed for me during the HOP and I thanked them for it. Jason, Peter & Yeu Ann. Later I told them what happened to me, how confused I was and how wrongly focused I was. I shared this with them and later to Guang An and Kenny. They told me it is natural of guys when such emotions come. However what guys can do, what I can do is instead of dwelling in those thoughts, I should focus on the positive. How can I be a more godly man and how should I focus my attention on helping the people around me to grow even stronger in faith. Focus on being pure hearted, single minded in the pursuit of God and good intent in helping others.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">I never really felt relieved or 'released' but I slowly saw another perspective. I could not tell if its a revelation from God or something I made it out... but I started to make critical assessments of myself. Why was I not ready for a relationship commitment. What issues I have that I could not let go. What was wrong with me?</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">I could never find an answer, well not that fast anyway, but I continue to seek God because I know He has the answer. As I continue to battle the daily issues of work, life, temptations, sins, thoughts of her, myself, what can happen in the future, the people around me and many others, I will find the peace I always sought ever since young. I will find the answer that has eluded me so far. I will find my purpose and role in Christ.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">All the answers are with You, my Lord. I only have to ask You.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">Today as I left my workplace and boarded the bus, I did not read much of the Bible because of my thought of getting a guitar and playing it. I saw another gift You have given me. The gift of music. Its still early for me to say, but I had come up with a few tunes to sing praises of You, to glorify You. I never wrote down the tunes, for I will know when I can recall or even find better tunes in the future.</span>Jiaxianghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07382054083186808384noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6985775954295639960.post-57171750349634928952007-07-24T20:34:00.000-07:002007-07-24T21:21:17.827-07:00Messy<span style="font-family:times new roman;">Initially I do not know what to type in here. I thought of 'basic courtesy', or 'human society'. Perhaps how I found my job? Well... for now I cannot come up with a concrete foundation to write on any of those subjects so I just write down what I can think of at the moment.<br /><br />Last week was a very interesting week. I was still working as a temp admin where I had 'a repeat watching of a movie', 'a lecture by my mother', '2 interviews', 'a blood donation' and confusion.<br /><br />Let me start with monday: I watched Transformers with Jun Wei, again. As I marvelled at the 3D digital effects of the transforming mechanized beings and the realism of the show, Jun Wei told me something that had me thinking.<br /><br />A show that once captured many hearts with the capacity to make many fantasize what could be possible in the story. What are the limitations of the imagination of the Transformers in the minds of those who watched the cartoon back in the 80s. It could go far and beyond as long as the mind is willing and able.<br /><br />Then the limitation stopped when the movie came out. A teaspoon of 3D effects and a pot of realism with 'cool' garnishing poured into the soup of imagination of 'The Transformers". We saw what the Transformers were capable of. We realised how real it can get. We also know how short it stopped in terms of imagination when we had in our mind the fantastic world of Transformers etched into our minds since young.<br /><br />Some may like the soup, some do not. I am ok with it because I am more visual and I can accept many things even if it does not live up to the hype. What the show lacked in many elements, covered it with action, explosions and 'cool' mentality as the show is more catered to the current generation who is so engulfed by the things that are 'cool'.<br /><br />Tuesday: I initially wanted NOT to go to work as I had a morning run earlier. I had no idea why and I simply go to my mum and told her that. She lectured me and told me to go to work immediately. At that time I still did not know why I told her that. I only know that I do not want to go back to the lifestyle that had me crippled for the past 2 - 3 years.<br /><br />This wake up call had me rejuvenated and I thanked my mother for it. I also thank my Lord that I told my mother about this so she could lecture me. Strange huh? It was also on the same day that I got a call to go for an interview. I was excited and do not want this chance to go to waste.<br /><br />Wednesday: I went to the interview and had a pretty lenghtly session with the interviewer. He almost had me convinced that I could contribute to the company as its a small but growing company. I could become a member who helped the company grow significantly.<br /><br />As excited as I was, I saw an old lady sitting outside those shophouses selling fruits and vegetables and I felt pain in my heart. <em>"Why is she there working? She must have been in her 80s! What made her still work at this age!? What are her children doing? Does she have any???"</em> So many questions, so many emotions.<br /><br />Then I realised this: no matter how much I am tempted by the roses at the road side, I should remain focused on the road ahead. That road ahead is whereby I study to become a social worker and do my part for the people in this society before I move on to the higher aspiration, which is becoming a lecturer specialising in teaching aspiring social workers on social science and social studies.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">Thursday: I had another interview and it is at one end of Changi. I went there and stopped at Airport road, thinking the place is inside. I saw a 'Police Pass Office' and felt something was not right. I could not see the building I was supposed to go. I enquire around and found that its not here. I called the interviewer and asked her how to go. I was late at that time. In the end I took the bus, thinking it could lead me further down the road.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">The bus took me back to where I came from! I thought maybe its somewhere along the trip. I still see none. I was 20 minutes late! So as the norm goes, I took a taxi. Even the driver had to search the directory to find the location. It was then when he drove to the place did I realised that the location was even further behind than Airport road. Man... its so isolated! A shutter bus was needed to get in and out.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">I went to the building, exchanged a pass (this time the correct one) and went to for the interview. She told me about the job scope and stuffs. I asked about the details of certain tasks and how to rearrange time should I go for further studies. Basically we came to an agreement and she more or less expected me to agree to accepting this job. I ask for a few days to decide between the 2 jobs. I would give them an answer on next monday (which was this monday).</span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">1 have lesser pay, the other is far off from my home. 1 involves travelling around SG, the other most likely include tons of OTs and deadlines to meet. I was confused over this 2 choices so I asked for comments. Many pointed me to the 2nd one because its a more reputable company and more in line towards what I could learn which benefit me in the future. Not to mention higher pay.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">Friday was a 'rest' day for me as there was not much of an 'adventure' in that day.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">Saturday: I went for the 2nd blood donation. Hah! This time, under the pressing commands of my mother, I asked for more iron tablets. I also came to realise why I always finished my donation faster than Han Yew. We are of different weight and the heavier people gets to donate more, thus slower to finish. Ooooooh...</span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">In any case its another fun session in blood donating. At night, I had to fetch my brother from school because his primary 5 corhort attended the NE of NDP. I waited and waited, saw the buses entered 1 by 1. They had some sort of a last warcry before 'officially' ended and I found him before bringing him out of the school.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">We waited for a taxi for quite a while. I told my brother that if I had a car, I would have left by now. He told me if you have the money 1st, then you get a car. Frankly speaking, having the money is useless if I have no LICENSE!!! Oh well... we still got into a taxi after a long wait. I found out my brother had a knack for starting a sentence with "No" if my comments were not in line with his. So I basically took my bible and slap his thigh whenever he said that.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">Am I supposed to use the bible to do that? O_o No I don't think so... Hmm.............</span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">Ok, this is a long entry and its not even the one I wanted to put in. Nontheless its something I put so I could read back and reflect on the many things that happened during the week.</span>Jiaxianghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07382054083186808384noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6985775954295639960.post-51423658469020654232007-04-04T02:46:00.000-07:002007-04-04T02:49:21.680-07:00Crying<span style="font-family:times new roman;">What is crying? Why do we cry? Does crying always associate with sadness and pain? How can we tell if the person is crying out of happiness or pain inside?<br /><br />I took a bus back home today. Saw a toddler talking to her family while standing and the bus took a jerk forward and she fell down. She cried as a result and rather loud too, I might add. As I was watching the 'awkward' situation from a corner as her father helped her up, it made me ponder as I see her cry.<br /><br />We cry because we are in pain. We cry because we are hurting inside our heart. We cry simply because its one of the most effective ways to vent out deep unhappiness in us.<br /><br />Is it sand that threw itself into our eyes that caused tears to form and well up in our eyes? Or we cry so as to purge any possible toxin that coagulate in our eyes and subsequently wash our eyes? Or maybe we cry because we are just plain emotional?<br /><br />When we see a couple on the aisle exchanging vows of marriage or a newborn baby, even graduation of the young adult, we can somehow see a few individuals, mostly the mother or close relative, shed tears. Normally we dismiss it off as tears of happiness and joy.<br /><br />Can you imagine seeing a new life, or years of grooming come to fruition or even seeing your child tying the knot makes you so happy and felt joy that mere words could not even describe that, tears are the best way to express that feeling.<br /><br />Is that really the case? Seeing a newborn coming into the world of treachery, betrayal, mistrust and others. Or seeing that the young graduate is now about to face the REAL world, not under the shelter of the parents anymore. Seeing the married couple is now going to face new challenges and issues they could never imagine possible or happening to them. Does the crying kin subsconsciously know what it will be like or is there more? Perhaps a mixture of happiness and sadness?<br /><br />We fall down and blood trickles from the knee, we cry. We got caned by our mothers and made to kneel, we cry. We get ridiculed by friends or peers, we cry. We felt injustice as the teachers blamed us for something we did not do, we cry. We broke up with our dates, we cry. Our kins or friends passed away, we cry. A heated arguement with our family, we cry alone. Years of pain and fustration bottled up into us, we find a place and cry.<br /><br />So many things to make us cry. Its an innate ability since coming out from our mothers' womb. Its so natural and easy to do. Babies cry when they are hungry, uncomfortable or wanted attention. Kids cry when they are bullied, hurt or unable to get what they wanted. Teenagers cry when they break up, get maligned or couldn't make the grade. Adults cry when they felt helpless, lost or fustrated.<br /><br />However, I left out the question on 'What is crying'.<br /><br />Is crying a way to ease tension and pain? Perhaps its really to wash the toxin away? Or maybe there really is no reason to answer what exactly is crying.<br /><br />I only know this: Crying is a gift.<br /><br />When you are misunderstood, bullied, tortured or anything that hurts you, anger is there. Loss of rational thinking is inevitable. Maybe you will plot some sort of revenge or just try to direct the negative emotions to your own benefit. When all these are gone and done with, all that is left are the pain and sorrow that are not dealt with. What was earlier done could not justify or even soothe the pain that is in you.<br /><br />What can you do?<br /><br />You cry.</span>Jiaxianghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07382054083186808384noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6985775954295639960.post-75401980283355824602007-03-11T21:02:00.001-07:002007-03-13T19:31:13.044-07:00Walking with Jesus daily<span style="font-family:times new roman;">Ever since the last post, I have spent the time experiencing different things. Issues, situations, emotions, feelings and sun burn on partial body... A fruitful time I might say, even though not all are nice and sweet.<br /><br />U-Bash! As how they named this event, its basically the 'whole' unit get together during this time to know more about one another, have fun and build further relationships between one another. Its one of the days when I really enjoyed alot. Never have I felt such powerful 'family'-oriented bondship besides my own family, my relationship with my neighbours in the past and my close buddies. This event gave me alot of meaning and made me felt truely ALIVE. It also somewhat gave me an insight of what Heaven would be like when I finally finish my time here on Earth.<br /><br />Continuing looking for work! As I have still not got a successful job, I was doing what I can to set plans for my goals. Teaching is what I want, but there is one time where I lost sight of this goal. It made me think alot and and consider alternatives like getting a job in other sectors. However the most important thing at that time is due to the odd occurance of FORGETTING my goal, I have very nearly compromised my whole plan as I was very concerned about financial issues and my mother, mostly. My mother has hinted to me she wanted to retire from working and rest at home. That had me re-considering the whole plan I had and I had a good talk with a few brothers about this. I was still unsure if this was the correct route I should go as I know God paved this road for me but I put my faith in Him and trusted Him.<br /><br />Sports Meet! The event was announced to the whole sub-D a few weeks before and we have only a month to set up everything for the event. It falls in the period of the Chinese new year, so basically we ran short on time. However I learnt alot of things in this event. I knew more brothers and sisters closer than before and I felt a real tangible sense of belonging (What I see in Heaven that is). Its so great and so immense, that I do not want to lose sight, hearing, touch, feel, smell and sense of it.<br /><br />The event itself was even greater, even when the games were not exactly going to plan, the basic objective was met and with rather great effect: that is <span style="color:#ff0000;">fun</span>. A few short hours to me was like many years of friendship and relationship being fostered in that space of time. I got closer to everyone in the sub-D (even those who were not there that day were included) and this was one of those what God has promised me when I first received Christ. Call me selfish, but that is what I can see and feel: how I can be so sure I am fostering better relationship with them is because there is Christ in their hearts and souls just as mine and it is He who is at work to bind us closer every moment. I don't mind getting 'baked' if I can build up more and better relationships with the people around me.<br /><br />Courtship! On sunday, Hua Qiang and Sarah announced their official courtship. It was a joyous occasion for us and with many reasons. They are the 'pioneer' couple in our sub-D (This gives hope to many of our brothers), once again God is the match-maker (Amen!) and I don't really know why, but I just generally felt great joy for them. I don't really feel any envy or jealousy, just a broad grin whole day long. =D<br /><br />Prayer and fasting! This is something I am still working on. I have been in it for 2 weeks, and many times I did not pray that much while I fast, or after the fasting period. Neither did I read much of the Bible too. Something I must change indeed. Still this period made me think through alot of things, all illustrated above and somehow my relationship with God grew stronger even if its a little bit.<br /><br />There are still so many things I have yet to do. I am working towards it as I am typing and someday I will see it all come to fruition. No matter what happens, I know I am walking besides Jesus towards the end goal of my life. ^_^</span>Jiaxianghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07382054083186808384noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6985775954295639960.post-9331959188267293412007-01-10T23:48:00.000-08:002007-08-15T13:03:20.024-07:00Reflection<span style="font-size:85%;">Looking back at 2006, it was a year of two opposites.<br /><br />One: my life was a complete wreck. Wreck in a sense that I really have no idea what I want. I get disappointed easily and laziness crept into me like an earth worm back into the soil. I was not motivated to do what was urgent and important to me. I was lost.<br /><br />Two: I met Jesus. He introduced me to God. I confessed my sins, asked for forgiveness and put my life into his hands. I had a new life, things started to unfold right infront of me. I have new friends, I had a job. My life was back in track, but most of all, I found a purpose. That is to live a life of a Christian.<br /><br />I thought I was living a great life. That was until I quit my last job in search of a profession into the social work and counselling. I somehow felt I was slowly but gradually creeping back into the situation where I was before I met Him. Wreck... complete wreck. I do not want that... AGAIN.<br /><br />Unfortunately it did happened, I was "slacking" at home for much of the period. I was trying to figure out why am I back in this situation? A trial given by God? Am I to face what I fear and overcome it? Didn't I gone through this before and "conquer" it? I thought so but apparently no.<br /><br />I had a hard time dealing with this and the people around me can see it. The situation was further aggravated by the issue my mum had with my dad. Possibly because of the stress they both are facing, but they had a hard time trying to figure each other out.<br /><br />I told this to a few of the people close to me and I got some feedback:<br /><br />1: Lack of motivation. Its the most obvious thing since I mentioned it firsthand to them. I found it hard to get things going from the starting point. Get me into the race and I can finish it definately, but I do not know how to get into the race on my own.<br /><br />2: Sliding away from God, Christ and the Holy Spirit. I read less and less of the bible after I quit my work. It seemed to have quite a big impact on me, really. I remember from this passage "<em>John 4:14 - whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.",</em> how true is that. When I read the bible, I learnt so many things and I get some kind of "refilling" (Its actually from the Holy Spirit) everytime to face the outside world and everything. When I stopped reading for a prolonged period, I felt drained.<br /><br />3: Goals in my life. I am a perfectionist. What I see in the "end product" is very beautiful and very near perfect from my point of view, BUT to get there is another matter. A small blemish along the way and I may have to scrap the whole thing. I may have also set my goals too far. SO far that it seemed my "energy" was not enough to sustain me all the way to there, thus the implementation of short and middle term goals.<br /><br />Come to think of it, I really am stuck in this point of my life. I was down and could hardly make a joke. Even last sunday's praise and worship, which is a time for me to do my praise and worshipping to God, was a passing moment to me. I could not focus well and I failed God. I was miserable and negative. Strangely though, it was also during this point I think alot. Considering how much neural activity occured in my brain. XD<br /><br />Some how I began to feel better. As I browse through the songs I am listening to while onboard the bus, I began playing some old songs I once listened to frequently. Waves of emotions swept through me as I listened to them one by one. Nostalgic as it seemed, it brought back a certain vibrant feeling and energy into me. I began to smile as I listened intently. These songs, dated back to 8 years or so, made me recall some past moments in my life. The last sermon was about putting the past behind and move forward.<br /><br />I am still figuring out my life, but I am looking forward to the end of this rough patch and gaining much from it as I continue my road as a Christian. I won't be walking alone though... =D</span>Jiaxianghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07382054083186808384noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6985775954295639960.post-47097117863866505222006-12-29T01:33:00.000-08:002006-12-29T01:49:39.221-08:00Mr or Miss Right<span style="font-family:times new roman;">Why there are many individuals who seem to find out something is wrong in their relationship with the person they date. Is there no way of telling who is the "one" for you? How many "dates" do you want to go through so you can find the "one"?</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">I have read many people's cases on "BGR turned sour" and most of them seem to think they are the "wrong" people they dated. They think they will never find the "correct" one or Mr/Miss Right. BUT how can you be sure </span><span style="font-family:times new roman;">who is your Mr/Miss Right?</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">There is no definate solution nor is there any fool proof plan of going about it. You learn through life itself and in your life you will go through a roller coaster ride with regards to finding your Mr/Miss Right.</span><span style="font-family:times new roman;"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:times new roman;"></span><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Of course how many hearts are you willing to break OR how many times you want your heart to shatter to get there? If you already knew WHO IS your ideal mate, are you willing to resist temporary feelings and emotions in search of that ideal mate of yours? OR will you give in and just get one and enjoy the time together without really seriously considering are you two going for life?</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"><br />Through the "wrong" people, you learn more about yourself and your traits and flaws. Slowly you will filter out many things and narrowing your search, finding the ideal person will be more clearer than ever before.<br /></span><br /></span><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Nowadays we see many people get together in relationships in the heat of moment or passion. Very few rarely consider the consequences in relationships and the commitments involved. Its starting to get "stereotypical" that getting into a relationship between a guy and a girl ( in some cases guy and guy or girl and girl) is normal or hip and is in a way considered "experienced" or some other words.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">There is NOTHING wrong in getting into a relationship. Just keep in mind what is it you looking for... OR RATHER what is it you can give to the other party and do know that you love him/her and that is why you give more than you receive. Then slowly you will know who is your Mr/Miss Right... Or left?</span>Jiaxianghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07382054083186808384noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6985775954295639960.post-28459669565839475022006-12-29T01:30:00.000-08:002006-12-29T01:33:11.577-08:00Friends<span style="font-family:times new roman;">To make an aquaintance is so easy. To be a friend takes more time and effort. To be a TRUE friend, you have to know the person's basic personality or core foundation of what makes a person's character.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">There are times when you want to hold that person so much, yet its only a moment of passion that makes you do so. There are times when you really want to go up to to that special someone and say, "I have feelings for you." But the two of you may not be prepared for it.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">When you like someone, do you go up to that person and say, "Oei, pak tor ai mai?". Or do you wait and get to know that person more and see for yourself what that person is like and whether that person is suitable for you or not? When you finally get to know someone, only then it is too late to realise you could have made the wrong move in the first place.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Time and again, you will keep wondering what makes you so attracted to that person. Many of you may say, "Is there a reason to love?". True, not all the times we can find a reason for that, but have you actually thought what that person has that makes you so "head and heels" over that person? Could it be that person has a funny personality? Or does that person has a nice heart and caring towards others that makes your heart warm as well? Perhaps even that person has a direct, or blunt, approach to life that you wish you too could have that approach. Think about what makes you so attracted to this person.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">There are cases when the time spent with a person is nothing compared to the QUALITY time spent with another person. I known a friend for many years, but due to a misunderstanding started indirectly by me, he said, "Can dun be frens wif me de...". I was shocked and heartbroken by HOW a person can say even the nastiest things in a fit of the moment. There are people I have known for a short time but we feel like close kins and even share many intimate things.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">I do have regrets in life, but I can look at those regrets and smile, knowing I have learnt something from it and reinforcing me in a sense that the next time I make a decision, I will make sure I choose the one I want and have no regrets whatsoever.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">You choose the type of company you want, you decide whether is it worth keeping going into it or ending it. No one can seduce your decision otherwise and no matter how good other people's words are to you, in the end you make the choice because it is your life.</span>Jiaxianghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07382054083186808384noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6985775954295639960.post-61613742863200603252006-12-29T01:23:00.000-08:002006-12-29T01:29:41.759-08:00Something to share...<span style="font-family:times new roman;">I have gave a present to my younger brother some time ago on his birthday. He was very surprised and very happy because I have never gave him any in the past. This is the first one and the first of many to come.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">When I looked at him wearing a big smile upon receiving the music CD from me, I felt a warmth in my heart.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">This is a joy and I want to share this joy with all of you reading this.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">When was the last time you gave a gift to someone? How did you felt that time when you saw the smile on that person's face upon receiving it from you? Have you failed to give a gift to someone? Have you ever thought of not giving to someone whom you deemed not worthy to receive?</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">A gift to someone may not be something you buy. It can be spending quality time, giving a hug, a pat on the back, listening to them, having a simple chat. Whatever it is, its you being there with them that matters the most. You may not notice but people appreciate when we take time to look for them and be there.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Have you kissed your mum? Hug your dad? Pat your brother or boy friends? Hold hands with your sister or girl friends? Its simple and small, even embarrassing to a certain point, but they can feel the love coming from you. They will smile back, you can feel the warmth in you and them. Don't you want some love? Find them! Talk to them! Keep them company! Its not some mammoth task, but it can certainly make your day.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Being in quarrels? Fell out with someone? Ignored a person or being ignored? Get rid of all those! Call them! Sms them! Msn them! Take the first step, apologise on your part and they will reciprocate. Even if they do not respond, at least you tried. There will be another time to do it again.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Am I being too optimistic? Yes I think so, but don't you think the human world is too realistic and too sad? We need a little optimism from each and everyone of us to make our day or someone's day. There is no harm in being optimistic or happy. Infact everybody will be delighted if you can show that all around.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Go on, do it!</span>Jiaxianghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07382054083186808384noreply@blogger.com0