The struggles within...

It has been a long time since I last went in here. Quite a number of complaints have 'urged' me to do something about the blog. I wondered for a while what should I write to remind myself in the future what did I penned in here. I guess the title should be good enough to start me wondering...

It has been 2+ years since I became a christian. All the while I thought God had things settled for me. Apparantly He had other ideas. Nice~~~ I wonder... What would have happened IF I have never accepted Jesus into my life? Most likely I would still be stuck in the pile of mud or in a pit as I was 4 years back. I would have never understand why am I here. I would have never come to terms with my existence. I would have never cherish myself and the people around me more than I ever did.

When Guang An started the sharing of conversion stories within the CG, I thought, "Have my fervor to share my story with others died down compared to when I first became a christian? Have I became mellowed? Have I became uninterested!?"

I recalled my life as one who had his path laid before him. Primary education, secondary and polytechnic education, national service. I never had to decide what should I choose or make the critical decisions that would change my life. I took things as they come. I still remember quite a number of my friends saw me as a 'happy-go-lucky' kind of guy. I was never in need. I was never disasstisfied. I saw life as simple as it was: to live and let live.

I was well protected from the many harms and temptations that came along the way: drugs, gangsterism, disease, handicap. Yet I was not immune to what is common to the average man: lust, anger, greed, envy, sloth, gluttony and pride. Everyday I face different issues that seem minor to some and huge to others. Yet I somehow survived it eventually.

I could not have made sense of the life I lived after NS back then. Cooping myself in my room, shutting myself away from society, asking the questions I could never find a satisfactory answer afterwards. No work, no income, no confidence, no face, no life, no hope. For 2 years I spent my life wondering in a mess. 2 years have been spent in barren times. I hate that: no meaning, no balance, no sense.

I wonder if it is normal for a typical man to really shut his emotions and assume he needs to tackle EVERY problem on his own? Is it really that embarassing to share his thoughts or emotions to people he trust? Is it really that difficult to open up? I thought so for a time. It wasn't 'man' to do that. Yet man is only man, only human and human is not invincible. Humans do fall. Humans do make mistakes. Humans are mortal.

The pain that was in me, the humiliation that walked side by side with me, the anguish that clinged to me like UHU glue; confusion has led my life at that time and I felt helpless. I wanted so much to scream, to cry, or to the extreme; destroy what I knew as 'humanity' and everything with it. I hated humans, I hated everything they do, but most of all I hated myself.

Rewind back to 2 years before, I made a decision to get out of that shell and face reality. I have no idea how to work things out. I was lagging behind everybody in terms of life progression. I was scared. I knew my friends were concerned about me and they were nice enough not to probe any deeper than I could give because I do not know how to answer them.

I remembered the day when I went to meet a close friend (brother) and before I accepted Christ into my heart. I was hurting, I was lost, I felt like a Windows XP operating system stucked in a 200 MB hard disk drive, waiting to explode. I knew I was an emotional person. As much as I tried to hold back my tears, I could not. For 14 years I did not cry. For 14 years I thought I was a 'man'. For 14 years I was protected like some spoilt kid, unwilling to face the truth that is before him. I felt like letting everything go.

I wanted so much to relinquish my responsibilities as a man, a friend and a son but I could not. I wanted so much to deny myself and go into oblivion but yet I could not. I cannot escape from my responsibilities. I cannot run from what I was meant to do. I cannot hide from the fact that I am alive.

When God forgave me of my sins through Jesus as I repented, I felt lighter. I felt a heavy burden just taken off my shoulders. I did not feel a 180º change but I felt things will turn out better because I believed. Besides I have no one else to turn to at that time anyway... XP

I thought life as a christian would be like a bed of roses, but I left out the part where roses have thorns. It was a struggle as I found many things hard to swallow. There are many issues I could not make sense of or come to terms with. Why must I be righteous all the time? Why do I have to be so caring and serving? Why can't I put down all these? Its very tiring!

I did my part to help and encourage as well, but more than half is out of my own strength and character than through the grace of God. When I saw the brothers and sisters do their part to help and encourage the people around them, it made me wonder where do they find that strength and perseverence? What made them kept going on despite getting nothing in return? Why do they even try so hard when eternal life is awaiting them? I can tell some are doing it to the point of breaking down. Some even did it without knowing why. However they have one thing in common: the belief that God would deliver them and bless them.

The little things that happened to me and around me were very obvious for me to reflect upon. Little by little I realised who I am. Slowly I came to terms with many things I could not agree upon. Surely I am starting to make sense of everything that has happened and how everything fitted in like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. Such a level of awareness was given to me by God after I prayed for it. Woo hoo!

Even as of now, I still struggle with many things. I do not know how can I face it in the meantime but everytime I see Jesus on the cross, I felt the pain. Mainly because that act of crucifixion touched me deeply, personally. He died for people and they (I) do not deserve it. That serves as a somber reminder of my sins that have already been washed away and how his sacrifice can overcome all things that I find it hard to deal with.

Tired... need to sleep...

Bitterness & Forgiveness

How can I deal with bitterness and residues of bitterness...

Frankly speaking, after all these years I still do not understand how to 'deal' with bitterness besides the obvious answer (through God, that is). I only know that my handling of bitterness is at best 'throwing the trash into the rubbish bin'.

I took a long time to figure out WHY am I holding on to the bitterness I have for those whom I 'hated' or held grudge against. Everytime I am bitter towards somebody, I seem to have different answers but they came from the same root issue - genuine love for them.

If you have no genuine love/feelings for this person, how can you hate them? You do not hate for no reason unless you have nothing to do...

I have had bitterness towards many people in my life: my grandma, my mum, some other friends and even Kin Wee at one point but they are just varying degrees of bitterness and some are very minor compared to the two I mentioned in the previous thread. However non can compare to the bitterness I have for myself.

Many times I keep asking myself, "What the **** am I doing here on this planet?"

I do not score good grades, I cannot play sports very well too, I even felt my playing of video games are only of average standard. Better still, I was never good in time management. I put an unreasonable and unrealistic standard on myself and I always compare with others.

'Why can he score 281 for PSLE!?', 'How did he grow to 1.85m tall?', 'Why can she get $200 for monthly allowance?', 'How come his muscles get bigger and bigger!?', 'Why is he that lucky with girls?', 'How insignificant am I in this population of 6 billion!!!', etc, etc...

I can list all the ikan bilis of comparisons & crap but they are just a result of many factors in me: low self-esteem, small heartedness, inexperienced, pride, expectations, etc, etc...

This is the major reason why I spent 2 barren years wondering what is going on. That is until God found me. He forgave me through Jesus Christ and no matter what, I am glad he did. Now I am learning to forgive myself.

Personality...?

You Are An INFP

The Idealist You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world. Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships. It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close. But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop. In love, you tend to have high (and often unrealistic) standards. You are very sensitive. You tend to have intense feelings. At work, you need to do something that expresses your personal values. You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist. How you see yourself: Unselfish, empathetic, and spiritual When other people don't get you, they see you as: Unrealistic, naive, and weak

What's" Your Personality Type?