The night of staying awake Part 2...

The year 2010 AD... The month of February... The date that is 14th... I mentioned earlier my decision to stay throughout the night. This part is on Valentine...

I have encountered twenty nine February 14ths in my life. Well the first fifteen or so has no significance to me. I was innocent and slow... The latter fourteen does somewhat catch my attention but I never actively do anything about it and it passed by me just like any other days that seems significant to me, which actually is not.

I remembered the first time I began to realize my "momentum building" attraction towards the opposite gender. I had totally no idea how did that happen. It just did. The would haves versus the have nots. I can remember so clearly who I was attracted to and who were attracted to me. Hey, I am not being egoistic to acknowledge I am handsome or what. I only came to realize it happened based on my observations and reflections. Period.

So Valentine's day suddenly became a day I noticed and rightly so: with all the hiking prices for roses and restaurants, couples hand in hand with gifts and other stuffs, places displayed with decorations of hearts and cupids. It is just SO~~~ obvious... Isn't it?

Only when I was told Valentine's day also meant friendship day did that have a different, a more liberating effect on me. I could bless others without the wrong ideas stirring. I could be out with friends with no strings attached. I could finally put this day behind me and treat it as any other day, which means all days (except Easter and Christmas) meant little to me.

I will not write down what I have written in the journal earlier on in here. But I will summarize it in a different, more PG 13-esque standard so everyone can digest it well and not have wrong assumptions. When I wrote halfway through, I thought much about this. Finally, instead of fantasizing about the possibilities, I decided to dedicate this particular Valentine to God himself.

Interesting move, some would say, but not without giving serious thoughts to this. Who deserves such attention and love more than the creator of us? The author of the greatest love story? I spent some time recalling my experiences through life as a christian and how God has stayed by me. I have seen how people have changed throughout the years (including myself) but God still stayed with me.

People may mind my social standing, God does not. People may mind my financial standing, God does not. People may mind my being as a core, God do not. I will disappoint people and upset them, God included! BUT God do not. I will not live up to people's expectations (this is ridiculous by the way...), but God don't see it that way. He made me the way he wanted. This is what he got and this is who I am. I live according to how I was made and I live for him. Even if others say I should do this or do that, so long as it is contradictory to what God says, I will only listen to him.

I have concerns how my life will pen out. That is why I look to him for comfort and reassurance. The things I cannot achieve or get by human standard; ALL that I have mentioned earlier will be futile and for nothing in the end. Even if living in Singapore based on who I am and what I have will cost me dearly; I most likely won't be financially abundant or socially well adept, I have no qualms with that. This life is a rehearsal for what is to come. If people cannot accept my way of life, how I live it, or what I will be missing out, fine with me. This is their thinking. They cannot see what I see: I hope they can but it is not for me to judge that. This is me. Period.

How I love others will be based on how God loves me and how much I loves him. I cannot provide the best people have to offer, but I can provide the best that I have and the best that I am. It is this heart intent that makes a smile; if not in others, at least in me. It is this that brings into eternity. It is this that defines me. I rather be financially poor and love richly than be financially rich and love poorly.

Perhaps in time God will change me to see things differently from all these. I do not know what will happen, but I do know this: At the end of the day as our journey to be more Christ-like is nearer and nearer, all will be well. All will be worth it. I end this with a verse that suddenly popped up in my mind.

Matthew 19:24 - "Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of God."

Shalom