The year 2010 AD... The month of February... The date that is 14th... I mentioned earlier my decision to stay throughout the night. This part is on Valentine...
I have encountered twenty nine February 14ths in my life. Well the first fifteen or so has no significance to me. I was innocent and slow... The latter fourteen does somewhat catch my attention but I never actively do anything about it and it passed by me just like any other days that seems significant to me, which actually is not.
I remembered the first time I began to realize my "momentum building" attraction towards the opposite gender. I had totally no idea how did that happen. It just did. The would haves versus the have nots. I can remember so clearly who I was attracted to and who were attracted to me. Hey, I am not being egoistic to acknowledge I am handsome or what. I only came to realize it happened based on my observations and reflections. Period.
So Valentine's day suddenly became a day I noticed and rightly so: with all the hiking prices for roses and restaurants, couples hand in hand with gifts and other stuffs, places displayed with decorations of hearts and cupids. It is just SO~~~ obvious... Isn't it?
Only when I was told Valentine's day also meant friendship day did that have a different, a more liberating effect on me. I could bless others without the wrong ideas stirring. I could be out with friends with no strings attached. I could finally put this day behind me and treat it as any other day, which means all days (except Easter and Christmas) meant little to me.
I will not write down what I have written in the journal earlier on in here. But I will summarize it in a different, more PG 13-esque standard so everyone can digest it well and not have wrong assumptions. When I wrote halfway through, I thought much about this. Finally, instead of fantasizing about the possibilities, I decided to dedicate this particular Valentine to God himself.
Interesting move, some would say, but not without giving serious thoughts to this. Who deserves such attention and love more than the creator of us? The author of the greatest love story? I spent some time recalling my experiences through life as a christian and how God has stayed by me. I have seen how people have changed throughout the years (including myself) but God still stayed with me.
People may mind my social standing, God does not. People may mind my financial standing, God does not. People may mind my being as a core, God do not. I will disappoint people and upset them, God included! BUT God do not. I will not live up to people's expectations (this is ridiculous by the way...), but God don't see it that way. He made me the way he wanted. This is what he got and this is who I am. I live according to how I was made and I live for him. Even if others say I should do this or do that, so long as it is contradictory to what God says, I will only listen to him.
I have concerns how my life will pen out. That is why I look to him for comfort and reassurance. The things I cannot achieve or get by human standard; ALL that I have mentioned earlier will be futile and for nothing in the end. Even if living in Singapore based on who I am and what I have will cost me dearly; I most likely won't be financially abundant or socially well adept, I have no qualms with that. This life is a rehearsal for what is to come. If people cannot accept my way of life, how I live it, or what I will be missing out, fine with me. This is their thinking. They cannot see what I see: I hope they can but it is not for me to judge that. This is me. Period.
How I love others will be based on how God loves me and how much I loves him. I cannot provide the best people have to offer, but I can provide the best that I have and the best that I am. It is this heart intent that makes a smile; if not in others, at least in me. It is this that brings into eternity. It is this that defines me. I rather be financially poor and love richly than be financially rich and love poorly.
Perhaps in time God will change me to see things differently from all these. I do not know what will happen, but I do know this: At the end of the day as our journey to be more Christ-like is nearer and nearer, all will be well. All will be worth it. I end this with a verse that suddenly popped up in my mind.
Matthew 19:24 - "Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of God."
Shalom
Saturday, February 13, 2010
The night of staying awake Part 1...
The year 2010 AD... The month of February... The date that is 14th... It has two meanings that everybody in the land of Singapore will have in mind. The Chinese Lunar New Year, and Valentine's day. What kind of meaning... or implication does this have on everyone? What is going through their minds?
More than eleven hours ago, I have decided to stay awake throughout the night. Initially it was for the intention of 守夜 (guarding the night for my parents). However I decided to dedicate the time to God instead. No better reason comes to my mind when I decided this than the simple fact that I love our Holy Father.
When I wrote in my journal what I want to dedicate and commit, I had a quiet and peaceful time to think through what is going on in my mind. I shall not disclose everything that is written in the journal to this blog but instead I am writting the opposite, more intentionally meant for readers who wants to find a sense of reconciliation.
The first is regarding the HOPE church building fund. I understood that my life is not a life of wealth and luxury. Every cent counts... well... to the best of our abilities in my family. Still I grew up not having the intensity of having the value of money stewardship as some other friends that I know. To me, money is something I would say... second place compared to others I considered worth dying for.
However this amount that I have... this amount that I am about to give is something that has bothered me ever since the movement started. I have plans. We all have plans. This sum can help me to prepare for the future, but what is the future that we can be certain of that we have yet to see? Still I am committed to give. But to give means I have to let go of this future I am hoping for. I have to let go of control.
The one thing that bugs me is how can I be a good steward of finance if I am unable to plan and prepare with what I have financially? Now that I have decided to commit most of what I have left, away from my wealth. How would that reflect on my financial stability? I am 30 years of age. I have yet to find a job after some break. I have no money for anything that I want in a house. I cannot even guarantee I can rear a family KNOWING the career or path I am about to embark is not a financially assuring one. But I trust in the Lord. Period.
Giving to the Lord is something I always love. You know, when you sacrifice lovingly, God will bless you in ways you cannot fathom. So wonderful are his ways you can only give glory and thanks to him. This one is no different. I have no qualms giving money so long as it is worth it. BUT I do not want to just give it blatantly. I remembered Yan Jie shared with me his experience in giving to the fund. He wanted to make full use of the experience to grow. I love his sharing, but I cannot feel the same if I were to do it in the same manner as his... or anyone else for that matter. That is not me.
Then I was memorizing the verses I purposely selected and I recited upon this one.
1 Corinthians 13:3 - "If I give all I have to the poor and sacrifice my body to the flames, BUT HAVE NOT LOVE. I gain nothing."
I just stopped.
I took quite a while away from my journalling and spent some time thinking through this verse and talking to God what is the meaning of this. After all the rationalizing and discussion, I realized the more I try to go deeper, the more it eludes me. There is no way I can grasp a handful of sand slipping away. I have to let go... Thus I decided to let it go. Simply put: I will not find any "strings" attached to this decision I make. I will give... not for the sake of giving. I will give... because I decided to love and commit. Whatever happens from then on will not affect me much because I have already got my "end of the bargain".
Even when I get nothing in the end (and I shouldn't have such expectations on bartering or trade), I am glad I still decided because I believed I have gone one step closer to obedience. That is good enough for me.
^oo^
More than eleven hours ago, I have decided to stay awake throughout the night. Initially it was for the intention of 守夜 (guarding the night for my parents). However I decided to dedicate the time to God instead. No better reason comes to my mind when I decided this than the simple fact that I love our Holy Father.
When I wrote in my journal what I want to dedicate and commit, I had a quiet and peaceful time to think through what is going on in my mind. I shall not disclose everything that is written in the journal to this blog but instead I am writting the opposite, more intentionally meant for readers who wants to find a sense of reconciliation.
The first is regarding the HOPE church building fund. I understood that my life is not a life of wealth and luxury. Every cent counts... well... to the best of our abilities in my family. Still I grew up not having the intensity of having the value of money stewardship as some other friends that I know. To me, money is something I would say... second place compared to others I considered worth dying for.
However this amount that I have... this amount that I am about to give is something that has bothered me ever since the movement started. I have plans. We all have plans. This sum can help me to prepare for the future, but what is the future that we can be certain of that we have yet to see? Still I am committed to give. But to give means I have to let go of this future I am hoping for. I have to let go of control.
The one thing that bugs me is how can I be a good steward of finance if I am unable to plan and prepare with what I have financially? Now that I have decided to commit most of what I have left, away from my wealth. How would that reflect on my financial stability? I am 30 years of age. I have yet to find a job after some break. I have no money for anything that I want in a house. I cannot even guarantee I can rear a family KNOWING the career or path I am about to embark is not a financially assuring one. But I trust in the Lord. Period.
Giving to the Lord is something I always love. You know, when you sacrifice lovingly, God will bless you in ways you cannot fathom. So wonderful are his ways you can only give glory and thanks to him. This one is no different. I have no qualms giving money so long as it is worth it. BUT I do not want to just give it blatantly. I remembered Yan Jie shared with me his experience in giving to the fund. He wanted to make full use of the experience to grow. I love his sharing, but I cannot feel the same if I were to do it in the same manner as his... or anyone else for that matter. That is not me.
Then I was memorizing the verses I purposely selected and I recited upon this one.
1 Corinthians 13:3 - "If I give all I have to the poor and sacrifice my body to the flames, BUT HAVE NOT LOVE. I gain nothing."
I just stopped.
I took quite a while away from my journalling and spent some time thinking through this verse and talking to God what is the meaning of this. After all the rationalizing and discussion, I realized the more I try to go deeper, the more it eludes me. There is no way I can grasp a handful of sand slipping away. I have to let go... Thus I decided to let it go. Simply put: I will not find any "strings" attached to this decision I make. I will give... not for the sake of giving. I will give... because I decided to love and commit. Whatever happens from then on will not affect me much because I have already got my "end of the bargain".
Even when I get nothing in the end (and I shouldn't have such expectations on bartering or trade), I am glad I still decided because I believed I have gone one step closer to obedience. That is good enough for me.
^oo^
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