Anger

Anger. What is anger? Is anger a necessary emotion? Can anger helps the person? How does anger harms the person?

It has been a long time since I last posted in here. Right now I am feeling blank about what to pen down. Why am I using this issue 'anger' as the topic for this post? I guess it is to serve as a reminder of what I am capable of... What I fear I am capable of...

Anger is another inborn emotion that is with us ever since we were conceived. When we do not get what we want, we are angry. When someone offends us, we are angry. When we cannot agree on mutual terms, we are angry. Getting angry seems so easy, but lets not forget if left unchecked it can cause unimaginable destruction in its path.

In the past I get angry easily. Its just an expression to show how I feel, how I react, how I vent out. Nowadays I am more solemn or rather do not possess the fiery vigor of youth. However I do know I still have that huge fire in me should I blow up. It may be a short while but its definately not desirable from my point of view.

A few days ago, it happened. Even if I do not like it, I chose not to deal with it in the best way possible. My brother was doing things despite my adamant statements not to do it. Bit by bit, the anger ate into me. I could tolerate it for quite a while but his refusal to comply kept coming like waves after waves that build up & finally I could not contain the anger & I released it out the worst possible way I knew. I screamed at him.

In my life I never screamed at my brother the way I did. He was shocked and my mum was not happy as well. I did not explain anything to my mum because I still let my anger control my rational thinking. After a while I cooled down & I felt bad. I felt horrible. I have hurt my brother, upset my mother and worse: I knew more about myself in this manner.

I apologised to my brother and asked for his forgiveness. He forgave me, but I could not forgive myself. I fear all the more when will I blow again. I fear I will one day hurt the people I loved. I fear I will once again give in to anger in the worst way possible.

Is anger something necessary? Why do we need anger when all it does is cloud our judgement most of the time, make our faces red, grow more wrinkles, raise body temperature and others? Ever wonder why steam gushes out when you are boiling water? In scientific terms its a change of state from liquid to gas. The same could be applied to anger (in a way): All the pent up unaddressed issues, suppressed emotions, indignant receivings will transform into violent, exploding reaction. No way to make them disappear that simply.

At times I wonder why God created this emotion called 'anger'. Anger has to be expressed and expressed correctly. Giving in to anger blindly can only cause hurt, hatred and regret. Yet so many people, myself included, has difficulty handling anger correctly.

How does anger helps a person? Is that even possible? I am still searching for an answer regarding this. I know the Bible mention something with regards to this, but I forgot where it is...

We all know how anger can harm a person, be it the angry one or the one being targetted. It hurts the person's pride. It bites at the memory. It scares the mind. It tears at the relationship. It bring out the worst possible character in the person and so much more. All these are possible if anger is not managed well.

I am not happy with this anger of mine, but I do know God revealed it to me for a reason. To make me more aware of this and in the future to learn how to manage it better. Why I say manage? Because control over anger is virtually impossible. Control over any emotion, from what I learnt is not the best way of accounting to oneself. Awareness of anger, management of the emotion, submission of contempt to God. This is what I can do and this is what I will do should this happen again because I know what I am capable of...

Confusion amidst the calm...

5th August 07 was the last day for the annual Festival of Praise. Marcus brought Jacky & I there early (we reached there at 3pm when the event started at 730pm). Later we were joined by Yeu Ann & Pei Fang as the 5 of us enjoyed the FOP. No mere human language can fully describe the atmostphere & feelings there. It was great! "Now THAT is a concert!" & praise the Lord for that!

What has this got to do with what I am about to write? Well... walking a life of a Christian is never easy. Many people could not keep up with all the 'rules & regulations' that comes with being a Christian. I, for one, struggled to cope with the everyday issues and temptations as I walk closer to God day by day. 'Confusion' is the main topic in recent period.

Human beings have emotions, I am no exception. In fact I think I am much more emotional than a typical guy (maybe over sensitive and over reacting...) and I tend to think of things which are beyond my control. I just could not help it. As I began the week after the FOP with renewed faith and hope, I battled the daily mundane issues that appeared infront of me with ease as I know my source of solace & comfort comes from Him alone. However, all these have changed when a friend sms me.

"Hey, may I ask is there a verse or smth that is quoted in the Bible that dictates that a christian should not marry a non-christian?"

What kind of an answer do you want actually? There is no way you can fully grasp the meaning as long as you never get to know Him at an intimate level or even let Christ into your heart. I have asked Peter & Jun Wei for advise and they told me, "No matter what, never freak out and always be sensitive towards him."

The funniest thing is: this is not the major issue at hand, though its the first one... (Now I understand even better what is snowballing effect...)

Last saturday was the day where I prepared for the U-bash. A roller blading session with the Unit and basically, everybody had fun despite many never had any experience in blading and as a result a number had injuries. My confusion suddenly just appeared in the middle of the fun. Suddenly I just thought of her and the feelings were strangely more provoking & mind boggling. I thought I had dealt with it in the past, keeping myself in control and doing what I can instead of dwelling in the fantasy and ultimately, despair.

It never occur to anybody how I felt at that time because I don't easily show my feelings unless one is very observant. I myself was not even fully aware of this situation I was in during the whole time except for the occassional silence from me at intervals. I had a wonderful day and even enjoyed a few actions in the new season of EPL!

During my sleep, I was further provoked by the thought of her. I wasn't sure how. I never dreamt about her. Too tired to even think. Maybe I forgot to have a quiet time with God that made my mind & heart wander. It was during the HOP on sunday that I felt the full extent of the situation I was in and how helpless I was in dealing with it.

I could not concentrate. I could hardly or sincerely pray and intercede. I just could not take it. When Peter asked for us to pray for the people around us or even ourselves, I had wanted to pray for a few in mind but I could not focus and I had to pray for myself.

"I pray hard to you Lord that despite the condition I am in, You are with me. I am confused. I could not control myself. I could not get her out of my mind. It just suddenly blown out of proportion. But I know you will help me. I confess of my negligence and lack of faith. I acknowledge that I took her as a major comfort instead of You. I am sorry. My thoughts of her are hindering my relationship with You. I do not know what to do. I cannot think clearly. I ask for your forgiveness & help."

The brothers especially, prayed for me during the HOP and I thanked them for it. Jason, Peter & Yeu Ann. Later I told them what happened to me, how confused I was and how wrongly focused I was. I shared this with them and later to Guang An and Kenny. They told me it is natural of guys when such emotions come. However what guys can do, what I can do is instead of dwelling in those thoughts, I should focus on the positive. How can I be a more godly man and how should I focus my attention on helping the people around me to grow even stronger in faith. Focus on being pure hearted, single minded in the pursuit of God and good intent in helping others.

I never really felt relieved or 'released' but I slowly saw another perspective. I could not tell if its a revelation from God or something I made it out... but I started to make critical assessments of myself. Why was I not ready for a relationship commitment. What issues I have that I could not let go. What was wrong with me?

I could never find an answer, well not that fast anyway, but I continue to seek God because I know He has the answer. As I continue to battle the daily issues of work, life, temptations, sins, thoughts of her, myself, what can happen in the future, the people around me and many others, I will find the peace I always sought ever since young. I will find the answer that has eluded me so far. I will find my purpose and role in Christ.

All the answers are with You, my Lord. I only have to ask You.

Today as I left my workplace and boarded the bus, I did not read much of the Bible because of my thought of getting a guitar and playing it. I saw another gift You have given me. The gift of music. Its still early for me to say, but I had come up with a few tunes to sing praises of You, to glorify You. I never wrote down the tunes, for I will know when I can recall or even find better tunes in the future.

Messy

Initially I do not know what to type in here. I thought of 'basic courtesy', or 'human society'. Perhaps how I found my job? Well... for now I cannot come up with a concrete foundation to write on any of those subjects so I just write down what I can think of at the moment.

Last week was a very interesting week. I was still working as a temp admin where I had 'a repeat watching of a movie', 'a lecture by my mother', '2 interviews', 'a blood donation' and confusion.

Let me start with monday: I watched Transformers with Jun Wei, again. As I marvelled at the 3D digital effects of the transforming mechanized beings and the realism of the show, Jun Wei told me something that had me thinking.

A show that once captured many hearts with the capacity to make many fantasize what could be possible in the story. What are the limitations of the imagination of the Transformers in the minds of those who watched the cartoon back in the 80s. It could go far and beyond as long as the mind is willing and able.

Then the limitation stopped when the movie came out. A teaspoon of 3D effects and a pot of realism with 'cool' garnishing poured into the soup of imagination of 'The Transformers". We saw what the Transformers were capable of. We realised how real it can get. We also know how short it stopped in terms of imagination when we had in our mind the fantastic world of Transformers etched into our minds since young.

Some may like the soup, some do not. I am ok with it because I am more visual and I can accept many things even if it does not live up to the hype. What the show lacked in many elements, covered it with action, explosions and 'cool' mentality as the show is more catered to the current generation who is so engulfed by the things that are 'cool'.

Tuesday: I initially wanted NOT to go to work as I had a morning run earlier. I had no idea why and I simply go to my mum and told her that. She lectured me and told me to go to work immediately. At that time I still did not know why I told her that. I only know that I do not want to go back to the lifestyle that had me crippled for the past 2 - 3 years.

This wake up call had me rejuvenated and I thanked my mother for it. I also thank my Lord that I told my mother about this so she could lecture me. Strange huh? It was also on the same day that I got a call to go for an interview. I was excited and do not want this chance to go to waste.

Wednesday: I went to the interview and had a pretty lenghtly session with the interviewer. He almost had me convinced that I could contribute to the company as its a small but growing company. I could become a member who helped the company grow significantly.

As excited as I was, I saw an old lady sitting outside those shophouses selling fruits and vegetables and I felt pain in my heart. "Why is she there working? She must have been in her 80s! What made her still work at this age!? What are her children doing? Does she have any???" So many questions, so many emotions.

Then I realised this: no matter how much I am tempted by the roses at the road side, I should remain focused on the road ahead. That road ahead is whereby I study to become a social worker and do my part for the people in this society before I move on to the higher aspiration, which is becoming a lecturer specialising in teaching aspiring social workers on social science and social studies.

Thursday: I had another interview and it is at one end of Changi. I went there and stopped at Airport road, thinking the place is inside. I saw a 'Police Pass Office' and felt something was not right. I could not see the building I was supposed to go. I enquire around and found that its not here. I called the interviewer and asked her how to go. I was late at that time. In the end I took the bus, thinking it could lead me further down the road.

The bus took me back to where I came from! I thought maybe its somewhere along the trip. I still see none. I was 20 minutes late! So as the norm goes, I took a taxi. Even the driver had to search the directory to find the location. It was then when he drove to the place did I realised that the location was even further behind than Airport road. Man... its so isolated! A shutter bus was needed to get in and out.

I went to the building, exchanged a pass (this time the correct one) and went to for the interview. She told me about the job scope and stuffs. I asked about the details of certain tasks and how to rearrange time should I go for further studies. Basically we came to an agreement and she more or less expected me to agree to accepting this job. I ask for a few days to decide between the 2 jobs. I would give them an answer on next monday (which was this monday).

1 have lesser pay, the other is far off from my home. 1 involves travelling around SG, the other most likely include tons of OTs and deadlines to meet. I was confused over this 2 choices so I asked for comments. Many pointed me to the 2nd one because its a more reputable company and more in line towards what I could learn which benefit me in the future. Not to mention higher pay.

Friday was a 'rest' day for me as there was not much of an 'adventure' in that day.

Saturday: I went for the 2nd blood donation. Hah! This time, under the pressing commands of my mother, I asked for more iron tablets. I also came to realise why I always finished my donation faster than Han Yew. We are of different weight and the heavier people gets to donate more, thus slower to finish. Ooooooh...

In any case its another fun session in blood donating. At night, I had to fetch my brother from school because his primary 5 corhort attended the NE of NDP. I waited and waited, saw the buses entered 1 by 1. They had some sort of a last warcry before 'officially' ended and I found him before bringing him out of the school.

We waited for a taxi for quite a while. I told my brother that if I had a car, I would have left by now. He told me if you have the money 1st, then you get a car. Frankly speaking, having the money is useless if I have no LICENSE!!! Oh well... we still got into a taxi after a long wait. I found out my brother had a knack for starting a sentence with "No" if my comments were not in line with his. So I basically took my bible and slap his thigh whenever he said that.

Am I supposed to use the bible to do that? O_o No I don't think so... Hmm.............

Ok, this is a long entry and its not even the one I wanted to put in. Nontheless its something I put so I could read back and reflect on the many things that happened during the week.

Crying

What is crying? Why do we cry? Does crying always associate with sadness and pain? How can we tell if the person is crying out of happiness or pain inside?

I took a bus back home today. Saw a toddler talking to her family while standing and the bus took a jerk forward and she fell down. She cried as a result and rather loud too, I might add. As I was watching the 'awkward' situation from a corner as her father helped her up, it made me ponder as I see her cry.

We cry because we are in pain. We cry because we are hurting inside our heart. We cry simply because its one of the most effective ways to vent out deep unhappiness in us.

Is it sand that threw itself into our eyes that caused tears to form and well up in our eyes? Or we cry so as to purge any possible toxin that coagulate in our eyes and subsequently wash our eyes? Or maybe we cry because we are just plain emotional?

When we see a couple on the aisle exchanging vows of marriage or a newborn baby, even graduation of the young adult, we can somehow see a few individuals, mostly the mother or close relative, shed tears. Normally we dismiss it off as tears of happiness and joy.

Can you imagine seeing a new life, or years of grooming come to fruition or even seeing your child tying the knot makes you so happy and felt joy that mere words could not even describe that, tears are the best way to express that feeling.

Is that really the case? Seeing a newborn coming into the world of treachery, betrayal, mistrust and others. Or seeing that the young graduate is now about to face the REAL world, not under the shelter of the parents anymore. Seeing the married couple is now going to face new challenges and issues they could never imagine possible or happening to them. Does the crying kin subsconsciously know what it will be like or is there more? Perhaps a mixture of happiness and sadness?

We fall down and blood trickles from the knee, we cry. We got caned by our mothers and made to kneel, we cry. We get ridiculed by friends or peers, we cry. We felt injustice as the teachers blamed us for something we did not do, we cry. We broke up with our dates, we cry. Our kins or friends passed away, we cry. A heated arguement with our family, we cry alone. Years of pain and fustration bottled up into us, we find a place and cry.

So many things to make us cry. Its an innate ability since coming out from our mothers' womb. Its so natural and easy to do. Babies cry when they are hungry, uncomfortable or wanted attention. Kids cry when they are bullied, hurt or unable to get what they wanted. Teenagers cry when they break up, get maligned or couldn't make the grade. Adults cry when they felt helpless, lost or fustrated.

However, I left out the question on 'What is crying'.

Is crying a way to ease tension and pain? Perhaps its really to wash the toxin away? Or maybe there really is no reason to answer what exactly is crying.

I only know this: Crying is a gift.

When you are misunderstood, bullied, tortured or anything that hurts you, anger is there. Loss of rational thinking is inevitable. Maybe you will plot some sort of revenge or just try to direct the negative emotions to your own benefit. When all these are gone and done with, all that is left are the pain and sorrow that are not dealt with. What was earlier done could not justify or even soothe the pain that is in you.

What can you do?

You cry.

Walking with Jesus daily

Ever since the last post, I have spent the time experiencing different things. Issues, situations, emotions, feelings and sun burn on partial body... A fruitful time I might say, even though not all are nice and sweet.

U-Bash! As how they named this event, its basically the 'whole' unit get together during this time to know more about one another, have fun and build further relationships between one another. Its one of the days when I really enjoyed alot. Never have I felt such powerful 'family'-oriented bondship besides my own family, my relationship with my neighbours in the past and my close buddies. This event gave me alot of meaning and made me felt truely ALIVE. It also somewhat gave me an insight of what Heaven would be like when I finally finish my time here on Earth.

Continuing looking for work! As I have still not got a successful job, I was doing what I can to set plans for my goals. Teaching is what I want, but there is one time where I lost sight of this goal. It made me think alot and and consider alternatives like getting a job in other sectors. However the most important thing at that time is due to the odd occurance of FORGETTING my goal, I have very nearly compromised my whole plan as I was very concerned about financial issues and my mother, mostly. My mother has hinted to me she wanted to retire from working and rest at home. That had me re-considering the whole plan I had and I had a good talk with a few brothers about this. I was still unsure if this was the correct route I should go as I know God paved this road for me but I put my faith in Him and trusted Him.

Sports Meet! The event was announced to the whole sub-D a few weeks before and we have only a month to set up everything for the event. It falls in the period of the Chinese new year, so basically we ran short on time. However I learnt alot of things in this event. I knew more brothers and sisters closer than before and I felt a real tangible sense of belonging (What I see in Heaven that is). Its so great and so immense, that I do not want to lose sight, hearing, touch, feel, smell and sense of it.

The event itself was even greater, even when the games were not exactly going to plan, the basic objective was met and with rather great effect: that is fun. A few short hours to me was like many years of friendship and relationship being fostered in that space of time. I got closer to everyone in the sub-D (even those who were not there that day were included) and this was one of those what God has promised me when I first received Christ. Call me selfish, but that is what I can see and feel: how I can be so sure I am fostering better relationship with them is because there is Christ in their hearts and souls just as mine and it is He who is at work to bind us closer every moment. I don't mind getting 'baked' if I can build up more and better relationships with the people around me.

Courtship! On sunday, Hua Qiang and Sarah announced their official courtship. It was a joyous occasion for us and with many reasons. They are the 'pioneer' couple in our sub-D (This gives hope to many of our brothers), once again God is the match-maker (Amen!) and I don't really know why, but I just generally felt great joy for them. I don't really feel any envy or jealousy, just a broad grin whole day long. =D

Prayer and fasting! This is something I am still working on. I have been in it for 2 weeks, and many times I did not pray that much while I fast, or after the fasting period. Neither did I read much of the Bible too. Something I must change indeed. Still this period made me think through alot of things, all illustrated above and somehow my relationship with God grew stronger even if its a little bit.

There are still so many things I have yet to do. I am working towards it as I am typing and someday I will see it all come to fruition. No matter what happens, I know I am walking besides Jesus towards the end goal of my life. ^_^

Reflection

Looking back at 2006, it was a year of two opposites.

One: my life was a complete wreck. Wreck in a sense that I really have no idea what I want. I get disappointed easily and laziness crept into me like an earth worm back into the soil. I was not motivated to do what was urgent and important to me. I was lost.

Two: I met Jesus. He introduced me to God. I confessed my sins, asked for forgiveness and put my life into his hands. I had a new life, things started to unfold right infront of me. I have new friends, I had a job. My life was back in track, but most of all, I found a purpose. That is to live a life of a Christian.

I thought I was living a great life. That was until I quit my last job in search of a profession into the social work and counselling. I somehow felt I was slowly but gradually creeping back into the situation where I was before I met Him. Wreck... complete wreck. I do not want that... AGAIN.

Unfortunately it did happened, I was "slacking" at home for much of the period. I was trying to figure out why am I back in this situation? A trial given by God? Am I to face what I fear and overcome it? Didn't I gone through this before and "conquer" it? I thought so but apparently no.

I had a hard time dealing with this and the people around me can see it. The situation was further aggravated by the issue my mum had with my dad. Possibly because of the stress they both are facing, but they had a hard time trying to figure each other out.

I told this to a few of the people close to me and I got some feedback:

1: Lack of motivation. Its the most obvious thing since I mentioned it firsthand to them. I found it hard to get things going from the starting point. Get me into the race and I can finish it definately, but I do not know how to get into the race on my own.

2: Sliding away from God, Christ and the Holy Spirit. I read less and less of the bible after I quit my work. It seemed to have quite a big impact on me, really. I remember from this passage "John 4:14 - whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.", how true is that. When I read the bible, I learnt so many things and I get some kind of "refilling" (Its actually from the Holy Spirit) everytime to face the outside world and everything. When I stopped reading for a prolonged period, I felt drained.

3: Goals in my life. I am a perfectionist. What I see in the "end product" is very beautiful and very near perfect from my point of view, BUT to get there is another matter. A small blemish along the way and I may have to scrap the whole thing. I may have also set my goals too far. SO far that it seemed my "energy" was not enough to sustain me all the way to there, thus the implementation of short and middle term goals.

Come to think of it, I really am stuck in this point of my life. I was down and could hardly make a joke. Even last sunday's praise and worship, which is a time for me to do my praise and worshipping to God, was a passing moment to me. I could not focus well and I failed God. I was miserable and negative. Strangely though, it was also during this point I think alot. Considering how much neural activity occured in my brain. XD

Some how I began to feel better. As I browse through the songs I am listening to while onboard the bus, I began playing some old songs I once listened to frequently. Waves of emotions swept through me as I listened to them one by one. Nostalgic as it seemed, it brought back a certain vibrant feeling and energy into me. I began to smile as I listened intently. These songs, dated back to 8 years or so, made me recall some past moments in my life. The last sermon was about putting the past behind and move forward.

I am still figuring out my life, but I am looking forward to the end of this rough patch and gaining much from it as I continue my road as a Christian. I won't be walking alone though... =D