Confusion amidst the calm...

5th August 07 was the last day for the annual Festival of Praise. Marcus brought Jacky & I there early (we reached there at 3pm when the event started at 730pm). Later we were joined by Yeu Ann & Pei Fang as the 5 of us enjoyed the FOP. No mere human language can fully describe the atmostphere & feelings there. It was great! "Now THAT is a concert!" & praise the Lord for that!

What has this got to do with what I am about to write? Well... walking a life of a Christian is never easy. Many people could not keep up with all the 'rules & regulations' that comes with being a Christian. I, for one, struggled to cope with the everyday issues and temptations as I walk closer to God day by day. 'Confusion' is the main topic in recent period.

Human beings have emotions, I am no exception. In fact I think I am much more emotional than a typical guy (maybe over sensitive and over reacting...) and I tend to think of things which are beyond my control. I just could not help it. As I began the week after the FOP with renewed faith and hope, I battled the daily mundane issues that appeared infront of me with ease as I know my source of solace & comfort comes from Him alone. However, all these have changed when a friend sms me.

"Hey, may I ask is there a verse or smth that is quoted in the Bible that dictates that a christian should not marry a non-christian?"

What kind of an answer do you want actually? There is no way you can fully grasp the meaning as long as you never get to know Him at an intimate level or even let Christ into your heart. I have asked Peter & Jun Wei for advise and they told me, "No matter what, never freak out and always be sensitive towards him."

The funniest thing is: this is not the major issue at hand, though its the first one... (Now I understand even better what is snowballing effect...)

Last saturday was the day where I prepared for the U-bash. A roller blading session with the Unit and basically, everybody had fun despite many never had any experience in blading and as a result a number had injuries. My confusion suddenly just appeared in the middle of the fun. Suddenly I just thought of her and the feelings were strangely more provoking & mind boggling. I thought I had dealt with it in the past, keeping myself in control and doing what I can instead of dwelling in the fantasy and ultimately, despair.

It never occur to anybody how I felt at that time because I don't easily show my feelings unless one is very observant. I myself was not even fully aware of this situation I was in during the whole time except for the occassional silence from me at intervals. I had a wonderful day and even enjoyed a few actions in the new season of EPL!

During my sleep, I was further provoked by the thought of her. I wasn't sure how. I never dreamt about her. Too tired to even think. Maybe I forgot to have a quiet time with God that made my mind & heart wander. It was during the HOP on sunday that I felt the full extent of the situation I was in and how helpless I was in dealing with it.

I could not concentrate. I could hardly or sincerely pray and intercede. I just could not take it. When Peter asked for us to pray for the people around us or even ourselves, I had wanted to pray for a few in mind but I could not focus and I had to pray for myself.

"I pray hard to you Lord that despite the condition I am in, You are with me. I am confused. I could not control myself. I could not get her out of my mind. It just suddenly blown out of proportion. But I know you will help me. I confess of my negligence and lack of faith. I acknowledge that I took her as a major comfort instead of You. I am sorry. My thoughts of her are hindering my relationship with You. I do not know what to do. I cannot think clearly. I ask for your forgiveness & help."

The brothers especially, prayed for me during the HOP and I thanked them for it. Jason, Peter & Yeu Ann. Later I told them what happened to me, how confused I was and how wrongly focused I was. I shared this with them and later to Guang An and Kenny. They told me it is natural of guys when such emotions come. However what guys can do, what I can do is instead of dwelling in those thoughts, I should focus on the positive. How can I be a more godly man and how should I focus my attention on helping the people around me to grow even stronger in faith. Focus on being pure hearted, single minded in the pursuit of God and good intent in helping others.

I never really felt relieved or 'released' but I slowly saw another perspective. I could not tell if its a revelation from God or something I made it out... but I started to make critical assessments of myself. Why was I not ready for a relationship commitment. What issues I have that I could not let go. What was wrong with me?

I could never find an answer, well not that fast anyway, but I continue to seek God because I know He has the answer. As I continue to battle the daily issues of work, life, temptations, sins, thoughts of her, myself, what can happen in the future, the people around me and many others, I will find the peace I always sought ever since young. I will find the answer that has eluded me so far. I will find my purpose and role in Christ.

All the answers are with You, my Lord. I only have to ask You.

Today as I left my workplace and boarded the bus, I did not read much of the Bible because of my thought of getting a guitar and playing it. I saw another gift You have given me. The gift of music. Its still early for me to say, but I had come up with a few tunes to sing praises of You, to glorify You. I never wrote down the tunes, for I will know when I can recall or even find better tunes in the future.