Reflection

Looking back at 2006, it was a year of two opposites.

One: my life was a complete wreck. Wreck in a sense that I really have no idea what I want. I get disappointed easily and laziness crept into me like an earth worm back into the soil. I was not motivated to do what was urgent and important to me. I was lost.

Two: I met Jesus. He introduced me to God. I confessed my sins, asked for forgiveness and put my life into his hands. I had a new life, things started to unfold right infront of me. I have new friends, I had a job. My life was back in track, but most of all, I found a purpose. That is to live a life of a Christian.

I thought I was living a great life. That was until I quit my last job in search of a profession into the social work and counselling. I somehow felt I was slowly but gradually creeping back into the situation where I was before I met Him. Wreck... complete wreck. I do not want that... AGAIN.

Unfortunately it did happened, I was "slacking" at home for much of the period. I was trying to figure out why am I back in this situation? A trial given by God? Am I to face what I fear and overcome it? Didn't I gone through this before and "conquer" it? I thought so but apparently no.

I had a hard time dealing with this and the people around me can see it. The situation was further aggravated by the issue my mum had with my dad. Possibly because of the stress they both are facing, but they had a hard time trying to figure each other out.

I told this to a few of the people close to me and I got some feedback:

1: Lack of motivation. Its the most obvious thing since I mentioned it firsthand to them. I found it hard to get things going from the starting point. Get me into the race and I can finish it definately, but I do not know how to get into the race on my own.

2: Sliding away from God, Christ and the Holy Spirit. I read less and less of the bible after I quit my work. It seemed to have quite a big impact on me, really. I remember from this passage "John 4:14 - whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.", how true is that. When I read the bible, I learnt so many things and I get some kind of "refilling" (Its actually from the Holy Spirit) everytime to face the outside world and everything. When I stopped reading for a prolonged period, I felt drained.

3: Goals in my life. I am a perfectionist. What I see in the "end product" is very beautiful and very near perfect from my point of view, BUT to get there is another matter. A small blemish along the way and I may have to scrap the whole thing. I may have also set my goals too far. SO far that it seemed my "energy" was not enough to sustain me all the way to there, thus the implementation of short and middle term goals.

Come to think of it, I really am stuck in this point of my life. I was down and could hardly make a joke. Even last sunday's praise and worship, which is a time for me to do my praise and worshipping to God, was a passing moment to me. I could not focus well and I failed God. I was miserable and negative. Strangely though, it was also during this point I think alot. Considering how much neural activity occured in my brain. XD

Some how I began to feel better. As I browse through the songs I am listening to while onboard the bus, I began playing some old songs I once listened to frequently. Waves of emotions swept through me as I listened to them one by one. Nostalgic as it seemed, it brought back a certain vibrant feeling and energy into me. I began to smile as I listened intently. These songs, dated back to 8 years or so, made me recall some past moments in my life. The last sermon was about putting the past behind and move forward.

I am still figuring out my life, but I am looking forward to the end of this rough patch and gaining much from it as I continue my road as a Christian. I won't be walking alone though... =D