Purpose versus Desire

I still remember when I was young, I told my mother I would get married by age 25. Ever since I passed the 25 mark, my mother never stopped teasing me on this. One advice to the young kids: NEVER promise something to your parents until you are CERTAIN, especially when you get married. Your parents, especially your mother, WILL REMEMBER. XD

Talking about marrying, I have spent a considerable amount of time contemplating the joys and implications of marriage. This is especially so when I became a christian. One fundamental thing I know is that marriage requires commitment. One of the brothers asked this, "What happen if one day you realised you no longer love her?" I know this is debatable, but this is a question deep in our hearts which we cannot ignore.

Now what is the link? I admit: I am interested in someone. I desire a relationship between a man and a woman. I have thought of every possible scenarios, from time to confess, to rejection, to acception, to courtship, to marriage and beyond. I have also considered how to make life exciting from day one. Still I know I have something else to fulfil. Something bigger perhaps and this is where the implication comes in. I owe my life to God. I love Him and I even claimed I would do anything for Him. Now what IF He told me to go to a faraway place and help a destitute community there? What IF He told me NOT to get married? What IF He told me that my life will be subjected to torture and martyrdom?

Ok, seems abit extreme. However I am not ignorant and stupid. Being a christian is more than just "repent and be saved". Being a christian is to spread His Word. His message of the good news that is mentioned in the four gospels. And more often than not, the fellow christians who do that face persecutions, abuse, insults and more... daily if I might add.

I accepted the fact about my heart for the weak, the underdogs, the oppressed. I cannot stand the unjust treatment they get while many rich and powerful figures go about wasting their lives away. I am even preparing myself to serve the under-served, local or abroad. But this begs the question: would the person I fancy support my stance? Would she be prepared to sacrifice for God? Can she take it? Similarily can I support her decisions? Can I make the necessary sacrifices? Can I take it? If any of us cannot, being together as a couple, married or no, will only bring more disputes and pain.

I am sure many who read my above comments would tell me to place it all into God's hand and He will deliver. I do not disagree nor doubt their sincerity behind it, but... let's just say I am very cautious, especially when other people's feelings are at stake here. There are many times when I felt all these are... meaningless. Meaningless when at the end of the day, you have no one to account to for all the things you have done... except God. For a person who do not know Jesus intimately, how can he or she be at peace in the deathbed when reflecting through the things done throughout his or her life?

Ok... off-tracked. The thing is: what is my purpose or rather, what is God's purpose for me? Should I continue to act on my own, I will come to a point when I face the decision either to follow His will or go ahead with my desire. Even if that desire is quite well-intentioned; to be with the person I fancy. Now, I know quite abit on "knowing the person better before deciding if she is the one" and others like, 'clicking on a common purpose'. So I will skip that altogether. Any well intentioned decision may not be the best, but God's purpose is definately NOT the worst.

After so long, I only realised that it was all over imagination on my part. Nothing is set but God has put in motion. Whether He wants me to go or wait, it is in motion. My desire to have a relationship can wait. Whether I am ready or not, He will know. It is all in His timing, His good timing. It's only a matter of: am I able to wait patiently...