It has been a long time since I last went in here. Quite a number of complaints have 'urged' me to do something about the blog. I wondered for a while what should I write to remind myself in the future what did I penned in here. I guess the title should be good enough to start me wondering...
It has been 2+ years since I became a christian. All the while I thought God had things settled for me. Apparantly He had other ideas. Nice~~~ I wonder... What would have happened IF I have never accepted Jesus into my life? Most likely I would still be stuck in the pile of mud or in a pit as I was 4 years back. I would have never understand why am I here. I would have never come to terms with my existence. I would have never cherish myself and the people around me more than I ever did.
When Guang An started the sharing of conversion stories within the CG, I thought, "Have my fervor to share my story with others died down compared to when I first became a christian? Have I became mellowed? Have I became uninterested!?"
I recalled my life as one who had his path laid before him. Primary education, secondary and polytechnic education, national service. I never had to decide what should I choose or make the critical decisions that would change my life. I took things as they come. I still remember quite a number of my friends saw me as a 'happy-go-lucky' kind of guy. I was never in need. I was never disasstisfied. I saw life as simple as it was: to live and let live.
I was well protected from the many harms and temptations that came along the way: drugs, gangsterism, disease, handicap. Yet I was not immune to what is common to the average man: lust, anger, greed, envy, sloth, gluttony and pride. Everyday I face different issues that seem minor to some and huge to others. Yet I somehow survived it eventually.
I could not have made sense of the life I lived after NS back then. Cooping myself in my room, shutting myself away from society, asking the questions I could never find a satisfactory answer afterwards. No work, no income, no confidence, no face, no life, no hope. For 2 years I spent my life wondering in a mess. 2 years have been spent in barren times. I hate that: no meaning, no balance, no sense.
I wonder if it is normal for a typical man to really shut his emotions and assume he needs to tackle EVERY problem on his own? Is it really that embarassing to share his thoughts or emotions to people he trust? Is it really that difficult to open up? I thought so for a time. It wasn't 'man' to do that. Yet man is only man, only human and human is not invincible. Humans do fall. Humans do make mistakes. Humans are mortal.
The pain that was in me, the humiliation that walked side by side with me, the anguish that clinged to me like UHU glue; confusion has led my life at that time and I felt helpless. I wanted so much to scream, to cry, or to the extreme; destroy what I knew as 'humanity' and everything with it. I hated humans, I hated everything they do, but most of all I hated myself.
Rewind back to 2 years before, I made a decision to get out of that shell and face reality. I have no idea how to work things out. I was lagging behind everybody in terms of life progression. I was scared. I knew my friends were concerned about me and they were nice enough not to probe any deeper than I could give because I do not know how to answer them.
I remembered the day when I went to meet a close friend (brother) and before I accepted Christ into my heart. I was hurting, I was lost, I felt like a Windows XP operating system stucked in a 200 MB hard disk drive, waiting to explode. I knew I was an emotional person. As much as I tried to hold back my tears, I could not. For 14 years I did not cry. For 14 years I thought I was a 'man'. For 14 years I was protected like some spoilt kid, unwilling to face the truth that is before him. I felt like letting everything go.
I wanted so much to relinquish my responsibilities as a man, a friend and a son but I could not. I wanted so much to deny myself and go into oblivion but yet I could not. I cannot escape from my responsibilities. I cannot run from what I was meant to do. I cannot hide from the fact that I am alive.
When God forgave me of my sins through Jesus as I repented, I felt lighter. I felt a heavy burden just taken off my shoulders. I did not feel a 180ยบ change but I felt things will turn out better because I believed. Besides I have no one else to turn to at that time anyway... XP
I thought life as a christian would be like a bed of roses, but I left out the part where roses have thorns. It was a struggle as I found many things hard to swallow. There are many issues I could not make sense of or come to terms with. Why must I be righteous all the time? Why do I have to be so caring and serving? Why can't I put down all these? Its very tiring!
I did my part to help and encourage as well, but more than half is out of my own strength and character than through the grace of God. When I saw the brothers and sisters do their part to help and encourage the people around them, it made me wonder where do they find that strength and perseverence? What made them kept going on despite getting nothing in return? Why do they even try so hard when eternal life is awaiting them? I can tell some are doing it to the point of breaking down. Some even did it without knowing why. However they have one thing in common: the belief that God would deliver them and bless them.
The little things that happened to me and around me were very obvious for me to reflect upon. Little by little I realised who I am. Slowly I came to terms with many things I could not agree upon. Surely I am starting to make sense of everything that has happened and how everything fitted in like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. Such a level of awareness was given to me by God after I prayed for it. Woo hoo!
Even as of now, I still struggle with many things. I do not know how can I face it in the meantime but everytime I see Jesus on the cross, I felt the pain. Mainly because that act of crucifixion touched me deeply, personally. He died for people and they (I) do not deserve it. That serves as a somber reminder of my sins that have already been washed away and how his sacrifice can overcome all things that I find it hard to deal with.
Tired... need to sleep...
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Bitterness & Forgiveness
How can I deal with bitterness and residues of bitterness...
Frankly speaking, after all these years I still do not understand how to 'deal' with bitterness besides the obvious answer (through God, that is). I only know that my handling of bitterness is at best 'throwing the trash into the rubbish bin'.
I took a long time to figure out WHY am I holding on to the bitterness I have for those whom I 'hated' or held grudge against. Everytime I am bitter towards somebody, I seem to have different answers but they came from the same root issue - genuine love for them.
If you have no genuine love/feelings for this person, how can you hate them? You do not hate for no reason unless you have nothing to do...
I have had bitterness towards many people in my life: my grandma, my mum, some other friends and even Kin Wee at one point but they are just varying degrees of bitterness and some are very minor compared to the two I mentioned in the previous thread. However non can compare to the bitterness I have for myself.
Many times I keep asking myself, "What the **** am I doing here on this planet?"
I do not score good grades, I cannot play sports very well too, I even felt my playing of video games are only of average standard. Better still, I was never good in time management. I put an unreasonable and unrealistic standard on myself and I always compare with others.
'Why can he score 281 for PSLE!?', 'How did he grow to 1.85m tall?', 'Why can she get $200 for monthly allowance?', 'How come his muscles get bigger and bigger!?', 'Why is he that lucky with girls?', 'How insignificant am I in this population of 6 billion!!!', etc, etc...
I can list all the ikan bilis of comparisons & crap but they are just a result of many factors in me: low self-esteem, small heartedness, inexperienced, pride, expectations, etc, etc...
This is the major reason why I spent 2 barren years wondering what is going on. That is until God found me. He forgave me through Jesus Christ and no matter what, I am glad he did. Now I am learning to forgive myself.
Frankly speaking, after all these years I still do not understand how to 'deal' with bitterness besides the obvious answer (through God, that is). I only know that my handling of bitterness is at best 'throwing the trash into the rubbish bin'.
I took a long time to figure out WHY am I holding on to the bitterness I have for those whom I 'hated' or held grudge against. Everytime I am bitter towards somebody, I seem to have different answers but they came from the same root issue - genuine love for them.
If you have no genuine love/feelings for this person, how can you hate them? You do not hate for no reason unless you have nothing to do...
I have had bitterness towards many people in my life: my grandma, my mum, some other friends and even Kin Wee at one point but they are just varying degrees of bitterness and some are very minor compared to the two I mentioned in the previous thread. However non can compare to the bitterness I have for myself.
Many times I keep asking myself, "What the **** am I doing here on this planet?"
I do not score good grades, I cannot play sports very well too, I even felt my playing of video games are only of average standard. Better still, I was never good in time management. I put an unreasonable and unrealistic standard on myself and I always compare with others.
'Why can he score 281 for PSLE!?', 'How did he grow to 1.85m tall?', 'Why can she get $200 for monthly allowance?', 'How come his muscles get bigger and bigger!?', 'Why is he that lucky with girls?', 'How insignificant am I in this population of 6 billion!!!', etc, etc...
I can list all the ikan bilis of comparisons & crap but they are just a result of many factors in me: low self-esteem, small heartedness, inexperienced, pride, expectations, etc, etc...
This is the major reason why I spent 2 barren years wondering what is going on. That is until God found me. He forgave me through Jesus Christ and no matter what, I am glad he did. Now I am learning to forgive myself.
Personality...?
| You Are An INFP |
 You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world. Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships. It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close. But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop. In love, you tend to have high (and often unrealistic) standards. You are very sensitive. You tend to have intense feelings. At work, you need to do something that expresses your personal values. You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist. How you see yourself: Unselfish, empathetic, and spiritual When other people don't get you, they see you as: Unrealistic, naive, and weak |
Friday, October 19, 2007
Anger
Anger. What is anger? Is anger a necessary emotion? Can anger helps the person? How does anger harms the person?
It has been a long time since I last posted in here. Right now I am feeling blank about what to pen down. Why am I using this issue 'anger' as the topic for this post? I guess it is to serve as a reminder of what I am capable of... What I fear I am capable of...
Anger is another inborn emotion that is with us ever since we were conceived. When we do not get what we want, we are angry. When someone offends us, we are angry. When we cannot agree on mutual terms, we are angry. Getting angry seems so easy, but lets not forget if left unchecked it can cause unimaginable destruction in its path.
In the past I get angry easily. Its just an expression to show how I feel, how I react, how I vent out. Nowadays I am more solemn or rather do not possess the fiery vigor of youth. However I do know I still have that huge fire in me should I blow up. It may be a short while but its definately not desirable from my point of view.
A few days ago, it happened. Even if I do not like it, I chose not to deal with it in the best way possible. My brother was doing things despite my adamant statements not to do it. Bit by bit, the anger ate into me. I could tolerate it for quite a while but his refusal to comply kept coming like waves after waves that build up & finally I could not contain the anger & I released it out the worst possible way I knew. I screamed at him.
In my life I never screamed at my brother the way I did. He was shocked and my mum was not happy as well. I did not explain anything to my mum because I still let my anger control my rational thinking. After a while I cooled down & I felt bad. I felt horrible. I have hurt my brother, upset my mother and worse: I knew more about myself in this manner.
I apologised to my brother and asked for his forgiveness. He forgave me, but I could not forgive myself. I fear all the more when will I blow again. I fear I will one day hurt the people I loved. I fear I will once again give in to anger in the worst way possible.
Is anger something necessary? Why do we need anger when all it does is cloud our judgement most of the time, make our faces red, grow more wrinkles, raise body temperature and others? Ever wonder why steam gushes out when you are boiling water? In scientific terms its a change of state from liquid to gas. The same could be applied to anger (in a way): All the pent up unaddressed issues, suppressed emotions, indignant receivings will transform into violent, exploding reaction. No way to make them disappear that simply.
At times I wonder why God created this emotion called 'anger'. Anger has to be expressed and expressed correctly. Giving in to anger blindly can only cause hurt, hatred and regret. Yet so many people, myself included, has difficulty handling anger correctly.
How does anger helps a person? Is that even possible? I am still searching for an answer regarding this. I know the Bible mention something with regards to this, but I forgot where it is...
We all know how anger can harm a person, be it the angry one or the one being targetted. It hurts the person's pride. It bites at the memory. It scares the mind. It tears at the relationship. It bring out the worst possible character in the person and so much more. All these are possible if anger is not managed well.
I am not happy with this anger of mine, but I do know God revealed it to me for a reason. To make me more aware of this and in the future to learn how to manage it better. Why I say manage? Because control over anger is virtually impossible. Control over any emotion, from what I learnt is not the best way of accounting to oneself. Awareness of anger, management of the emotion, submission of contempt to God. This is what I can do and this is what I will do should this happen again because I know what I am capable of...
It has been a long time since I last posted in here. Right now I am feeling blank about what to pen down. Why am I using this issue 'anger' as the topic for this post? I guess it is to serve as a reminder of what I am capable of... What I fear I am capable of...
Anger is another inborn emotion that is with us ever since we were conceived. When we do not get what we want, we are angry. When someone offends us, we are angry. When we cannot agree on mutual terms, we are angry. Getting angry seems so easy, but lets not forget if left unchecked it can cause unimaginable destruction in its path.
In the past I get angry easily. Its just an expression to show how I feel, how I react, how I vent out. Nowadays I am more solemn or rather do not possess the fiery vigor of youth. However I do know I still have that huge fire in me should I blow up. It may be a short while but its definately not desirable from my point of view.
A few days ago, it happened. Even if I do not like it, I chose not to deal with it in the best way possible. My brother was doing things despite my adamant statements not to do it. Bit by bit, the anger ate into me. I could tolerate it for quite a while but his refusal to comply kept coming like waves after waves that build up & finally I could not contain the anger & I released it out the worst possible way I knew. I screamed at him.
In my life I never screamed at my brother the way I did. He was shocked and my mum was not happy as well. I did not explain anything to my mum because I still let my anger control my rational thinking. After a while I cooled down & I felt bad. I felt horrible. I have hurt my brother, upset my mother and worse: I knew more about myself in this manner.
I apologised to my brother and asked for his forgiveness. He forgave me, but I could not forgive myself. I fear all the more when will I blow again. I fear I will one day hurt the people I loved. I fear I will once again give in to anger in the worst way possible.
Is anger something necessary? Why do we need anger when all it does is cloud our judgement most of the time, make our faces red, grow more wrinkles, raise body temperature and others? Ever wonder why steam gushes out when you are boiling water? In scientific terms its a change of state from liquid to gas. The same could be applied to anger (in a way): All the pent up unaddressed issues, suppressed emotions, indignant receivings will transform into violent, exploding reaction. No way to make them disappear that simply.
At times I wonder why God created this emotion called 'anger'. Anger has to be expressed and expressed correctly. Giving in to anger blindly can only cause hurt, hatred and regret. Yet so many people, myself included, has difficulty handling anger correctly.
How does anger helps a person? Is that even possible? I am still searching for an answer regarding this. I know the Bible mention something with regards to this, but I forgot where it is...
We all know how anger can harm a person, be it the angry one or the one being targetted. It hurts the person's pride. It bites at the memory. It scares the mind. It tears at the relationship. It bring out the worst possible character in the person and so much more. All these are possible if anger is not managed well.
I am not happy with this anger of mine, but I do know God revealed it to me for a reason. To make me more aware of this and in the future to learn how to manage it better. Why I say manage? Because control over anger is virtually impossible. Control over any emotion, from what I learnt is not the best way of accounting to oneself. Awareness of anger, management of the emotion, submission of contempt to God. This is what I can do and this is what I will do should this happen again because I know what I am capable of...
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Confusion amidst the calm...
5th August 07 was the last day for the annual Festival of Praise. Marcus brought Jacky & I there early (we reached there at 3pm when the event started at 730pm). Later we were joined by Yeu Ann & Pei Fang as the 5 of us enjoyed the FOP. No mere human language can fully describe the atmostphere & feelings there. It was great! "Now THAT is a concert!" & praise the Lord for that!
What has this got to do with what I am about to write? Well... walking a life of a Christian is never easy. Many people could not keep up with all the 'rules & regulations' that comes with being a Christian. I, for one, struggled to cope with the everyday issues and temptations as I walk closer to God day by day. 'Confusion' is the main topic in recent period.
Human beings have emotions, I am no exception. In fact I think I am much more emotional than a typical guy (maybe over sensitive and over reacting...) and I tend to think of things which are beyond my control. I just could not help it. As I began the week after the FOP with renewed faith and hope, I battled the daily mundane issues that appeared infront of me with ease as I know my source of solace & comfort comes from Him alone. However, all these have changed when a friend sms me.
"Hey, may I ask is there a verse or smth that is quoted in the Bible that dictates that a christian should not marry a non-christian?"
What kind of an answer do you want actually? There is no way you can fully grasp the meaning as long as you never get to know Him at an intimate level or even let Christ into your heart. I have asked Peter & Jun Wei for advise and they told me, "No matter what, never freak out and always be sensitive towards him."
The funniest thing is: this is not the major issue at hand, though its the first one... (Now I understand even better what is snowballing effect...)
Last saturday was the day where I prepared for the U-bash. A roller blading session with the Unit and basically, everybody had fun despite many never had any experience in blading and as a result a number had injuries. My confusion suddenly just appeared in the middle of the fun. Suddenly I just thought of her and the feelings were strangely more provoking & mind boggling. I thought I had dealt with it in the past, keeping myself in control and doing what I can instead of dwelling in the fantasy and ultimately, despair.
It never occur to anybody how I felt at that time because I don't easily show my feelings unless one is very observant. I myself was not even fully aware of this situation I was in during the whole time except for the occassional silence from me at intervals. I had a wonderful day and even enjoyed a few actions in the new season of EPL!
During my sleep, I was further provoked by the thought of her. I wasn't sure how. I never dreamt about her. Too tired to even think. Maybe I forgot to have a quiet time with God that made my mind & heart wander. It was during the HOP on sunday that I felt the full extent of the situation I was in and how helpless I was in dealing with it.
I could not concentrate. I could hardly or sincerely pray and intercede. I just could not take it. When Peter asked for us to pray for the people around us or even ourselves, I had wanted to pray for a few in mind but I could not focus and I had to pray for myself.
"I pray hard to you Lord that despite the condition I am in, You are with me. I am confused. I could not control myself. I could not get her out of my mind. It just suddenly blown out of proportion. But I know you will help me. I confess of my negligence and lack of faith. I acknowledge that I took her as a major comfort instead of You. I am sorry. My thoughts of her are hindering my relationship with You. I do not know what to do. I cannot think clearly. I ask for your forgiveness & help."
The brothers especially, prayed for me during the HOP and I thanked them for it. Jason, Peter & Yeu Ann. Later I told them what happened to me, how confused I was and how wrongly focused I was. I shared this with them and later to Guang An and Kenny. They told me it is natural of guys when such emotions come. However what guys can do, what I can do is instead of dwelling in those thoughts, I should focus on the positive. How can I be a more godly man and how should I focus my attention on helping the people around me to grow even stronger in faith. Focus on being pure hearted, single minded in the pursuit of God and good intent in helping others.
I never really felt relieved or 'released' but I slowly saw another perspective. I could not tell if its a revelation from God or something I made it out... but I started to make critical assessments of myself. Why was I not ready for a relationship commitment. What issues I have that I could not let go. What was wrong with me?
I could never find an answer, well not that fast anyway, but I continue to seek God because I know He has the answer. As I continue to battle the daily issues of work, life, temptations, sins, thoughts of her, myself, what can happen in the future, the people around me and many others, I will find the peace I always sought ever since young. I will find the answer that has eluded me so far. I will find my purpose and role in Christ.
All the answers are with You, my Lord. I only have to ask You.
Today as I left my workplace and boarded the bus, I did not read much of the Bible because of my thought of getting a guitar and playing it. I saw another gift You have given me. The gift of music. Its still early for me to say, but I had come up with a few tunes to sing praises of You, to glorify You. I never wrote down the tunes, for I will know when I can recall or even find better tunes in the future.
What has this got to do with what I am about to write? Well... walking a life of a Christian is never easy. Many people could not keep up with all the 'rules & regulations' that comes with being a Christian. I, for one, struggled to cope with the everyday issues and temptations as I walk closer to God day by day. 'Confusion' is the main topic in recent period.
Human beings have emotions, I am no exception. In fact I think I am much more emotional than a typical guy (maybe over sensitive and over reacting...) and I tend to think of things which are beyond my control. I just could not help it. As I began the week after the FOP with renewed faith and hope, I battled the daily mundane issues that appeared infront of me with ease as I know my source of solace & comfort comes from Him alone. However, all these have changed when a friend sms me.
"Hey, may I ask is there a verse or smth that is quoted in the Bible that dictates that a christian should not marry a non-christian?"
What kind of an answer do you want actually? There is no way you can fully grasp the meaning as long as you never get to know Him at an intimate level or even let Christ into your heart. I have asked Peter & Jun Wei for advise and they told me, "No matter what, never freak out and always be sensitive towards him."
The funniest thing is: this is not the major issue at hand, though its the first one... (Now I understand even better what is snowballing effect...)
Last saturday was the day where I prepared for the U-bash. A roller blading session with the Unit and basically, everybody had fun despite many never had any experience in blading and as a result a number had injuries. My confusion suddenly just appeared in the middle of the fun. Suddenly I just thought of her and the feelings were strangely more provoking & mind boggling. I thought I had dealt with it in the past, keeping myself in control and doing what I can instead of dwelling in the fantasy and ultimately, despair.
It never occur to anybody how I felt at that time because I don't easily show my feelings unless one is very observant. I myself was not even fully aware of this situation I was in during the whole time except for the occassional silence from me at intervals. I had a wonderful day and even enjoyed a few actions in the new season of EPL!
During my sleep, I was further provoked by the thought of her. I wasn't sure how. I never dreamt about her. Too tired to even think. Maybe I forgot to have a quiet time with God that made my mind & heart wander. It was during the HOP on sunday that I felt the full extent of the situation I was in and how helpless I was in dealing with it.
I could not concentrate. I could hardly or sincerely pray and intercede. I just could not take it. When Peter asked for us to pray for the people around us or even ourselves, I had wanted to pray for a few in mind but I could not focus and I had to pray for myself.
"I pray hard to you Lord that despite the condition I am in, You are with me. I am confused. I could not control myself. I could not get her out of my mind. It just suddenly blown out of proportion. But I know you will help me. I confess of my negligence and lack of faith. I acknowledge that I took her as a major comfort instead of You. I am sorry. My thoughts of her are hindering my relationship with You. I do not know what to do. I cannot think clearly. I ask for your forgiveness & help."
The brothers especially, prayed for me during the HOP and I thanked them for it. Jason, Peter & Yeu Ann. Later I told them what happened to me, how confused I was and how wrongly focused I was. I shared this with them and later to Guang An and Kenny. They told me it is natural of guys when such emotions come. However what guys can do, what I can do is instead of dwelling in those thoughts, I should focus on the positive. How can I be a more godly man and how should I focus my attention on helping the people around me to grow even stronger in faith. Focus on being pure hearted, single minded in the pursuit of God and good intent in helping others.
I never really felt relieved or 'released' but I slowly saw another perspective. I could not tell if its a revelation from God or something I made it out... but I started to make critical assessments of myself. Why was I not ready for a relationship commitment. What issues I have that I could not let go. What was wrong with me?
I could never find an answer, well not that fast anyway, but I continue to seek God because I know He has the answer. As I continue to battle the daily issues of work, life, temptations, sins, thoughts of her, myself, what can happen in the future, the people around me and many others, I will find the peace I always sought ever since young. I will find the answer that has eluded me so far. I will find my purpose and role in Christ.
All the answers are with You, my Lord. I only have to ask You.
Today as I left my workplace and boarded the bus, I did not read much of the Bible because of my thought of getting a guitar and playing it. I saw another gift You have given me. The gift of music. Its still early for me to say, but I had come up with a few tunes to sing praises of You, to glorify You. I never wrote down the tunes, for I will know when I can recall or even find better tunes in the future.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Messy
Initially I do not know what to type in here. I thought of 'basic courtesy', or 'human society'. Perhaps how I found my job? Well... for now I cannot come up with a concrete foundation to write on any of those subjects so I just write down what I can think of at the moment.
Last week was a very interesting week. I was still working as a temp admin where I had 'a repeat watching of a movie', 'a lecture by my mother', '2 interviews', 'a blood donation' and confusion.
Let me start with monday: I watched Transformers with Jun Wei, again. As I marvelled at the 3D digital effects of the transforming mechanized beings and the realism of the show, Jun Wei told me something that had me thinking.
A show that once captured many hearts with the capacity to make many fantasize what could be possible in the story. What are the limitations of the imagination of the Transformers in the minds of those who watched the cartoon back in the 80s. It could go far and beyond as long as the mind is willing and able.
Then the limitation stopped when the movie came out. A teaspoon of 3D effects and a pot of realism with 'cool' garnishing poured into the soup of imagination of 'The Transformers". We saw what the Transformers were capable of. We realised how real it can get. We also know how short it stopped in terms of imagination when we had in our mind the fantastic world of Transformers etched into our minds since young.
Some may like the soup, some do not. I am ok with it because I am more visual and I can accept many things even if it does not live up to the hype. What the show lacked in many elements, covered it with action, explosions and 'cool' mentality as the show is more catered to the current generation who is so engulfed by the things that are 'cool'.
Tuesday: I initially wanted NOT to go to work as I had a morning run earlier. I had no idea why and I simply go to my mum and told her that. She lectured me and told me to go to work immediately. At that time I still did not know why I told her that. I only know that I do not want to go back to the lifestyle that had me crippled for the past 2 - 3 years.
This wake up call had me rejuvenated and I thanked my mother for it. I also thank my Lord that I told my mother about this so she could lecture me. Strange huh? It was also on the same day that I got a call to go for an interview. I was excited and do not want this chance to go to waste.
Wednesday: I went to the interview and had a pretty lenghtly session with the interviewer. He almost had me convinced that I could contribute to the company as its a small but growing company. I could become a member who helped the company grow significantly.
As excited as I was, I saw an old lady sitting outside those shophouses selling fruits and vegetables and I felt pain in my heart. "Why is she there working? She must have been in her 80s! What made her still work at this age!? What are her children doing? Does she have any???" So many questions, so many emotions.
Then I realised this: no matter how much I am tempted by the roses at the road side, I should remain focused on the road ahead. That road ahead is whereby I study to become a social worker and do my part for the people in this society before I move on to the higher aspiration, which is becoming a lecturer specialising in teaching aspiring social workers on social science and social studies.
Thursday: I had another interview and it is at one end of Changi. I went there and stopped at Airport road, thinking the place is inside. I saw a 'Police Pass Office' and felt something was not right. I could not see the building I was supposed to go. I enquire around and found that its not here. I called the interviewer and asked her how to go. I was late at that time. In the end I took the bus, thinking it could lead me further down the road.
The bus took me back to where I came from! I thought maybe its somewhere along the trip. I still see none. I was 20 minutes late! So as the norm goes, I took a taxi. Even the driver had to search the directory to find the location. It was then when he drove to the place did I realised that the location was even further behind than Airport road. Man... its so isolated! A shutter bus was needed to get in and out.
I went to the building, exchanged a pass (this time the correct one) and went to for the interview. She told me about the job scope and stuffs. I asked about the details of certain tasks and how to rearrange time should I go for further studies. Basically we came to an agreement and she more or less expected me to agree to accepting this job. I ask for a few days to decide between the 2 jobs. I would give them an answer on next monday (which was this monday).
1 have lesser pay, the other is far off from my home. 1 involves travelling around SG, the other most likely include tons of OTs and deadlines to meet. I was confused over this 2 choices so I asked for comments. Many pointed me to the 2nd one because its a more reputable company and more in line towards what I could learn which benefit me in the future. Not to mention higher pay.
Friday was a 'rest' day for me as there was not much of an 'adventure' in that day.
Saturday: I went for the 2nd blood donation. Hah! This time, under the pressing commands of my mother, I asked for more iron tablets. I also came to realise why I always finished my donation faster than Han Yew. We are of different weight and the heavier people gets to donate more, thus slower to finish. Ooooooh...
In any case its another fun session in blood donating. At night, I had to fetch my brother from school because his primary 5 corhort attended the NE of NDP. I waited and waited, saw the buses entered 1 by 1. They had some sort of a last warcry before 'officially' ended and I found him before bringing him out of the school.
We waited for a taxi for quite a while. I told my brother that if I had a car, I would have left by now. He told me if you have the money 1st, then you get a car. Frankly speaking, having the money is useless if I have no LICENSE!!! Oh well... we still got into a taxi after a long wait. I found out my brother had a knack for starting a sentence with "No" if my comments were not in line with his. So I basically took my bible and slap his thigh whenever he said that.
Am I supposed to use the bible to do that? O_o No I don't think so... Hmm.............
Ok, this is a long entry and its not even the one I wanted to put in. Nontheless its something I put so I could read back and reflect on the many things that happened during the week.
Last week was a very interesting week. I was still working as a temp admin where I had 'a repeat watching of a movie', 'a lecture by my mother', '2 interviews', 'a blood donation' and confusion.
Let me start with monday: I watched Transformers with Jun Wei, again. As I marvelled at the 3D digital effects of the transforming mechanized beings and the realism of the show, Jun Wei told me something that had me thinking.
A show that once captured many hearts with the capacity to make many fantasize what could be possible in the story. What are the limitations of the imagination of the Transformers in the minds of those who watched the cartoon back in the 80s. It could go far and beyond as long as the mind is willing and able.
Then the limitation stopped when the movie came out. A teaspoon of 3D effects and a pot of realism with 'cool' garnishing poured into the soup of imagination of 'The Transformers". We saw what the Transformers were capable of. We realised how real it can get. We also know how short it stopped in terms of imagination when we had in our mind the fantastic world of Transformers etched into our minds since young.
Some may like the soup, some do not. I am ok with it because I am more visual and I can accept many things even if it does not live up to the hype. What the show lacked in many elements, covered it with action, explosions and 'cool' mentality as the show is more catered to the current generation who is so engulfed by the things that are 'cool'.
Tuesday: I initially wanted NOT to go to work as I had a morning run earlier. I had no idea why and I simply go to my mum and told her that. She lectured me and told me to go to work immediately. At that time I still did not know why I told her that. I only know that I do not want to go back to the lifestyle that had me crippled for the past 2 - 3 years.
This wake up call had me rejuvenated and I thanked my mother for it. I also thank my Lord that I told my mother about this so she could lecture me. Strange huh? It was also on the same day that I got a call to go for an interview. I was excited and do not want this chance to go to waste.
Wednesday: I went to the interview and had a pretty lenghtly session with the interviewer. He almost had me convinced that I could contribute to the company as its a small but growing company. I could become a member who helped the company grow significantly.
As excited as I was, I saw an old lady sitting outside those shophouses selling fruits and vegetables and I felt pain in my heart. "Why is she there working? She must have been in her 80s! What made her still work at this age!? What are her children doing? Does she have any???" So many questions, so many emotions.
Then I realised this: no matter how much I am tempted by the roses at the road side, I should remain focused on the road ahead. That road ahead is whereby I study to become a social worker and do my part for the people in this society before I move on to the higher aspiration, which is becoming a lecturer specialising in teaching aspiring social workers on social science and social studies.
Thursday: I had another interview and it is at one end of Changi. I went there and stopped at Airport road, thinking the place is inside. I saw a 'Police Pass Office' and felt something was not right. I could not see the building I was supposed to go. I enquire around and found that its not here. I called the interviewer and asked her how to go. I was late at that time. In the end I took the bus, thinking it could lead me further down the road.
The bus took me back to where I came from! I thought maybe its somewhere along the trip. I still see none. I was 20 minutes late! So as the norm goes, I took a taxi. Even the driver had to search the directory to find the location. It was then when he drove to the place did I realised that the location was even further behind than Airport road. Man... its so isolated! A shutter bus was needed to get in and out.
I went to the building, exchanged a pass (this time the correct one) and went to for the interview. She told me about the job scope and stuffs. I asked about the details of certain tasks and how to rearrange time should I go for further studies. Basically we came to an agreement and she more or less expected me to agree to accepting this job. I ask for a few days to decide between the 2 jobs. I would give them an answer on next monday (which was this monday).
1 have lesser pay, the other is far off from my home. 1 involves travelling around SG, the other most likely include tons of OTs and deadlines to meet. I was confused over this 2 choices so I asked for comments. Many pointed me to the 2nd one because its a more reputable company and more in line towards what I could learn which benefit me in the future. Not to mention higher pay.
Friday was a 'rest' day for me as there was not much of an 'adventure' in that day.
Saturday: I went for the 2nd blood donation. Hah! This time, under the pressing commands of my mother, I asked for more iron tablets. I also came to realise why I always finished my donation faster than Han Yew. We are of different weight and the heavier people gets to donate more, thus slower to finish. Ooooooh...
In any case its another fun session in blood donating. At night, I had to fetch my brother from school because his primary 5 corhort attended the NE of NDP. I waited and waited, saw the buses entered 1 by 1. They had some sort of a last warcry before 'officially' ended and I found him before bringing him out of the school.
We waited for a taxi for quite a while. I told my brother that if I had a car, I would have left by now. He told me if you have the money 1st, then you get a car. Frankly speaking, having the money is useless if I have no LICENSE!!! Oh well... we still got into a taxi after a long wait. I found out my brother had a knack for starting a sentence with "No" if my comments were not in line with his. So I basically took my bible and slap his thigh whenever he said that.
Am I supposed to use the bible to do that? O_o No I don't think so... Hmm.............
Ok, this is a long entry and its not even the one I wanted to put in. Nontheless its something I put so I could read back and reflect on the many things that happened during the week.
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
Crying
What is crying? Why do we cry? Does crying always associate with sadness and pain? How can we tell if the person is crying out of happiness or pain inside?
I took a bus back home today. Saw a toddler talking to her family while standing and the bus took a jerk forward and she fell down. She cried as a result and rather loud too, I might add. As I was watching the 'awkward' situation from a corner as her father helped her up, it made me ponder as I see her cry.
We cry because we are in pain. We cry because we are hurting inside our heart. We cry simply because its one of the most effective ways to vent out deep unhappiness in us.
Is it sand that threw itself into our eyes that caused tears to form and well up in our eyes? Or we cry so as to purge any possible toxin that coagulate in our eyes and subsequently wash our eyes? Or maybe we cry because we are just plain emotional?
When we see a couple on the aisle exchanging vows of marriage or a newborn baby, even graduation of the young adult, we can somehow see a few individuals, mostly the mother or close relative, shed tears. Normally we dismiss it off as tears of happiness and joy.
Can you imagine seeing a new life, or years of grooming come to fruition or even seeing your child tying the knot makes you so happy and felt joy that mere words could not even describe that, tears are the best way to express that feeling.
Is that really the case? Seeing a newborn coming into the world of treachery, betrayal, mistrust and others. Or seeing that the young graduate is now about to face the REAL world, not under the shelter of the parents anymore. Seeing the married couple is now going to face new challenges and issues they could never imagine possible or happening to them. Does the crying kin subsconsciously know what it will be like or is there more? Perhaps a mixture of happiness and sadness?
We fall down and blood trickles from the knee, we cry. We got caned by our mothers and made to kneel, we cry. We get ridiculed by friends or peers, we cry. We felt injustice as the teachers blamed us for something we did not do, we cry. We broke up with our dates, we cry. Our kins or friends passed away, we cry. A heated arguement with our family, we cry alone. Years of pain and fustration bottled up into us, we find a place and cry.
So many things to make us cry. Its an innate ability since coming out from our mothers' womb. Its so natural and easy to do. Babies cry when they are hungry, uncomfortable or wanted attention. Kids cry when they are bullied, hurt or unable to get what they wanted. Teenagers cry when they break up, get maligned or couldn't make the grade. Adults cry when they felt helpless, lost or fustrated.
However, I left out the question on 'What is crying'.
Is crying a way to ease tension and pain? Perhaps its really to wash the toxin away? Or maybe there really is no reason to answer what exactly is crying.
I only know this: Crying is a gift.
When you are misunderstood, bullied, tortured or anything that hurts you, anger is there. Loss of rational thinking is inevitable. Maybe you will plot some sort of revenge or just try to direct the negative emotions to your own benefit. When all these are gone and done with, all that is left are the pain and sorrow that are not dealt with. What was earlier done could not justify or even soothe the pain that is in you.
What can you do?
You cry.
I took a bus back home today. Saw a toddler talking to her family while standing and the bus took a jerk forward and she fell down. She cried as a result and rather loud too, I might add. As I was watching the 'awkward' situation from a corner as her father helped her up, it made me ponder as I see her cry.
We cry because we are in pain. We cry because we are hurting inside our heart. We cry simply because its one of the most effective ways to vent out deep unhappiness in us.
Is it sand that threw itself into our eyes that caused tears to form and well up in our eyes? Or we cry so as to purge any possible toxin that coagulate in our eyes and subsequently wash our eyes? Or maybe we cry because we are just plain emotional?
When we see a couple on the aisle exchanging vows of marriage or a newborn baby, even graduation of the young adult, we can somehow see a few individuals, mostly the mother or close relative, shed tears. Normally we dismiss it off as tears of happiness and joy.
Can you imagine seeing a new life, or years of grooming come to fruition or even seeing your child tying the knot makes you so happy and felt joy that mere words could not even describe that, tears are the best way to express that feeling.
Is that really the case? Seeing a newborn coming into the world of treachery, betrayal, mistrust and others. Or seeing that the young graduate is now about to face the REAL world, not under the shelter of the parents anymore. Seeing the married couple is now going to face new challenges and issues they could never imagine possible or happening to them. Does the crying kin subsconsciously know what it will be like or is there more? Perhaps a mixture of happiness and sadness?
We fall down and blood trickles from the knee, we cry. We got caned by our mothers and made to kneel, we cry. We get ridiculed by friends or peers, we cry. We felt injustice as the teachers blamed us for something we did not do, we cry. We broke up with our dates, we cry. Our kins or friends passed away, we cry. A heated arguement with our family, we cry alone. Years of pain and fustration bottled up into us, we find a place and cry.
So many things to make us cry. Its an innate ability since coming out from our mothers' womb. Its so natural and easy to do. Babies cry when they are hungry, uncomfortable or wanted attention. Kids cry when they are bullied, hurt or unable to get what they wanted. Teenagers cry when they break up, get maligned or couldn't make the grade. Adults cry when they felt helpless, lost or fustrated.
However, I left out the question on 'What is crying'.
Is crying a way to ease tension and pain? Perhaps its really to wash the toxin away? Or maybe there really is no reason to answer what exactly is crying.
I only know this: Crying is a gift.
When you are misunderstood, bullied, tortured or anything that hurts you, anger is there. Loss of rational thinking is inevitable. Maybe you will plot some sort of revenge or just try to direct the negative emotions to your own benefit. When all these are gone and done with, all that is left are the pain and sorrow that are not dealt with. What was earlier done could not justify or even soothe the pain that is in you.
What can you do?
You cry.
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