Bitterness & Forgiveness

How can I deal with bitterness and residues of bitterness...

Frankly speaking, after all these years I still do not understand how to 'deal' with bitterness besides the obvious answer (through God, that is). I only know that my handling of bitterness is at best 'throwing the trash into the rubbish bin'.

I took a long time to figure out WHY am I holding on to the bitterness I have for those whom I 'hated' or held grudge against. Everytime I am bitter towards somebody, I seem to have different answers but they came from the same root issue - genuine love for them.

If you have no genuine love/feelings for this person, how can you hate them? You do not hate for no reason unless you have nothing to do...

I have had bitterness towards many people in my life: my grandma, my mum, some other friends and even Kin Wee at one point but they are just varying degrees of bitterness and some are very minor compared to the two I mentioned in the previous thread. However non can compare to the bitterness I have for myself.

Many times I keep asking myself, "What the **** am I doing here on this planet?"

I do not score good grades, I cannot play sports very well too, I even felt my playing of video games are only of average standard. Better still, I was never good in time management. I put an unreasonable and unrealistic standard on myself and I always compare with others.

'Why can he score 281 for PSLE!?', 'How did he grow to 1.85m tall?', 'Why can she get $200 for monthly allowance?', 'How come his muscles get bigger and bigger!?', 'Why is he that lucky with girls?', 'How insignificant am I in this population of 6 billion!!!', etc, etc...

I can list all the ikan bilis of comparisons & crap but they are just a result of many factors in me: low self-esteem, small heartedness, inexperienced, pride, expectations, etc, etc...

This is the major reason why I spent 2 barren years wondering what is going on. That is until God found me. He forgave me through Jesus Christ and no matter what, I am glad he did. Now I am learning to forgive myself.

Anger

Anger. What is anger? Is anger a necessary emotion? Can anger helps the person? How does anger harms the person?

It has been a long time since I last posted in here. Right now I am feeling blank about what to pen down. Why am I using this issue 'anger' as the topic for this post? I guess it is to serve as a reminder of what I am capable of... What I fear I am capable of...

Anger is another inborn emotion that is with us ever since we were conceived. When we do not get what we want, we are angry. When someone offends us, we are angry. When we cannot agree on mutual terms, we are angry. Getting angry seems so easy, but lets not forget if left unchecked it can cause unimaginable destruction in its path.

In the past I get angry easily. Its just an expression to show how I feel, how I react, how I vent out. Nowadays I am more solemn or rather do not possess the fiery vigor of youth. However I do know I still have that huge fire in me should I blow up. It may be a short while but its definately not desirable from my point of view.

A few days ago, it happened. Even if I do not like it, I chose not to deal with it in the best way possible. My brother was doing things despite my adamant statements not to do it. Bit by bit, the anger ate into me. I could tolerate it for quite a while but his refusal to comply kept coming like waves after waves that build up & finally I could not contain the anger & I released it out the worst possible way I knew. I screamed at him.

In my life I never screamed at my brother the way I did. He was shocked and my mum was not happy as well. I did not explain anything to my mum because I still let my anger control my rational thinking. After a while I cooled down & I felt bad. I felt horrible. I have hurt my brother, upset my mother and worse: I knew more about myself in this manner.

I apologised to my brother and asked for his forgiveness. He forgave me, but I could not forgive myself. I fear all the more when will I blow again. I fear I will one day hurt the people I loved. I fear I will once again give in to anger in the worst way possible.

Is anger something necessary? Why do we need anger when all it does is cloud our judgement most of the time, make our faces red, grow more wrinkles, raise body temperature and others? Ever wonder why steam gushes out when you are boiling water? In scientific terms its a change of state from liquid to gas. The same could be applied to anger (in a way): All the pent up unaddressed issues, suppressed emotions, indignant receivings will transform into violent, exploding reaction. No way to make them disappear that simply.

At times I wonder why God created this emotion called 'anger'. Anger has to be expressed and expressed correctly. Giving in to anger blindly can only cause hurt, hatred and regret. Yet so many people, myself included, has difficulty handling anger correctly.

How does anger helps a person? Is that even possible? I am still searching for an answer regarding this. I know the Bible mention something with regards to this, but I forgot where it is...

We all know how anger can harm a person, be it the angry one or the one being targetted. It hurts the person's pride. It bites at the memory. It scares the mind. It tears at the relationship. It bring out the worst possible character in the person and so much more. All these are possible if anger is not managed well.

I am not happy with this anger of mine, but I do know God revealed it to me for a reason. To make me more aware of this and in the future to learn how to manage it better. Why I say manage? Because control over anger is virtually impossible. Control over any emotion, from what I learnt is not the best way of accounting to oneself. Awareness of anger, management of the emotion, submission of contempt to God. This is what I can do and this is what I will do should this happen again because I know what I am capable of...

Confusion amidst the calm...

5th August 07 was the last day for the annual Festival of Praise. Marcus brought Jacky & I there early (we reached there at 3pm when the event started at 730pm). Later we were joined by Yeu Ann & Pei Fang as the 5 of us enjoyed the FOP. No mere human language can fully describe the atmostphere & feelings there. It was great! "Now THAT is a concert!" & praise the Lord for that!

What has this got to do with what I am about to write? Well... walking a life of a Christian is never easy. Many people could not keep up with all the 'rules & regulations' that comes with being a Christian. I, for one, struggled to cope with the everyday issues and temptations as I walk closer to God day by day. 'Confusion' is the main topic in recent period.

Human beings have emotions, I am no exception. In fact I think I am much more emotional than a typical guy (maybe over sensitive and over reacting...) and I tend to think of things which are beyond my control. I just could not help it. As I began the week after the FOP with renewed faith and hope, I battled the daily mundane issues that appeared infront of me with ease as I know my source of solace & comfort comes from Him alone. However, all these have changed when a friend sms me.

"Hey, may I ask is there a verse or smth that is quoted in the Bible that dictates that a christian should not marry a non-christian?"

What kind of an answer do you want actually? There is no way you can fully grasp the meaning as long as you never get to know Him at an intimate level or even let Christ into your heart. I have asked Peter & Jun Wei for advise and they told me, "No matter what, never freak out and always be sensitive towards him."

The funniest thing is: this is not the major issue at hand, though its the first one... (Now I understand even better what is snowballing effect...)

Last saturday was the day where I prepared for the U-bash. A roller blading session with the Unit and basically, everybody had fun despite many never had any experience in blading and as a result a number had injuries. My confusion suddenly just appeared in the middle of the fun. Suddenly I just thought of her and the feelings were strangely more provoking & mind boggling. I thought I had dealt with it in the past, keeping myself in control and doing what I can instead of dwelling in the fantasy and ultimately, despair.

It never occur to anybody how I felt at that time because I don't easily show my feelings unless one is very observant. I myself was not even fully aware of this situation I was in during the whole time except for the occassional silence from me at intervals. I had a wonderful day and even enjoyed a few actions in the new season of EPL!

During my sleep, I was further provoked by the thought of her. I wasn't sure how. I never dreamt about her. Too tired to even think. Maybe I forgot to have a quiet time with God that made my mind & heart wander. It was during the HOP on sunday that I felt the full extent of the situation I was in and how helpless I was in dealing with it.

I could not concentrate. I could hardly or sincerely pray and intercede. I just could not take it. When Peter asked for us to pray for the people around us or even ourselves, I had wanted to pray for a few in mind but I could not focus and I had to pray for myself.

"I pray hard to you Lord that despite the condition I am in, You are with me. I am confused. I could not control myself. I could not get her out of my mind. It just suddenly blown out of proportion. But I know you will help me. I confess of my negligence and lack of faith. I acknowledge that I took her as a major comfort instead of You. I am sorry. My thoughts of her are hindering my relationship with You. I do not know what to do. I cannot think clearly. I ask for your forgiveness & help."

The brothers especially, prayed for me during the HOP and I thanked them for it. Jason, Peter & Yeu Ann. Later I told them what happened to me, how confused I was and how wrongly focused I was. I shared this with them and later to Guang An and Kenny. They told me it is natural of guys when such emotions come. However what guys can do, what I can do is instead of dwelling in those thoughts, I should focus on the positive. How can I be a more godly man and how should I focus my attention on helping the people around me to grow even stronger in faith. Focus on being pure hearted, single minded in the pursuit of God and good intent in helping others.

I never really felt relieved or 'released' but I slowly saw another perspective. I could not tell if its a revelation from God or something I made it out... but I started to make critical assessments of myself. Why was I not ready for a relationship commitment. What issues I have that I could not let go. What was wrong with me?

I could never find an answer, well not that fast anyway, but I continue to seek God because I know He has the answer. As I continue to battle the daily issues of work, life, temptations, sins, thoughts of her, myself, what can happen in the future, the people around me and many others, I will find the peace I always sought ever since young. I will find the answer that has eluded me so far. I will find my purpose and role in Christ.

All the answers are with You, my Lord. I only have to ask You.

Today as I left my workplace and boarded the bus, I did not read much of the Bible because of my thought of getting a guitar and playing it. I saw another gift You have given me. The gift of music. Its still early for me to say, but I had come up with a few tunes to sing praises of You, to glorify You. I never wrote down the tunes, for I will know when I can recall or even find better tunes in the future.

Reflection

Looking back at 2006, it was a year of two opposites.

One: my life was a complete wreck. Wreck in a sense that I really have no idea what I want. I get disappointed easily and laziness crept into me like an earth worm back into the soil. I was not motivated to do what was urgent and important to me. I was lost.

Two: I met Jesus. He introduced me to God. I confessed my sins, asked for forgiveness and put my life into his hands. I had a new life, things started to unfold right infront of me. I have new friends, I had a job. My life was back in track, but most of all, I found a purpose. That is to live a life of a Christian.

I thought I was living a great life. That was until I quit my last job in search of a profession into the social work and counselling. I somehow felt I was slowly but gradually creeping back into the situation where I was before I met Him. Wreck... complete wreck. I do not want that... AGAIN.

Unfortunately it did happened, I was "slacking" at home for much of the period. I was trying to figure out why am I back in this situation? A trial given by God? Am I to face what I fear and overcome it? Didn't I gone through this before and "conquer" it? I thought so but apparently no.

I had a hard time dealing with this and the people around me can see it. The situation was further aggravated by the issue my mum had with my dad. Possibly because of the stress they both are facing, but they had a hard time trying to figure each other out.

I told this to a few of the people close to me and I got some feedback:

1: Lack of motivation. Its the most obvious thing since I mentioned it firsthand to them. I found it hard to get things going from the starting point. Get me into the race and I can finish it definately, but I do not know how to get into the race on my own.

2: Sliding away from God, Christ and the Holy Spirit. I read less and less of the bible after I quit my work. It seemed to have quite a big impact on me, really. I remember from this passage "John 4:14 - whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.", how true is that. When I read the bible, I learnt so many things and I get some kind of "refilling" (Its actually from the Holy Spirit) everytime to face the outside world and everything. When I stopped reading for a prolonged period, I felt drained.

3: Goals in my life. I am a perfectionist. What I see in the "end product" is very beautiful and very near perfect from my point of view, BUT to get there is another matter. A small blemish along the way and I may have to scrap the whole thing. I may have also set my goals too far. SO far that it seemed my "energy" was not enough to sustain me all the way to there, thus the implementation of short and middle term goals.

Come to think of it, I really am stuck in this point of my life. I was down and could hardly make a joke. Even last sunday's praise and worship, which is a time for me to do my praise and worshipping to God, was a passing moment to me. I could not focus well and I failed God. I was miserable and negative. Strangely though, it was also during this point I think alot. Considering how much neural activity occured in my brain. XD

Some how I began to feel better. As I browse through the songs I am listening to while onboard the bus, I began playing some old songs I once listened to frequently. Waves of emotions swept through me as I listened to them one by one. Nostalgic as it seemed, it brought back a certain vibrant feeling and energy into me. I began to smile as I listened intently. These songs, dated back to 8 years or so, made me recall some past moments in my life. The last sermon was about putting the past behind and move forward.

I am still figuring out my life, but I am looking forward to the end of this rough patch and gaining much from it as I continue my road as a Christian. I won't be walking alone though... =D