Today I went to East Coast Park: practising guitar and blow some wind... of course the actual reason is to get some suntan... XD As I went to a shelter to practice the guitar strumming, a little girl nearby blow some soap bubbles and these bubbles flew besides me. It was colourful, floating freely as the wind guides along until it burst into the ground.
I kind of enjoyed looking at how the bubbles floated freely. The multi coloured reflection from the bubbles reminded me of the colourful life it must have had. However each bubble only lasted a few seconds. The longest was around ten seconds as it flew quite far before reaching the sandy beach. Seems similar to a man's life...
Even though man can now prolong his lifespan beyond eighty years, he will still have to face the ending of his life journey. No man can can live an unending life in this world. Yet the world still goes on for "God knows how many" years. The history of human still moves on for thousands of years. What is a mere eighty years of life compared to thousands, maybe millions of human years? Isn't it like how short the lifespan of a bubble compared to the entire day you can spend doing whatever you want to do?
Yet, as short as the life of the bubbles seem to have, it displayed its vibrant colour and absolute freedom while it lived. It lived joyfully, attracting bypassers to gaze at its colourful but short life. They give pleasant and wonderful memories to those who see them. As I pondered through these thoughts while looking at the bubbles, I wonder if people would ask questions in their mind: where does the bubbles come from? How did it get such colourful details?
It also reflected on how we, humans, lived our lives. Do we live a colourful life or a colourless life? How has our lives impacted or touched the lives of others? Do we lived fruitfully and at the end of the day we can say, "It is done, I am at peace."? How often have we missed the chances to stay focused on our dreams and make it into a reality? How often have we missed out on opportunities that can define us? How often did we knew we could make an impact and yet let it go by?
Life is short... Seems like almost everybody who claims to be "wise" know this sentence. XD However the crucial part, which defines how you live your life, is this: what are you going to do with this short life of yours? Some took it to the extreme and they are remembered for reasons people hated. Others took it to a different direction and are remembered as role models to follow.
So how do you want to live your life?
Friday, January 1, 2010
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Christmas
29 years of Christmas. Every Christmas spent is a different experience for me. I remember when I was young, Christmas was a magical period. Partly because it was school holiday and I get to watch alot of movies along the way. XD As I grew older, Christmas became more of a holiday to me. So what is it about Christmas that I want to pen down here?
Christmas is a time when people would buy gifts and give it to the people they loved. I definately loved those times when I get a present or more: unwrapping it, scanning the gift and then using it to the fullest. Cherishing it until the next Christmas or till I get bored of it. XP The atmosphere itself was beautiful, especially when I was young, I always get the magical feel in it. It was as if something wonderful was about to happen.
As I grew up, I became more cynical and Christmas was no more than some holiday for me to slack and play. I did not have that magical feel: possibly my heart was closed towards it? I enjoyed nothing of it as I was growing up in an environment no one could share with me the joys of celebrating Christmas. I sort of grew cold towards it.
It was only when I got into contact with the Clementi gang in my late teens (Ah Mun, Denan, Jun Wei, Wei Yao and me) that I once again got back into the magical mood whenever Christmas was near. We would meet together and celebrate Christmas, mostly staying over in Wei Yao's place. Exchanging gifts and having fun, it was good times with friends I cherished.
Then when I became a christian, Christmas holds a new meaning to me. The greatest gift ever presented to me and everyone else: Jesus Christ, from God himself! When you realised that all you have known, all that you stood for, all that you believed, based on human or worldly standards, do not tally with what is right in your heart and you know it deep inside, you know that there is no real human standards to follow because all standards that human made can be misused and misinterpreted. God's standard is the only absolute: this means this, that means that. No hidden message inbetween to second guess.
Have you ever wondered why many people look forward to Christmas? Have you ever thought it would be nice if someone gave you a gift without you having to return the favour? Have you ever wished something miraculous would happen? It all happened, and his name is Christ. Thus Christmas. This magical feeling is not there for nothing, you realised that?
Sometimes I wonder will I be able to enjoy this magical feeling again considering I am no longer a child. I believe so: every child in us wants this and this will be made possible if we allow the child in us to express the childlike joy and anticipation of Christmas. I know many people would rather keep the inner child in them because they think they should be full adults in this sense, aka cynical. That is where I think they are not happy many times, because they think it is childish and people will look at them in a different light. Oh yes, people WILL look in a different light: a light that can tell the joy in life and one they will ask "Why can't I have it?".
As long as you go with the "flow" that says "we are too old for Christmas" or "I am an adult. I have no need to celebrate it in this manner", you will never get to enjoy Christmas for what it is: a joy and a gift. For once, break free from the common worldly saying and embrace the inner child in you. Give the inner child a chance to express joy and gladness during Christmas. That is one of the first step to embracing who you really are and where to seek true joy and peace.
Ok... I have difficulty uploading a video here. So might as well post the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wuG1XSihf0I
The song is titled "We are the reason" by Avalon. It is a song aptly chosen to tell us the greatest gift given to us during the first Christmas in human history. Enjoy. ^___^
Christmas is a time when people would buy gifts and give it to the people they loved. I definately loved those times when I get a present or more: unwrapping it, scanning the gift and then using it to the fullest. Cherishing it until the next Christmas or till I get bored of it. XP The atmosphere itself was beautiful, especially when I was young, I always get the magical feel in it. It was as if something wonderful was about to happen.
As I grew up, I became more cynical and Christmas was no more than some holiday for me to slack and play. I did not have that magical feel: possibly my heart was closed towards it? I enjoyed nothing of it as I was growing up in an environment no one could share with me the joys of celebrating Christmas. I sort of grew cold towards it.
It was only when I got into contact with the Clementi gang in my late teens (Ah Mun, Denan, Jun Wei, Wei Yao and me) that I once again got back into the magical mood whenever Christmas was near. We would meet together and celebrate Christmas, mostly staying over in Wei Yao's place. Exchanging gifts and having fun, it was good times with friends I cherished.
Then when I became a christian, Christmas holds a new meaning to me. The greatest gift ever presented to me and everyone else: Jesus Christ, from God himself! When you realised that all you have known, all that you stood for, all that you believed, based on human or worldly standards, do not tally with what is right in your heart and you know it deep inside, you know that there is no real human standards to follow because all standards that human made can be misused and misinterpreted. God's standard is the only absolute: this means this, that means that. No hidden message inbetween to second guess.
Have you ever wondered why many people look forward to Christmas? Have you ever thought it would be nice if someone gave you a gift without you having to return the favour? Have you ever wished something miraculous would happen? It all happened, and his name is Christ. Thus Christmas. This magical feeling is not there for nothing, you realised that?
Sometimes I wonder will I be able to enjoy this magical feeling again considering I am no longer a child. I believe so: every child in us wants this and this will be made possible if we allow the child in us to express the childlike joy and anticipation of Christmas. I know many people would rather keep the inner child in them because they think they should be full adults in this sense, aka cynical. That is where I think they are not happy many times, because they think it is childish and people will look at them in a different light. Oh yes, people WILL look in a different light: a light that can tell the joy in life and one they will ask "Why can't I have it?".
As long as you go with the "flow" that says "we are too old for Christmas" or "I am an adult. I have no need to celebrate it in this manner", you will never get to enjoy Christmas for what it is: a joy and a gift. For once, break free from the common worldly saying and embrace the inner child in you. Give the inner child a chance to express joy and gladness during Christmas. That is one of the first step to embracing who you really are and where to seek true joy and peace.
Ok... I have difficulty uploading a video here. So might as well post the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wuG1XSihf0I
The song is titled "We are the reason" by Avalon. It is a song aptly chosen to tell us the greatest gift given to us during the first Christmas in human history. Enjoy. ^___^
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Purpose versus Desire
I still remember when I was young, I told my mother I would get married by age 25. Ever since I passed the 25 mark, my mother never stopped teasing me on this. One advice to the young kids: NEVER promise something to your parents until you are CERTAIN, especially when you get married. Your parents, especially your mother, WILL REMEMBER. XD
Talking about marrying, I have spent a considerable amount of time contemplating the joys and implications of marriage. This is especially so when I became a christian. One fundamental thing I know is that marriage requires commitment. One of the brothers asked this, "What happen if one day you realised you no longer love her?" I know this is debatable, but this is a question deep in our hearts which we cannot ignore.
Now what is the link? I admit: I am interested in someone. I desire a relationship between a man and a woman. I have thought of every possible scenarios, from time to confess, to rejection, to acception, to courtship, to marriage and beyond. I have also considered how to make life exciting from day one. Still I know I have something else to fulfil. Something bigger perhaps and this is where the implication comes in. I owe my life to God. I love Him and I even claimed I would do anything for Him. Now what IF He told me to go to a faraway place and help a destitute community there? What IF He told me NOT to get married? What IF He told me that my life will be subjected to torture and martyrdom?
Ok, seems abit extreme. However I am not ignorant and stupid. Being a christian is more than just "repent and be saved". Being a christian is to spread His Word. His message of the good news that is mentioned in the four gospels. And more often than not, the fellow christians who do that face persecutions, abuse, insults and more... daily if I might add.
I accepted the fact about my heart for the weak, the underdogs, the oppressed. I cannot stand the unjust treatment they get while many rich and powerful figures go about wasting their lives away. I am even preparing myself to serve the under-served, local or abroad. But this begs the question: would the person I fancy support my stance? Would she be prepared to sacrifice for God? Can she take it? Similarily can I support her decisions? Can I make the necessary sacrifices? Can I take it? If any of us cannot, being together as a couple, married or no, will only bring more disputes and pain.
I am sure many who read my above comments would tell me to place it all into God's hand and He will deliver. I do not disagree nor doubt their sincerity behind it, but... let's just say I am very cautious, especially when other people's feelings are at stake here. There are many times when I felt all these are... meaningless. Meaningless when at the end of the day, you have no one to account to for all the things you have done... except God. For a person who do not know Jesus intimately, how can he or she be at peace in the deathbed when reflecting through the things done throughout his or her life?
Ok... off-tracked. The thing is: what is my purpose or rather, what is God's purpose for me? Should I continue to act on my own, I will come to a point when I face the decision either to follow His will or go ahead with my desire. Even if that desire is quite well-intentioned; to be with the person I fancy. Now, I know quite abit on "knowing the person better before deciding if she is the one" and others like, 'clicking on a common purpose'. So I will skip that altogether. Any well intentioned decision may not be the best, but God's purpose is definately NOT the worst.
After so long, I only realised that it was all over imagination on my part. Nothing is set but God has put in motion. Whether He wants me to go or wait, it is in motion. My desire to have a relationship can wait. Whether I am ready or not, He will know. It is all in His timing, His good timing. It's only a matter of: am I able to wait patiently...
Talking about marrying, I have spent a considerable amount of time contemplating the joys and implications of marriage. This is especially so when I became a christian. One fundamental thing I know is that marriage requires commitment. One of the brothers asked this, "What happen if one day you realised you no longer love her?" I know this is debatable, but this is a question deep in our hearts which we cannot ignore.
Now what is the link? I admit: I am interested in someone. I desire a relationship between a man and a woman. I have thought of every possible scenarios, from time to confess, to rejection, to acception, to courtship, to marriage and beyond. I have also considered how to make life exciting from day one. Still I know I have something else to fulfil. Something bigger perhaps and this is where the implication comes in. I owe my life to God. I love Him and I even claimed I would do anything for Him. Now what IF He told me to go to a faraway place and help a destitute community there? What IF He told me NOT to get married? What IF He told me that my life will be subjected to torture and martyrdom?
Ok, seems abit extreme. However I am not ignorant and stupid. Being a christian is more than just "repent and be saved". Being a christian is to spread His Word. His message of the good news that is mentioned in the four gospels. And more often than not, the fellow christians who do that face persecutions, abuse, insults and more... daily if I might add.
I accepted the fact about my heart for the weak, the underdogs, the oppressed. I cannot stand the unjust treatment they get while many rich and powerful figures go about wasting their lives away. I am even preparing myself to serve the under-served, local or abroad. But this begs the question: would the person I fancy support my stance? Would she be prepared to sacrifice for God? Can she take it? Similarily can I support her decisions? Can I make the necessary sacrifices? Can I take it? If any of us cannot, being together as a couple, married or no, will only bring more disputes and pain.
I am sure many who read my above comments would tell me to place it all into God's hand and He will deliver. I do not disagree nor doubt their sincerity behind it, but... let's just say I am very cautious, especially when other people's feelings are at stake here. There are many times when I felt all these are... meaningless. Meaningless when at the end of the day, you have no one to account to for all the things you have done... except God. For a person who do not know Jesus intimately, how can he or she be at peace in the deathbed when reflecting through the things done throughout his or her life?
Ok... off-tracked. The thing is: what is my purpose or rather, what is God's purpose for me? Should I continue to act on my own, I will come to a point when I face the decision either to follow His will or go ahead with my desire. Even if that desire is quite well-intentioned; to be with the person I fancy. Now, I know quite abit on "knowing the person better before deciding if she is the one" and others like, 'clicking on a common purpose'. So I will skip that altogether. Any well intentioned decision may not be the best, but God's purpose is definately NOT the worst.
After so long, I only realised that it was all over imagination on my part. Nothing is set but God has put in motion. Whether He wants me to go or wait, it is in motion. My desire to have a relationship can wait. Whether I am ready or not, He will know. It is all in His timing, His good timing. It's only a matter of: am I able to wait patiently...
Saturday, April 25, 2009
The Cross
Rarely do I get a chance to spend time alone with God deliberately. Work, studies coupled with other commitments do not grant me the luxury to have time for myself, let alone spend time with other people. Still, there is one issue I wanted to address with God personally. The cross.
Many times I do not understand why I have the tendency to cry when I see the cross where Jesus was hung there. For a while I thought it was a man (God) who do not deserve to be there and yet he did what he was supposed to do: to fulfil what his Father told him and die as a sin sacrifice for all of us. Still that does not answer the question why I cry when I see the cross.
Many times I do not understand why I cry so easily. Being emotional is one thing. Being aware and yet feel overwhelmed by the helplessness is another. Being painfully aware of what I have missed is yet another thing. Knowing what I have gained and lost is also another thing.
When I saw Jesus hung on the cross, it hurts me... more than I could ever bear... Have you ever saw a friend of yours got hurt protecting you? Have you ever got into a situation whereby a buddy paid the penalty for you? Have you ever witness a colleague took the arrows for you? If you do, then consider yourself blessed because more often than not, you do not deserved it and you know it. Through this "pain", I could see the emotions that transpired between the Holy Father that is God and Jesus, the son of God.
"This is painful, but necessary. My love for them (humans) knows no bound but sin is too deep in them. This hurts me more but it is necessary..."
This seems to be God's message to Jesus from how I felt it. I do not know what exactly happened but my heart told me that much because my heart hurts. My heart hurts because at that point of cruxification, I thought I lost a teacher, a leader and a friend when I wasn't ready. Mind you, we all know what happens next after the 3rd day but that is not the point. The point is the awareness that a person was pinned on the cross because he was willing to take ALL the sin told me how unworthy I was. The unworthy me was yelling, "Why are you doing all these, knowing the pain and agony? Knowing I am not worth it?"
He answered, "Because I love you."
Now, this is no advertisement. It is real to me. I can tell you one thing: I spent a long time crying over this. I spent a long time figuring out what can I do about it. I spent a long time talking to Jesus why I felt this way. Sometimes I wonder what is the link between my name, Jason, and what I've experienced. "Jason" is a greek name that means: "one who heals" or a "healer". The funny thing is I spent a long time trying to heal myself. XD
Have I found an answer from God that answers my question? Not yet, but I did have progression during my time with Him alone. I somewhat see there is a bigger picture to what I have gone through. Perhaps someone out there felt the same as me but is still baffled. I am one step ahead, I guess. Maybe I can tell the person that.
I always thought that everyone has an emotional or spiritual "hole" in his or her heart and God can fill that hole, but in this case, it is more than that. It is more than just being whole in God. Perhaps this was what I was designed to do; understanding how my personal life is linked with what God has planned ahead and doing something about it. Showcase my life to others? Maybe. Advocate for others because of what I know? Perhaps. Taking that first step among others to live my life genuinely for God? I don't deny that.
How I wish everyone saw what I saw through the cross. Then again it may not be a good idea for not everyone can bear this. Perhaps this song can help to illustrate better what I am trying to say.
The song is titled "Why" by Nicole Nordeman, with the video made by HOPE Singapore.
Many times I do not understand why I have the tendency to cry when I see the cross where Jesus was hung there. For a while I thought it was a man (God) who do not deserve to be there and yet he did what he was supposed to do: to fulfil what his Father told him and die as a sin sacrifice for all of us. Still that does not answer the question why I cry when I see the cross.
Many times I do not understand why I cry so easily. Being emotional is one thing. Being aware and yet feel overwhelmed by the helplessness is another. Being painfully aware of what I have missed is yet another thing. Knowing what I have gained and lost is also another thing.
When I saw Jesus hung on the cross, it hurts me... more than I could ever bear... Have you ever saw a friend of yours got hurt protecting you? Have you ever got into a situation whereby a buddy paid the penalty for you? Have you ever witness a colleague took the arrows for you? If you do, then consider yourself blessed because more often than not, you do not deserved it and you know it. Through this "pain", I could see the emotions that transpired between the Holy Father that is God and Jesus, the son of God.
"This is painful, but necessary. My love for them (humans) knows no bound but sin is too deep in them. This hurts me more but it is necessary..."
This seems to be God's message to Jesus from how I felt it. I do not know what exactly happened but my heart told me that much because my heart hurts. My heart hurts because at that point of cruxification, I thought I lost a teacher, a leader and a friend when I wasn't ready. Mind you, we all know what happens next after the 3rd day but that is not the point. The point is the awareness that a person was pinned on the cross because he was willing to take ALL the sin told me how unworthy I was. The unworthy me was yelling, "Why are you doing all these, knowing the pain and agony? Knowing I am not worth it?"
He answered, "Because I love you."
Now, this is no advertisement. It is real to me. I can tell you one thing: I spent a long time crying over this. I spent a long time figuring out what can I do about it. I spent a long time talking to Jesus why I felt this way. Sometimes I wonder what is the link between my name, Jason, and what I've experienced. "Jason" is a greek name that means: "one who heals" or a "healer". The funny thing is I spent a long time trying to heal myself. XD
Have I found an answer from God that answers my question? Not yet, but I did have progression during my time with Him alone. I somewhat see there is a bigger picture to what I have gone through. Perhaps someone out there felt the same as me but is still baffled. I am one step ahead, I guess. Maybe I can tell the person that.
I always thought that everyone has an emotional or spiritual "hole" in his or her heart and God can fill that hole, but in this case, it is more than that. It is more than just being whole in God. Perhaps this was what I was designed to do; understanding how my personal life is linked with what God has planned ahead and doing something about it. Showcase my life to others? Maybe. Advocate for others because of what I know? Perhaps. Taking that first step among others to live my life genuinely for God? I don't deny that.
How I wish everyone saw what I saw through the cross. Then again it may not be a good idea for not everyone can bear this. Perhaps this song can help to illustrate better what I am trying to say.
The song is titled "Why" by Nicole Nordeman, with the video made by HOPE Singapore.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
The struggles within...
It has been a long time since I last went in here. Quite a number of complaints have 'urged' me to do something about the blog. I wondered for a while what should I write to remind myself in the future what did I penned in here. I guess the title should be good enough to start me wondering...
It has been 2+ years since I became a christian. All the while I thought God had things settled for me. Apparantly He had other ideas. Nice~~~ I wonder... What would have happened IF I have never accepted Jesus into my life? Most likely I would still be stuck in the pile of mud or in a pit as I was 4 years back. I would have never understand why am I here. I would have never come to terms with my existence. I would have never cherish myself and the people around me more than I ever did.
When Guang An started the sharing of conversion stories within the CG, I thought, "Have my fervor to share my story with others died down compared to when I first became a christian? Have I became mellowed? Have I became uninterested!?"
I recalled my life as one who had his path laid before him. Primary education, secondary and polytechnic education, national service. I never had to decide what should I choose or make the critical decisions that would change my life. I took things as they come. I still remember quite a number of my friends saw me as a 'happy-go-lucky' kind of guy. I was never in need. I was never disasstisfied. I saw life as simple as it was: to live and let live.
I was well protected from the many harms and temptations that came along the way: drugs, gangsterism, disease, handicap. Yet I was not immune to what is common to the average man: lust, anger, greed, envy, sloth, gluttony and pride. Everyday I face different issues that seem minor to some and huge to others. Yet I somehow survived it eventually.
I could not have made sense of the life I lived after NS back then. Cooping myself in my room, shutting myself away from society, asking the questions I could never find a satisfactory answer afterwards. No work, no income, no confidence, no face, no life, no hope. For 2 years I spent my life wondering in a mess. 2 years have been spent in barren times. I hate that: no meaning, no balance, no sense.
I wonder if it is normal for a typical man to really shut his emotions and assume he needs to tackle EVERY problem on his own? Is it really that embarassing to share his thoughts or emotions to people he trust? Is it really that difficult to open up? I thought so for a time. It wasn't 'man' to do that. Yet man is only man, only human and human is not invincible. Humans do fall. Humans do make mistakes. Humans are mortal.
The pain that was in me, the humiliation that walked side by side with me, the anguish that clinged to me like UHU glue; confusion has led my life at that time and I felt helpless. I wanted so much to scream, to cry, or to the extreme; destroy what I knew as 'humanity' and everything with it. I hated humans, I hated everything they do, but most of all I hated myself.
Rewind back to 2 years before, I made a decision to get out of that shell and face reality. I have no idea how to work things out. I was lagging behind everybody in terms of life progression. I was scared. I knew my friends were concerned about me and they were nice enough not to probe any deeper than I could give because I do not know how to answer them.
I remembered the day when I went to meet a close friend (brother) and before I accepted Christ into my heart. I was hurting, I was lost, I felt like a Windows XP operating system stucked in a 200 MB hard disk drive, waiting to explode. I knew I was an emotional person. As much as I tried to hold back my tears, I could not. For 14 years I did not cry. For 14 years I thought I was a 'man'. For 14 years I was protected like some spoilt kid, unwilling to face the truth that is before him. I felt like letting everything go.
I wanted so much to relinquish my responsibilities as a man, a friend and a son but I could not. I wanted so much to deny myself and go into oblivion but yet I could not. I cannot escape from my responsibilities. I cannot run from what I was meant to do. I cannot hide from the fact that I am alive.
When God forgave me of my sins through Jesus as I repented, I felt lighter. I felt a heavy burden just taken off my shoulders. I did not feel a 180ยบ change but I felt things will turn out better because I believed. Besides I have no one else to turn to at that time anyway... XP
I thought life as a christian would be like a bed of roses, but I left out the part where roses have thorns. It was a struggle as I found many things hard to swallow. There are many issues I could not make sense of or come to terms with. Why must I be righteous all the time? Why do I have to be so caring and serving? Why can't I put down all these? Its very tiring!
I did my part to help and encourage as well, but more than half is out of my own strength and character than through the grace of God. When I saw the brothers and sisters do their part to help and encourage the people around them, it made me wonder where do they find that strength and perseverence? What made them kept going on despite getting nothing in return? Why do they even try so hard when eternal life is awaiting them? I can tell some are doing it to the point of breaking down. Some even did it without knowing why. However they have one thing in common: the belief that God would deliver them and bless them.
The little things that happened to me and around me were very obvious for me to reflect upon. Little by little I realised who I am. Slowly I came to terms with many things I could not agree upon. Surely I am starting to make sense of everything that has happened and how everything fitted in like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. Such a level of awareness was given to me by God after I prayed for it. Woo hoo!
Even as of now, I still struggle with many things. I do not know how can I face it in the meantime but everytime I see Jesus on the cross, I felt the pain. Mainly because that act of crucifixion touched me deeply, personally. He died for people and they (I) do not deserve it. That serves as a somber reminder of my sins that have already been washed away and how his sacrifice can overcome all things that I find it hard to deal with.
Tired... need to sleep...
It has been 2+ years since I became a christian. All the while I thought God had things settled for me. Apparantly He had other ideas. Nice~~~ I wonder... What would have happened IF I have never accepted Jesus into my life? Most likely I would still be stuck in the pile of mud or in a pit as I was 4 years back. I would have never understand why am I here. I would have never come to terms with my existence. I would have never cherish myself and the people around me more than I ever did.
When Guang An started the sharing of conversion stories within the CG, I thought, "Have my fervor to share my story with others died down compared to when I first became a christian? Have I became mellowed? Have I became uninterested!?"
I recalled my life as one who had his path laid before him. Primary education, secondary and polytechnic education, national service. I never had to decide what should I choose or make the critical decisions that would change my life. I took things as they come. I still remember quite a number of my friends saw me as a 'happy-go-lucky' kind of guy. I was never in need. I was never disasstisfied. I saw life as simple as it was: to live and let live.
I was well protected from the many harms and temptations that came along the way: drugs, gangsterism, disease, handicap. Yet I was not immune to what is common to the average man: lust, anger, greed, envy, sloth, gluttony and pride. Everyday I face different issues that seem minor to some and huge to others. Yet I somehow survived it eventually.
I could not have made sense of the life I lived after NS back then. Cooping myself in my room, shutting myself away from society, asking the questions I could never find a satisfactory answer afterwards. No work, no income, no confidence, no face, no life, no hope. For 2 years I spent my life wondering in a mess. 2 years have been spent in barren times. I hate that: no meaning, no balance, no sense.
I wonder if it is normal for a typical man to really shut his emotions and assume he needs to tackle EVERY problem on his own? Is it really that embarassing to share his thoughts or emotions to people he trust? Is it really that difficult to open up? I thought so for a time. It wasn't 'man' to do that. Yet man is only man, only human and human is not invincible. Humans do fall. Humans do make mistakes. Humans are mortal.
The pain that was in me, the humiliation that walked side by side with me, the anguish that clinged to me like UHU glue; confusion has led my life at that time and I felt helpless. I wanted so much to scream, to cry, or to the extreme; destroy what I knew as 'humanity' and everything with it. I hated humans, I hated everything they do, but most of all I hated myself.
Rewind back to 2 years before, I made a decision to get out of that shell and face reality. I have no idea how to work things out. I was lagging behind everybody in terms of life progression. I was scared. I knew my friends were concerned about me and they were nice enough not to probe any deeper than I could give because I do not know how to answer them.
I remembered the day when I went to meet a close friend (brother) and before I accepted Christ into my heart. I was hurting, I was lost, I felt like a Windows XP operating system stucked in a 200 MB hard disk drive, waiting to explode. I knew I was an emotional person. As much as I tried to hold back my tears, I could not. For 14 years I did not cry. For 14 years I thought I was a 'man'. For 14 years I was protected like some spoilt kid, unwilling to face the truth that is before him. I felt like letting everything go.
I wanted so much to relinquish my responsibilities as a man, a friend and a son but I could not. I wanted so much to deny myself and go into oblivion but yet I could not. I cannot escape from my responsibilities. I cannot run from what I was meant to do. I cannot hide from the fact that I am alive.
When God forgave me of my sins through Jesus as I repented, I felt lighter. I felt a heavy burden just taken off my shoulders. I did not feel a 180ยบ change but I felt things will turn out better because I believed. Besides I have no one else to turn to at that time anyway... XP
I thought life as a christian would be like a bed of roses, but I left out the part where roses have thorns. It was a struggle as I found many things hard to swallow. There are many issues I could not make sense of or come to terms with. Why must I be righteous all the time? Why do I have to be so caring and serving? Why can't I put down all these? Its very tiring!
I did my part to help and encourage as well, but more than half is out of my own strength and character than through the grace of God. When I saw the brothers and sisters do their part to help and encourage the people around them, it made me wonder where do they find that strength and perseverence? What made them kept going on despite getting nothing in return? Why do they even try so hard when eternal life is awaiting them? I can tell some are doing it to the point of breaking down. Some even did it without knowing why. However they have one thing in common: the belief that God would deliver them and bless them.
The little things that happened to me and around me were very obvious for me to reflect upon. Little by little I realised who I am. Slowly I came to terms with many things I could not agree upon. Surely I am starting to make sense of everything that has happened and how everything fitted in like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. Such a level of awareness was given to me by God after I prayed for it. Woo hoo!
Even as of now, I still struggle with many things. I do not know how can I face it in the meantime but everytime I see Jesus on the cross, I felt the pain. Mainly because that act of crucifixion touched me deeply, personally. He died for people and they (I) do not deserve it. That serves as a somber reminder of my sins that have already been washed away and how his sacrifice can overcome all things that I find it hard to deal with.
Tired... need to sleep...
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Bitterness & Forgiveness
How can I deal with bitterness and residues of bitterness...
Frankly speaking, after all these years I still do not understand how to 'deal' with bitterness besides the obvious answer (through God, that is). I only know that my handling of bitterness is at best 'throwing the trash into the rubbish bin'.
I took a long time to figure out WHY am I holding on to the bitterness I have for those whom I 'hated' or held grudge against. Everytime I am bitter towards somebody, I seem to have different answers but they came from the same root issue - genuine love for them.
If you have no genuine love/feelings for this person, how can you hate them? You do not hate for no reason unless you have nothing to do...
I have had bitterness towards many people in my life: my grandma, my mum, some other friends and even Kin Wee at one point but they are just varying degrees of bitterness and some are very minor compared to the two I mentioned in the previous thread. However non can compare to the bitterness I have for myself.
Many times I keep asking myself, "What the **** am I doing here on this planet?"
I do not score good grades, I cannot play sports very well too, I even felt my playing of video games are only of average standard. Better still, I was never good in time management. I put an unreasonable and unrealistic standard on myself and I always compare with others.
'Why can he score 281 for PSLE!?', 'How did he grow to 1.85m tall?', 'Why can she get $200 for monthly allowance?', 'How come his muscles get bigger and bigger!?', 'Why is he that lucky with girls?', 'How insignificant am I in this population of 6 billion!!!', etc, etc...
I can list all the ikan bilis of comparisons & crap but they are just a result of many factors in me: low self-esteem, small heartedness, inexperienced, pride, expectations, etc, etc...
This is the major reason why I spent 2 barren years wondering what is going on. That is until God found me. He forgave me through Jesus Christ and no matter what, I am glad he did. Now I am learning to forgive myself.
Frankly speaking, after all these years I still do not understand how to 'deal' with bitterness besides the obvious answer (through God, that is). I only know that my handling of bitterness is at best 'throwing the trash into the rubbish bin'.
I took a long time to figure out WHY am I holding on to the bitterness I have for those whom I 'hated' or held grudge against. Everytime I am bitter towards somebody, I seem to have different answers but they came from the same root issue - genuine love for them.
If you have no genuine love/feelings for this person, how can you hate them? You do not hate for no reason unless you have nothing to do...
I have had bitterness towards many people in my life: my grandma, my mum, some other friends and even Kin Wee at one point but they are just varying degrees of bitterness and some are very minor compared to the two I mentioned in the previous thread. However non can compare to the bitterness I have for myself.
Many times I keep asking myself, "What the **** am I doing here on this planet?"
I do not score good grades, I cannot play sports very well too, I even felt my playing of video games are only of average standard. Better still, I was never good in time management. I put an unreasonable and unrealistic standard on myself and I always compare with others.
'Why can he score 281 for PSLE!?', 'How did he grow to 1.85m tall?', 'Why can she get $200 for monthly allowance?', 'How come his muscles get bigger and bigger!?', 'Why is he that lucky with girls?', 'How insignificant am I in this population of 6 billion!!!', etc, etc...
I can list all the ikan bilis of comparisons & crap but they are just a result of many factors in me: low self-esteem, small heartedness, inexperienced, pride, expectations, etc, etc...
This is the major reason why I spent 2 barren years wondering what is going on. That is until God found me. He forgave me through Jesus Christ and no matter what, I am glad he did. Now I am learning to forgive myself.
Personality...?
| You Are An INFP |
 You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world. Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships. It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close. But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop. In love, you tend to have high (and often unrealistic) standards. You are very sensitive. You tend to have intense feelings. At work, you need to do something that expresses your personal values. You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist. How you see yourself: Unselfish, empathetic, and spiritual When other people don't get you, they see you as: Unrealistic, naive, and weak |
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